This Little Girl Dreams

After Six Years...

2011-01-15T19:27:00.000-08:00

I finally realized that while I loved the person I was with, I was no longer in love with them. I realized that the wrong person, isn't always a bad person but they just are not the person you are meant to be with. It took me a while and I gave it many fighting chances. But at the end of the day, I have never felt more sure of any decision I have ever made in my life.

Tomorrow I move into my new place.

And Then I Went To Counseling...

2010-12-14T04:07:00.000-08:00

I have been absent for quite sometime. I realize my last post was rather ambiguous and rather on the downside.

But at the time, that was how I was feeling. Submerged in a sea of despair and feelings of failure.

I finally hiked up my big girl pants and days after my last post (September 2nd) I marched myself into the counseling services department at school. It was something I had been dreading. But, I realized an emotional detox with a perfect stranger is just what I needed. If things didn't pan out as I thought they would its okay because there would be no strings attached. Kinda like a one night stand? Right? Except better!

But anyways, it was intense. What I wanted was to walk in and say here, these are my problems...now fix them! Feel free to throw your pellets of wisdom and advice my way Mr. Family and Marriage Counselor Man (with a shiny bald head).I'll catch all those suckers. But of course, thats not the way it works.

Instead it works more like the onion effect. You know that whole peel one layer off ooooone at a time?And realize your solutions via methods of self discovery and probing? Needless to say, very few answers were provided. Instead there was a lot of crying, about twenty tissues less, and me trying to sum up my life story in a 50 minute session. I left that place looking as if I had been cutting onions all day and them putting then on my eyes as moisturizers.

That day, I can't say I felt much better. I felt as if I had plunged myself deeper into those feelings. But, the days that followed gave me strength and optimism. It was truly refreshing to speak to someone who had a neutral perspective. To talk to someone who does not have preconcieved ideas or thoughts about who you are or judge where you've been.

This is a touchy subject for my to talk about because this blog is my outlet. And the last thing I want it to sound like is some mopey, depressing, poooooor me blog. Because hello!? Why is Eeyore no one's favorite character? (Like seriously, would you want to invite him to a party?)

And for a while there I felt like I every time I came to this little digital window that works as a vehicle to provide the outside world with my inner most awesome thoughts...I didn't feel like I had any positive shit to say. And its not that I want to get all Richard Simmons on your guys asses and be like super upbeat and ADHD. Its just that I want my blog to reflect who I am as a person in real life as well.

In person I am someone who rarely touches on topics that are depressing or that drag themselves out. I am actually a pretty rad person (if I do say so myself). Sure I could curse a lot less and maybe not be as cynical. But at the end of the day, I am a pretty damn good person that is the friend many call, the friend many love to have because of all the funny and crazy shit she says, and the friend that 'has it together.'

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I missed this damn place. Both the blog and this attitude. And it feels good to be back!

(In other news, I am getting a profesh camera in Jan, a Nikon D3100 DSLR, so in lieu of that I am in the developing stages of making a new blog, one that is more universal and friends and family members can see! & of course you guys too!)

But I feel this is a blog I do not ever want to erase because so much of my personal thoughts have been poured into here to the eyes of complete strangers! And just like Mr. Shiny Bald Head you guys have listened and not judged.

Thank you. It means the world to me.

Finding Me

2010-09-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

Today I'd been wanting to do something I'd never done since moving up to California. I wanted to get in my car, and just drive. Just drive to a destination of peace. I drove over the San Mateo Bridge and to Half Moon Bay.

I walked down this path.

Sat in this bench.

And looked at this.

I contemplated and analyzed my current point in life.

I don't know whats been wrong with my lately. In the mornings I don't want to get up. I can't think of one thing that makes me want to jump up and seize the day. My senses lack invigoration. I feel subdued, mundane, and bored. Numb. I've never felt this way before for this long.

And all I could do was really pray. Pray for answers. Pray to be at peace with pending decisions. I prayed for the burden of sadness to go away. I prayed for the pain to go away. I prayed for clarity.

I took an online emotional wellness test administered by the school. The results? Depression.

I am scared.

Quarter Life Crisis

2010-07-22T01:16:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened in the past month. Too much for my little brain to be able to eloquently put into words.

I got to see my Dad during my break. That was wonderful but at the same time I am wondering why he didn't really want to come stay with me at my place and instead stayed with his sister the whole time. That kind of sucked.

I saw my grand father die on the fourth of July.

We are taking care of a Chihuahua our neighbors found. I feel I am getting a taste of mother hood here. Just a taste.

I found a kitten with a busted leg. Took it to a rescue place.

Its the 5th week of school and I am so behind because all of this happened sequentially.

But I don't want to talk about any of that stuff.Not at this moment anyways.

See, I am less than two weeks shy of turning 24. 24. YES...24. It feels so strange. I told my mother today that I feel as if I am going through a quarter life crisis. She told me she felt the same way at about 20-21 years of age but largely due to the fact that she had me at 17.

I can't really explain the feeling. Its not a thought that keeps recurring over and over in my head. Its just a feeling of unaccomplishment and unfulfilledness. Like a hollowness. As if their is a void. As life gets more and more different every year. Less fun. You see your friends less. Now I see my family less. I feel a bit of detachment. Some where I am stuck in the middle on my way to adulthood but not too fargone from childhood.

I know I am not alone in this boat. As I've chuckled a few times as I've seen other fellow Facebook friends from high school post about feelings running in the same vein.

I had put my laptop away when I recieved a text from my dear friend Ana. Mind you, it was 12:45am.

Ana: "Hi Friend...U Sleeping?"
Me: "No lol still a night owl"
Ana: "Me too. I couldn't sleep so I'm driving around.:) I just drove past ur old houseand both of our old schools...time goes by too f-ing fast! : ( I am freaking out. I'm having a breakdown too! I feel like I'm not doing enough for all the time that's passing!"

I can see she too has the same feeling of unfulfilledness and unaccomplishment. I wonder if its a biological timer that goes off in our brain. Ding, ding, ding! Time to feel sorry for yourself! You are getting "old"

When in all reality we are not old and that is not the main complaint here at all. But this feeling is hard to kick and I've been giving myself mini pep talks that sometimes help and other times don't.

Growing up is hard to do!
.

I have a wrinkle

2010-06-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

The years of my twenties are rather strange. As things in life that have never occurred before are suddenly happening unexpectedly and uninvitedly. For instance, while it feels it was just yesterday I was being asked what college I was going to go to, or what my young 18-year-old self wanted to be I find myself now being asked more adult like questions. As a soon to be 24-year-old people now inquire as to when I will have children, when I will get married... this is all so baffling to me as I feel no where near ready to title myself as a mother or a wife.

Today as my narcissistic self has done for many years I was indulging in art of outstretching my arm and taking a picture of me and the person next to me while the family and I paraded about San Francisco. Except today as I reviewed the photos and saw this...

I have some wrinklies under my right eye. Where, how, and when did these wrinkies get here I asked my puzzled self? Is it the soap I am using?!? The Bare Minerals??!? Am I aging prematurely for my age? Did I do my make up weird today?

No self, its just time. With time comes aging duh.

But it all feels so soon! These wrinklies weren't there two years ago and is it quite possible wrinkles just sprout to noticible maturity overnight!?!

It does not help that I have the most baby faced boyfriend ever. Ben has a face that is shaped in favor of looking younger, his skin is plump with collagen, and he is practically hairless. People always guess he is waaaaay younger than what he is. Today as my family probed him for his age one unrelated, friend of a family member said Ben looked younger than me! I am 24 and Ben is 29. Slap to the face. Upon just discovering my wrinklies on my camera hours earlier this comment was even more bruising to the ego.

My mind and heart still feels young. Which is why I find the wear and tear to be so unsettling.

Really, I am going to get myself some wonderful eyecream. Pronto.

Because I like to make excuses for myself

2010-06-07T02:00:00.000-07:00

I like how in my pre-laptop days I was convinced I would most definitely blog more if I ever had a wonderous laptop. Now here I am, about 2 months with a laptop and the post consistency has faired the same.

I've been doing that a lot lately. Thinking I have valid reasons not to do something. For instance, I was convinced I could not study at home because Ben can be so damn chatty and distracting. But now that he has a weekend job and I have the time span from 11-6 all to me and me only, I still can't study. I had to take my incompetent ass to the library.

I have a love hate relationship with this blog I must admit. Sometimes I feel like writing and other times I think I rather peel potatoes.

I have been figuring out a lot of things lately. And I've come to a conclusion. Your twenties are bittersweet. No, seriously.

Sure they are most likely the best looking years of your life if you are into collagen and elasticity (um, yes please!) but, they are also a time of self discovery. And the self discovery thought process goes a little like this..

Am I really happy? Or am I just unhappy because I am too young and dumb to know any better? Am I really mad? Am I overexaggerating? Am I supposed to feel this way? Am I normal? Am I going about this the right way?

And you know some of the pestering questions have been answered but some still remain to unravel as I progressively age.

For instance in my teens I thought one day I would seek a profession where I could help others because gosh, I love helping others. Let me teach, let me guide, let me service!

But then with time I realized that I don't really like helping people a whole lot UNLESS I deem them sufficiently worthy. And lets just say my standards are high. No, no, no...don't judge. This is surely logical.

See for instance I don't help the dingbat from one of my classes who hasn't attended one class because he is just soooo cool by giving him copies of all of my notes. Nope, sorry. Not worthy.

But I do help the elderly and open doors for them and the such.

So there. My logic has been proven.

I guess my point is that the twenties are just all about trial and error. Until you finally get the pattern and realize someday that you are fully aware of exactly how you want to live your life.

If I am lucky that will happen around the time I am forty.

ha ha he he ha ha ho.

2010-05-17T01:52:00.000-07:00

I have a pet peeve. Well I have many actually. But this one in particular, well I deduct that many people might be annoyed by it too? Possibly? Lets commence.

FALSE RETIREMENT

Think Jay-Z here. But more closely related think bloggers. Since I've entered the blogosphere I've ran across a few well established blogs run by bloggers who have been doing their thang thang for years. And they sooooo sadly announce. I am retiring! I no longer have the passion to write...Good bye...farewell...Yada yada yada.

Cue the outpouring of sentimental comments from faithful readers and even long time lurkers hit the comment button for the first time just to bid them a thank you and farewell.

And then you know what happens?

The blogger comes back less than a month later, blogging as if nothing has happened.

Does that annoy you too? It really irks the shit fire out of me. I don't know why.

Maybe its the fact that its narcissistic and phony. Preplanned and predictable. I've always disliked people who felt the need to make a dramatic exit.

I mean even Jay-Z gets on my nerves for goodness sake its ridiculous. I remember a few years back they gave him an award, a bunch of big shots came out and said how great he was, they played a montage video of his successes...

And you know how this story turns out if you listen to the radio at all.

I don't like the man anymore because of that reason!

Faking your retirement is almost as bad as faking your death. Really its just pathetic.

Can you tell I am on my period?

Random Musings

2010-05-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

I don't even know what the word musings means to be honest. But I know people use it in that context so I am just mimicking per say.

I also have an announcement I am very proud of! I got my first 'F' on a test in my college academic career. This is true. The last time I got an 'F' I was still riding the yellow bus to school. Let us not discuss Freshman year of high school, or lack there of for that matter. Really this big fat 56% should go on the fridge. Its what dreams are made of!

No really, I am not proud of the grade per say but I am happy about one thing. This exam score in upper level economics is just the bitch slap in the face I needed. The one that said, "Just who the FUCK do you think you are?" Because really, who do I think I am?Flippin Einstein? Effen Socrates? Freakin Bill Gates? This procrastinating business is a thrill, a cheap thrill that usually made me feel like hmm maybe I am smarter than the average folk. Because studyingh 2-3 days or in most cases 1-2 days before an exam was letting me cruise through relatively unscathed. Till now that is.

So your truly has been very unceremoniously brought down to earth. Now I feel like a stupid little earthling. Sad right?

Moving on

I am really happy I got my laptop. Except for the first week I had it I would come home and the boyfriend was on it. Despite there being a perfectly fine desktop and mind you, he has his very own laptop. So after a week of this I decided that we were no longer going to share joint custody of my laptop because, um... its mine! So he was gently surprised when one day when I wasn't home he wanted to have some alone time with it and upon flipping it open the wonderful white space prompted him for a password for him to login. And that was that! I don't feel one bit of guilt for it either.

And thats all for now. Good night.

When the fear consumes you.

2010-04-30T01:28:00.000-07:00

I've been saying it for months already. In a huff, out of irritation, out of nowhere. I NEED A NEW DAMN JOB. I'll write a resume later I told myself. I would make excuses. Oh I can't apply anywhere right now my schedule is too weird. Oh I'll write my resume after this set of midterms, oh i'll write them after these darn finals, oh I'll write it as soon as I get back from vacation...Catching my drift?

So finally tonight, the voice in my head said, "Hey you could write your resume right now?" and then I thought "Hmmm I am behind on two Gossip Girl episodes."

Wow. Yes really.

But today I FINALLY wrote my resume. Its not the best thing ever but hey, its something. (If anyone reading this post is a bad ass resume reviewer, email me asap!)

I wrote up my resume and sent it out to a marketing internship position that opened up in San Francisco. Gosh I am all nerves. What if they actually call me back??? What if they want an interview?!?

The thought of drastic change is scary but it has to be done.

I have been at my job for 2.5 years now. I've mastered it. Its boring to me. While I love the interaction with the patients the job doesn't relate strongly to my major. Not to mention its killing my back and shoulders with all of the lifting, crouching, and bending I have to do. Oh and I have tired of the uniform! I feel that in this day and age, in this economy that is slowly rising back to its feet, you have to be ahead of the curve. If I develop some real life skills that are applicable to my career field I feel I will have an advantage.

I am ready for a change. I have problems with my confidence. Problems with believing in my self, and problems with valuing my set of skills at a job.

But I am excited. I think an internship in San Francisco would be a blast! BARTing it to the city and getting the big city experience.

Its funny because I feel Herman's death, while tragic, was the kick in the ass that I needed. It made me feel like really, we don't know what the fuck is going to happen and why wait until tomorrow, or in my case months, to do what you can do today?

Wish me luck folks!

(Me and my Lovey Bear this past Sunday.)

The Aftermath of an Unexpected Death

2010-04-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

The aftermath of an unforeseen death is strange. The events that follow are torture on the soul as the brain struggles to absorb the sudden news. Your brain is stuck in the old routine but the heart knows whats happened.

Today when I woke up my heart still felt like it was in my stomach. "He's dead" I kept telling myself. And this time it penetrated me deeper. It hurt so bad. The bond I felt with Herman was a strong one. I know some people think its strange to love an animal so much.

I got up early to review for a midterm I had today. As I walked up to the parking lot to my car my eyes darted towards Herman's usual spots. The ledge infront of the cars where he would be perched. But upon seeing me he would jump down and dash towards me. My heart ached in a wrath of sadness because I knew he wasn't going to pop out of any of his usual spots.

I got to school and sat in my car. I can't remember what songs were on the radio or the names of them but they had a sad tune to them. I turned the radio up loud and looked out the side window of my car. The day was gloomy like it has been on and off lately. The sky was white with shades of gray but not a cloud in sight. The trees swayed in the medium speed wind. And then the tears started flowing and once they started I couldn't stop. The music made me feel his loss stronger and there I just felt the grasp of the unfairness of the world.

Herman and his mannerisms were hilarious. He always put a smile on my face. The events leading up to his death were a perfect storm. A perfect scenario of random occurences that were dismissed with quick answers. Like when I saw him last wednesday and thursday and he wouldn't come up to me like he normally did because he was basking in the sun. I figured it was because he was just happy the sun had finally come out to shine on him so I let him be. Or on thursday night when I picked him up and instead of feeling like his normal, tight muscled self he felt a little softer but not completely limp. Why didn't I feel a sense of urgency? Why was it just a sense of strong worry and concern but not urgency? And when he stayed in all night Thursday, and all day Friday why couldn't I have known that this long sleep in was because he was dying? That it wasn't one of those times that he randomly just decided to be lazy all day but that he was sick. I keep on wondering if the events leading up to his untimely death could have prevented it had they been acted upon quickly. But the truth is, despite having the staples in our routine there are parts of Herman that were quite random at times so his behavior was never completely consistent. But still, I can't help but wonder how he died. Was it of natural causes? Was it antifreeze poison like the veterinarian suspected? Did someone poison him? Please God, I want to know. But at the same time I don't.

Benny told me he cried in the morning too. Ben and Herman had their morning routine. Benny would be cooking his usual eggs and toast for breakfast and Herman would get up to meet him in the kitchen. There Herman would eat a bit and then sit by the door waiting to go out on his usual daily adventures. Benny would always say, "You ready to go outside Herm Boy?" And Herman would just perk up an stand up.

After my midterm en route to Target the tears came out again. I just laughed with hot tears and thought to myself "Gosh over a darn cat!" I was trying to lessen the feelings but I couldn't. I pulled into the parking lot at home and felt frusterated that my brain kept playing tricks on me. That I kept on waiting to see him in his usual spots or have him surprise me when he darted out of seemingly no where. And when I was sitting at Ben's desk I heard some rustling outside and immediately thought Herman was outside waiting to be let in. Oh the brain and its memory. Its torture. I just can't believe he's gone.

A week ago he was fine. I hate that life can be so shitty sometimes. I want to just rewind time so I could redo everything differently.

This should be my last post about Herman for a while. I felt like I got what I need to off my chest.

Thanks for reading this though. Even if it does resemble yesterdays post.

I love you Herman. I hope that if there is a heaven you are there eating grass and flowers. And that there are comfy cat beds for you to sleep in and that best of all, its Moomie free!

We miss you here on earth.

Love always,

Ben and Ferni

One of The Worst Days Ever

2010-04-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today started off weird. And my gut feeling told me that it was only going to get weirder. As I was getting ready for school in the morning Benny's mom (who is visiting us right now) came into the house in a huff. Sweaty, out of breath, and short on patience.

"The car broke down, its dead, it won't start."

Me: "huhhhh??"

(See Benny's mom dropped him off at school so she could drive her beloved Buck The Truck.)

Me: Why are you sweaty?

"I walked up the damn hill! Have you ever walked up that hill? It took me forever"

Me: "Wheres the car?"

"At the thrift store"

Me: "Well did you unlock the alarm first before trying to start the car?"

(See, Ben's mom owned the car for seven years before giving it to her soooo I kinda figured she would remember that you have to unlock the alarm before starting the car."

"No."

Problem solved! I was irritated and amused. The feeling of irritation wanted to take over because I had to drive her back down and I was already running on a tight schedule. But I left the feelings of amusement win because it was just too damn hilarious that she had to climb up a hill for no reason at all really.

I went to school and during a break ran back home just to pick up an item I had to return. It was 2:45 and I asked Ben's mom, When do you have to pick up Benny? "2:45" she says. " Oh I gotta go!" So I leave and she leaves and the stove is left on. Intuition tells me to turn off the stove because there is a chance she might not come back in time. But I told myself to fight off my doubts because how rude of me to have such little faith in her that I just assume she will get lost and take forever to get back home.

Well, I should have listened to my intuition.

As soon as I pull into the parking lot at work I get a call from Benny telling me he is still at school, unpicked up by his mother who is now an hour late. Shit. Shit. Shit. Is all I can think. The stove is on.

So I call my neighbor and try to devise a plan for him to break into my house so he could turn off the stove. He is always so helpful and I always can call on him in a pinch. But then he says....

" I have some really, really, really, bad news for you."

In my head I thought: (They lost the baby, they lost the baby, they lost the baby.)

See, my neighbor has been trying to get pregnant for forever. With polycystic ovarian syndrome, an irregular period, and a blocked tube, her getting pregnant was really a miracle of sorts.

I braced myself to say "Oh my gosh I am so sorry."

"Rocky died this morning."

I felt my heart fall to my feet and I wanted to burst into a flurry of tears but I couldn't. I wanted to know my house wasn't going to burn down. I wanted to just start the car and turn back home. But I couldn't. And it was one of the most frusterating feelings ever.

Rocky is Herman. The cat that basically has lived in our home for a year. He was only five-years-old. The past few days he had been acting out of character. Slow and lethargic and sleeping heavily. My intuition told me something was terribly wrong but I looked to Ben for any affirmation that my concerns were just being exaggerated. He told me he probably just was sick of had allergies and that he would be better soon. It wasn't out of the norm for Herman to sometimes get into cat fights and be tired so I thought maybe I was being a worry wart.

He stayed in our house and slept all day thursday night and all day friday. Saturday morning Ben let him out and his owners despite noticing he had been acting strange since Wednesday did not take him to the vet until this morning. There, his temperature was 97. something when I guess a cats temperature is supposed to be 106. something. And there as they were plugging him into iv's to rehydrate him he took his last little breath.

My heart sank all over again as I pulled into the parking lot. No Herman to excitedly run and greet my as soon as he heard the roar of my car. No more rubbing up against my legs as we walk down the steps together. No more hilarious sleep positions to laugh at.

Lately, I'd been prematurely missing Herman so much. I thought of what it would be like the day me and Ben are done with school and have to move out of these apartments. How could I just look at his little face and know that it would be the last time I ever saw him. How could I just drive off and let him sit on the front porch of an empty apartment waiting to be let in and loved. I wished that his owners would take him away and that I would never have to say good bye. But never would I have thought that the last time I would see him would be yesterday. When I was on route to the store before getting into my car I petted him on his bottom and he tippied his toes and pointed his tail skywards.

Life is full of surprises and unfortunately it isn't always good ones.

& to conclude...

Benny's mom did end up getting lost but she went back home to turn off the stove and then figured out how to get to Ben's school.

& the neighbors did lose their baby.

(Herman on April 17th, 2010)

(Me and Herman at 1:30 in the morning on Saturday. I had no idea I was holding a cat that was dying)

I am EXCITED!

2010-04-23T00:57:00.000-07:00

I officially have a laptop! I got it today and I am so excited. A bit tired from studying but excited none the less. I look forward to multi-tasking with out my screen freezing. Yay! Anywho. Got two tests coming up and Ben's mom is coming into town on Saturday so I am going to be one busy bee. I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend : )

Why, Hello.

2010-04-19T23:45:00.000-07:00

Me and the Freef

Spring is here. I know it because when I went for a walk everything was looking like this:

(forgive the poor quality, cell phone pic)

I went for a walk on Sunday. A walk I soon regretted as it was the first day of my lady flow and going for a long walk had to be about the dumbest idea ever. I walked slow and painfully. Too many blocks away f rom my Midol and enduring the bitchiest menstrual cramps. I empathized with old people who are in so much pain they can't bear to move swiftly. Damn. That is my far future. I couldn't bear to walk any further so instead I turned around and went to the thrifty. Oh that only made matters worse. The thrifty was hot and humid and full of hustle and bustle. I began whispering a prayer to the big man upstairs, "Big J, please don't let me faint here in the thrifty." And he answered! But he did test me. Because in the stale, muggy, air near the blazers and vests as I was trying to maintain my composure someone decided to rip the smelliest poof ever. How wonderful of them to share their own signature scent with me.

I was sweating and I could hear my heart beating in my head. Oh but the joys of shopping seemed to create some sort of equillibrium to stabilize me. I left with a few goodies and walked down to my street. But see my street leads up a high, steep hill. I contemplated calling Ben to my rescue because how sad would it be to faint down a hill? Very sad. But alas, the little voice inside my head said "You can do this!" And the hill that under normal bodily circumstances only takes me six minutes to breeze through took me a snail paced twenty minutes! But the point is, I did it!

Then I came home and took my drugs. And once they kicked in I made some Mongolian Beef. And it was deeeeeelicious.

How was your weekend?

Defeat.

2010-04-16T02:16:00.000-07:00

Today I had a moment with the part of my brain that rationalizes impulsive decisions. It was a battle...

As of late I have been browsing through many photography and fashion blogs. Oh and they have left me inspired. It reminded me of how much I have longed to get to know more about photography and how to take stellar pictures.

As of now I have a Canon SD750. Its a digital point and shoot. Definitely not a professional camera.

So today I decided to go to the Best Buy to juuuuuust take a looksie at the cameras. Oh and the Best Buy employee had me sold on the Nikon D3000.

This little puppy right here...

I wanted him like I always want the puppies and kittens in the pet stores except times ten.

I held him and took pictures of random strangers at Best Buy. Oh and for 679.00 he came with two other lenses and a bag! Oh but thats waaaaaay too much money for little me. So I went and applied for a Best Buy credit card. I won't get approved and that would be the end of that I thought to myself. Oh but I got approved! For a measely $500 but still, its an approval of sorts.

I was so tempted to adopt little Nikon. (thats what I named it) But I thought I best go home and do me research to really make sure this is a steal. Sure enough it was! Nothing online is matching Best Buy's deal right now.

So I decided to wait for Benny to get home so we could go to Best Buy and I could show him little Nikon.

Well...

Lets just say bully Benny had a fit about me wanting little Nikon. He said it had to go down as one of the "dumbest ideas ever." (how rude!)

I was so sad. But this is true.

I need to get a computer first before anything else.

Oh but I will have me a little Nikon! Just you wait and see!

HMPH!

(maybe by my birthday? August 1st?hmm?)

Sigh.

2010-04-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

I am going to admit something that is difficult for me. It shouldn't be but yet it is.

I am going to go see a therapist.

I know that lots of people see therapists. But I always felt like therapists were designated towards people when shit really hit the fan in their lives. Just when they were about to enter the point of no return someone said "You need to see a therapist!"

But lately I have been feeling the emotional instability symptoms.

My bad habits due to lack of discipline and confidence sometimes seep their way into my life when all I want is for all to go well but yet I sabotage it.

One of these main factors being school. School just started about two weeks ago and I am taking 5 classes. And I've already missed 1 class in each of those courses for no apparent reason other than I just didn't want to get up. The sense of urgency that should be instilled within me just went "meh." But I have been getting the "meh's" a lot lately. Last quarter I showed up to my physio psychology class a grand total of I'd say 5 times out of say 20 something classes? I showed up the first day of school, for the test dates, and some other day just for good measure. And my attendance in my other classes wasn't very stellar either. I told myself that the reason I missed so many classes is because those were just electives irrelevant to my major. Why waste my time right?

Well old habits are hard to kill and I hate to feel like I lack control. I hate the instability I've been feeling. The sudden change of emotions. The coldness. The distance. The indifference. The feeling of sometimes being able to pay attention and other times thoughts are racing in my head a mile a minute and my heart rate quickens and I have no idea why.

I hate that when I wake up in the morning I can't find a reason to want to get out of bed. No motivation towards anything. I hate that I don't feel like talking to anyone really.

I hate that one minute while externally you may not be able to see it in my face inside I am crying and the next minute I am angry and the next...

I have never felt this way before but its been this way more often than seldom as of late.

I ask myself what could be the problem...

Are our apartments infected with mold?

Is it the inconsistent weather and lack of sunshine?

I want answers.

And I hope to find them.

A Week in Review

2010-04-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

This picture has nothing to do with the story but...whatever.

This past week flew by. It was eventful and I really did not find a moment where I could clear mindedly sit down and just type. Just gab. Just blah blah blah on here like I always do.

It was one of those weeks that something is happening everyday. Last Monday I posted! Yay.

Then Tuesday I had a class that ran till 9:30 pm so needless to say by the time I got home, ate, unwinded and all that jazz I was pooped. Poooooooped. I don't think I really like that word.

Then Wednesday I worked till late and I think I wanted to post but was waiting for the Benster to go to bed so I could weeelax and write away but then he didn't go to bed in time so then I got too sleepy to write.

And then on Thursday we found out Ben's 15-year-old Chow Chow's face had swollen up twice its size. The vet said its cancer of the lymph nodes. It was a very, very sad night.

Then Friday Ben decided to book a flight for the same day to go say good bye to his doggie dog because he loves her so much. So I took him to the airport and my heart ached for him. The sky was sad too. Gray and teary.

Then I went to work and then Fri, Sat, and Sun were spent at Crystal's house.

I got to spend time with her very hormonal teenage daughter. Parts of that were amusing and irritating all at the same time. I don't know what was more amusing her daughter's pitchy whining or my friend's ridiculous threats that she doesn't follow through with. I can't decide.

Oh and then her husband was in town (he's in the army). He's ......unique.

Saturday we were supposed to go to San Francisco to go shopping. Oh but not before we stop by Nikon's (the friend's hubs) "comic book thingy" or "comic book store" as Crystal kept saying. Oh no biggie me and her moody teenage daughter thought. Just stop by the ol' comic book shop then we get to do the fun stuff. We get to Frisco (only us locals can call it Frisco by the way) and it turns out we aren't going to a comic book store. We are going to Wondercon.

What is Wondercon you ask??? Well it is a once a year convention held in San Fran where comic book venders from far and wide come to sell their comics. Do you know how much these comics cost??? Its ridiculous. The air reeked of perspiration from nerdy overexcited geekacons. We were compressed, bumping shoulder to shoulder with people dressed up as comic book charactors and other weirdos. And pretty soon I turned into a hormonal teenager. Angry and whiney.

When I was out of Nikon's ear shot things went a little like this: "Ohhhhhh we're just going to stop by Nikon's comic book thingy" I mocked in a high pitched voice. I gave Crystal the glare. She had tricked us into coming because had me and her moody baby known what we were in for we would have stayed home and she would have had to come with her hubs all alone. If there is one thing I hate is being dupped. So for 2.5 hours me and her daughter made ugly faces at strangers and whispered mean nothings about all the nerds there.

And then. We didn't get to go shopping. It was tragic.

Then Saturday night we went to a bar. That was fun. But once again I realized why I should stick to beer instead of mixed drinks. I don't know how to gage mixed drinks. And mixed drinks turn me into an embarrassing mess. The details of saturday night need not be said okaaaay?

But its good to be back in the blogosphere. I missed you lovelies!

The Return of The Fern

2010-03-30T00:44:00.000-07:00

I've been a miniature hiatus for good reasons. See the week before this past week I was in the midst of a finals hurricane. My procrastination is ridiculous and I paid for it. Hard. But somehow I always pull it off. Not smoothly. But hey whatever right?

So last weekend I went to San Diego with my friend, her sister, and her daughter. Upon my arrival back home I decided it was damn time me and Ben go on a mini vacay. So the next day our hotel was booked in the ghetto of LA and we drove down this past thursday. Our hotel was so ghetto we decided to only stay in it the first night and the second night we stayed with my Uncle Lalo. See, he isn't really my uncle but we just call him that because its better than saying "He's my mom's gay friend." I mean how impersonal does that sound?

Lalo invited me and Ben to a gay club. A latino gay club. Do you understand what a gay club in LA means? OMG. It was like the mecca of gays united and we were teleported into the land of the Happy. It was wonderful! Thinly plucked eyebrows were abundantly present. Swiveling hips with no curves. But also there were men there I would have never ever penned for gay. Seriously!

And do you know what? The gays looooooved Benny! And Benny loves the gays! Except Benny isn't gay obvs. So it was all kinds of funny.

I'd never been to a gay club of this level. I mean it was insanity. We had a blast. And the gays play the best music everrrrr. Lady GaGa and Brit Brit were steadys in the DJ's playlist. Um hello! Heaven!

And me and the boy beached it a lot. Southern California beaches are a thing of magic. Warm, sunny, and deeeeelicious. Right when we first got to the beach me and Ben got into a bit of a tiff and for the first 30 mins he was in the car pouting and I was on the beach pouting. Then I realized this could go on forever so I sent him a text telling him to get his baby butt out here on the beach. And then he did. And then we did this...

The neighbors watched my retarded cat Free Free. They played with her and gave her lovin' while me and the boy were away.

Our neighbor likes to hang out in our home and watch our television despite the fact that he has his own. Isn't that hysterical? We can always tell because the settings on the TV are all messed up and the remote is never where we leave it. Whatever. We don't mind.

Our trip was wonderful. Although I was a little sad to find out Ben isn't as crazy about LA as I am. I loooooove LA. I mean its not healthy now bad I want to live there. I am mental. City lungs and traffic and superficiality. Oh but the beaaaaaaaach. I love the beach.

And I guess I love the people.

But most of all I love doing this...

Napping on the beach

miss miss miss!

2010-03-17T03:32:00.000-07:00

I have been writing posts in my head all day. Lovely posts I wish to write. Do you ever do that? Do you ever speak in blog inside your head? As if you are narrating the post and mentally prepping it?

I think its weird that I do that.

I am in the midst of finals week so unfortunately my lovely mind posts can't make it here because its 3:30am and I must put my little head down to sleep.

I will be back soooooooooooon.

San Francisco

2010-03-13T01:16:00.000-08:00

Thursday I went to the city. The city was calling me. It had been a while.

I decided to dress trendy so I wore this...

Headless.

Then I threw on a scarf and sweater because the city is birrrrr!

See all the girls in San Francisco dress trendy. I was taking mental notes left and right... thinking hmmm?? Never thought to put that together, but it looks good!

I called these girls, fashion girls.

Fashion girls aren't the nicest. But thats okay because I am not that nice either. : P Girls are funny creatures. So much more analytical of eachother than men are. When you see men in public places they always look like they have their heads up their ass. Daydreaming. Lost in outer space.

And girls. Oh girls. What are you going to do with them? Competitive, feisty little bitches. Especially in big cities. You'll be lucky if you get a smile out of a fashion girl. You get bumped sometimes and maybe an excuse me. I got bumped twice. Apparently some people taking shopping very seriously.

Oh but do you know what its like to shop in San Francisco? It is the most fucking epic thing ever (I had to throw the F word in there to startle you so you realize how serious I am about shopping in San Francisco). You take the BART there and it drops you off at Powell which leads straight into the Westfield Mall. The Westfield Mall is a thing of dreams. Gucci, Armani, and Bloomingdales dreams. Not much time was spent in there. Because my wallet isn't quite ready for those dreams.

The destination was Market street. An Old Navy, H & M, 3 story Forever 21, Marshalls, Ross, DSW shoe store, Urban Outfitters, Anthropologie, Gap, and the list goes on and on and ooooon. All with in 50 feet of eachother. Could you just die? Stocked to the brim! Big city style.

I went in my heels and tights and dress. And as soon as you get off that Bart let me tell you something honey, you don't walk. You strut. Work it girl.

I love going to the city. There I don't feel so weird. Because I am in a sea of weirdos, fashion girls, business types, hippies, etc. And the cities hustle and bustle makes you feel so small and insignificant that suddenly you realize your worries are really just so silly.

After a few wonderful hours of shopping my strut turned into a waddle. And then my waddle told me my feet were going to spark revenge upon me the next day. And sure enough they did. My baby feet hurt.

But it was worth it. So worth it. I shall show you what I put together in the future!

The most EPIC F21 ever. Look how tiny the people are. Its sad.

The glory that is Market Street.

(P.S the lady in the pink sweater on the lower right, NOT a fashion girl)

Now if you have never been to a big city I recommend San Francisco. It is a great place to start. And its really such a tiny city that you can get anywhere in a cinch.

You're welcome.

A bit of a dilema here.

2010-03-09T00:17:00.000-08:00

Today was different. Today on March 8th, 2010 I wasn't my usual self. Despite staying up till 5am last night finishing a power point presentation and a paper, I was in unusually high spirits. Luck of the draw landed me a slot on the first day of presentations. It's better to just get it over with right? I didn't do very good because I had just finished picking my topic and forming a presentation so it wasn't my best performance at public speaking, but I faired much better than I did in the 8th grade. When my voice trembled worse than someone's shitty base in a richety old car. Oh but it was because of the ever so dreamy Mr. Daniel Brown. The cutest Mormon boy ever. My thirteen-year-old self turned to putty when he was around. I totally bombed my presentation from the sheer nerves of him watching me. And then I wanted to crawl into a hole and die when I saw him giggle with no restraint.

Daniel Brown is the reason I don't judge the Twi-hards. Or Jonas Brothers fans. Or even ugggghhhh the Clay Aiken fans. The heart can't help when it palpitates uncontrollably!

And then there was senior year in high school. I didn't get much sleep and skipped breakfast on the day we had our presentations for our "What I want to do with my life" paper. I had the usual nerves but once I got up to present my nerves turned into excitement and apparently my body couldn't handle the sudden emotional shift. And the fact that I had nothing in my tummy to fuel my body to hold such levels of emotional capacity made for a very interesting day. Suddenly, there I was holding my big foam, science poster covered with Home and Garden pictures and was ready to talk about how I wanted to be an interior designer, when it happened. Suddenly, my classmates started to slowly disappear into a black haze and I blinked to see if my eyes would grant me back my vision. And then I felt extremely dizzy, weak, and disorientated. And then the voice in my head that detected emergencies said aloud, "HOLY SHIT! You are going to faint!" And in that moment I told the teacher "I feel sick, can I go to the nurse?" Right smack dab in the middle of my presentation. Another bomb. Needless to say I ended up presenting on a different day. (It was embarassing to halt my presentation but it was better than dropping dead from clamy nerves in front of my classmates SENIOR year.)

But anyways, back to today. I was feeling unusually chipper. I felt light on my feet, confident, accomplished, and I just felt like helping everyone. For once when I had to do my job the voice in my head didn't groan and say, "I don't want to do that" or "Ugh" or "I hate my job." I thought, "With pleasure!" and "I would love to help!"

Let me tell you it is rare for me to think this way because my job is physically demanding so I never want to do much of it! And since they got rid of the other therapist I've been on double duty.

Today folks was an example of what goes around comes around. Good karma as they say. One of the patients today was in particularly more pain than usual so she asked me if I could do some ultrasound on her (you may know US as what detects babies but its also used as physical therapy to heal muscle). I made sure to work extra hard on her sore spots and even ultra sounded her forearms which she said were in great pain. Not one moment of this bothered me. And you don't understand, I hate doing ultrasounds with a passion. They kill my shoulders. But today like I said, was just different.

So I bid the patient farewell and told her I hoped she'd feel better. I went to tend to the patient in the next room when I heard...Ferni!

It was the patient I had just done the ultrasound on calling me and I rushed back frightened something had happened. Cramp? Fall? Shooting pains? But when I rushed into the room I saw a 20 dollar bill staring me in the face. "I can't accept that!" I told her. "No, no, just take it!" She urged. "No, I can't its my job, I feel bad taking that from you." This exchange occured for about a minute when she finally said, "SHHHH, Shhhhh just don't tell anybody! Just take it!" I must say I felt overly compensated for only ultrasounding her for about 10 minutes. (I was only supposed to do 4 minutes)

I finally accepted the 20 dollar bill and thanked her again.

I must say it isn't settling well with me that I took her money. It's funny how we can accept gifts and candy but when it comes to the hard cash it just tugs at us.

I planned to tell the doctor as soon as I had a chance but he was so busy all day in consultations and finally when he was available I began having my doubts of telling him for fear of his reaction.

Would he be mad at me for taking the money?

Would he be happy someone liked one of his employees so much that they gave them a very generous tip?

Would he lecture me on how I should have handled the situation? (You don't understand, this man loooooooves to lecture. I do feel it is his favorite hobby."

Would he make me give it back when she told me not to say anything in the first place and then make it an awkward situation for all?

Would he lecture the patient about not giving extra money because she's already paid for the extent of her treatment?

All of these questions were circling in my mind by the time I had a chance to speak to the doctor.

So I texted Crystal and told her what happened and asked her what I should do.

Don't say anything! Were her orders. And she is my bestie and knows the doc best.

I came home and told Ben the situation and he said I should just keep it for now and find a way to give it back to her at another time. He also suggested I not tell the doctors. "It's between you and her" he firmly stated.

I still can't seem to find peace with taking the money, what do you guys think???

As of late.

2010-03-06T01:59:00.000-08:00

Gossip Girl reminded me of how much I love tights (really, how could I have forgotten?). And now I am destined to have them in every color under the sun.

Do you follow? Is it totally weird?

I want to tell you guys something. (and a fashion show!)

2010-03-05T02:46:00.000-08:00

Apryl over at http://aprylsmindshowers.blogspot.com/ gave me a fabulous blogging award. I am honored and so happy that she likes my blog! But I must tell you I got severe constipation of the mind when I saw the conditions for passing on the award...Fifteen blogs??? Well I don't even read fifteen blogs on the reg. I felt all kinds of inadequate.

So what was I to do?

Well browse through my followers of course. I was clicking away meeting some of you who I have never met before and I have to say...you are all very wonderful. No, really. I mean it.

I found my self loving a lot of your blogs. And then it dawned on me...Oh-em-gee. They've decided to follow me because they probably liked something about my writing. Really, we tend to gravitate towards people we are similar to or share similar interests with. Duh!So obviously my readers and I must share commonalities.

I found someone who loves skinny jeans and chai lattes. Did you know that I love skinny jeans and chai frappucinos? Um Hello? Soul sister! (http://astargazeradreamfinder.blogspot.com/)

In other news...

I have been shopping like a mad woman. I think I need to enter a rehab facility for a retail addiction. I feel totally cracked out. Like I need my fix you know?

I try to justifiy it but I really need to calm down. Granted I am a bargain queen but still. This is my savings I am digging into here! Not very wise. Want to hear what the Angel and the Devil perched on each shoulder say?

Angel says,

"Ferni, you need to be wise with your money, use it only for emergencies. What happens if your car breaks down? You have bills to pay remember? Dentist-Car Insurance-Groceries-Cell Phone-Netflix-Credit Cards-Gas..."

Devil says,

"Ferni, you are a great bargain shopper so you can shop as much as you want. And plus you went two years with out buying clothes because you were living paycheck to paycheck since you hadn't taken out loans and since you didn't have extra grant money because you were out of state. So, the way I see it is that you got two years to catch up on so keep shopping girl! You are in your twenties you need to look fab-u-lous."

The Devil makes sooooo much sense doesn't he? The Angel is such a drag.

So today I went on my walk and decided to give "finding that happy medium" a chance. So I put on a jacket my Dad gave me in Christmas of 2006 and headed off. I love that jacket. It makes me feel closer to my Dad. Like a little piece of him is with me. And he did such a great job picking it. And its super nifty because it has some great pockets that I can put my keys, iPod, and cell phone into. I refuse to use a fanny pack until I am at least over fifty.

On my walk I did my infamous I just tripped but didn't fall, I do that about 3 times a week. I've stopped even looking around after I do it because it happens so often and looking around would only allow witnesses to know I feel totally foolish. But today was a big one. Today was a Whaaaaaaaa arms flair, almost falling, big trip. I looked around to see if I had made anyone's day a little better but thankfully no one saw.

Then I saw a cat chase a squirrel up a wooden electrical beam. It was a stand off. Each animal facing eachother, straddling the beam, with only a few inches between them for distance. The cat slapped the squirrel a couple times and then the squirrel struck back as well. Crazy squirrel. The squirrel then head up higher and higher towards the cables and the cat stayed where he was, pondering if he should finish what he started.

Well after my walk I hit the thrifty store. I got two skirts for $1.98 dollars each. I also found this terrific little navy blue cape jacket but it was a bit too rich for my blood being from a thrifty and all. It was 14.99 and it was Mossimo brand. It wasn't Gucci! So I decided to let the cape jacket live there for a few more weeks and if I came back and it was marked down more than I knew it was meant for us to be together.

I also got some snow pants for myself that were $4.98. But I do need to give those a bath first because they had some mysterious stains on them. Stains of the opaque cream color. I'll let you decipher that one.

And I found some tan ankle boots for $4.98.

I learned a great lesson today. That I could still shop a lot as long as I kept it on the cheap. Also this works out because I still want to lose another 10 lbs and it is absolutely disgraceful to buy clothing that won't fit you in a few months.

Now this is where I show you that you can really dress for less. And this is the part where I ask of you to condone this newfound shopping addiction. Its a fair trade.

Shirt: Forever21 10.50

Skirt: Thrifty Store 1.98

Tights: Walmart 4.99

Shoes: Thirfty Store 4.98

Grand Totale: 22.45

My skirt would be much better appreciated in person but this will suffice. Pretty?

And this is me channeling American Apparel ads. Good?

Now, I have a question..

Seeing as you all have blogs and all, I am wondering if I should go mainstream... right now only me and myself and of course all of you know of my bloggy but I was thinking of making it a friends and family affair. Of course I would need to tidy it up around here but I am leaning towards the idea.

Do your friends and family know about your blog or do you prefer to keep it to yourself?

On a side note...

I made this little picture concoction but for some reason when I add in pics they come out grainy. Tragic.

Talk Talk Talk.

2010-03-02T00:49:00.000-08:00

I am wondering... as we get older (we women) ...do we feel emotions stronger?

When I was in my teen years I was like what the ef is all this hype about PMS? Who gets that? Women are just using it as a front to just be down right mean!

But now... now I know PMS is not a myth. It is real. As real as the sun that shines on our faces.

I get all kinds of moody when I know Mother Flow is coming to visit soon. And then my coworker told me something very interesting that one day when I decide to actually use my spare time wisely I might actually look into.

She said that after our periods we get depressed because our egg wasn't fertilized. Even though we may not even be trying to get pregnant therefore aren't consciously thinking about it, but that physiologically our bodies go through a brief depression mode. Hmmm...it made sense to me because I was noticing a mysterious blanket of sadness that would come over me very strongly. Maybe thats the explanation?

I am perplexed but I just know I am more in touch with my womanly feelings than I've ever felt I have been in my life.

A few months ago I was at Target with my friend and we were crusing through the store when I saw a plaque with some cheesy inspirational message and there in Target I really felt I could just bawl my eyes out. Just cry like a crazy person. Over a plaque? Yes, really.

Is this what pregnant women feel like?

&&& What weight loss tips are working for you? I am having a hard time losing these last ten pounds. They are taunting and teasing me.

Please. Help.

Every Woman's Weakness.

2010-02-26T02:33:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday I woke up and I could feel it. I knew trouble was a brewing. I knew I was going to do that bad thing. I knew the two of us were going to have a little fun. Harmless, innocent fun.

Just me and my friend Mr. Plastic.

My Bank of America debit card and I were going to have some quality one on one time together. Just the two of us! Our special day.

What did this lead to? Well it lead us to the Newpark Mall in Newark and there we found some adorable silver sandals for only 12.99. Steal! We galavanted around retail heaven some more but there was nothing more to our liking so we left.

And then we went to Trader Joe's but this was necessary as we were short on some groceries. See, innocent? I instantly regretted going to Trader Jose's because it was Saturday and everyone and their mothers and grand babies are at TJ's on the weekend. But I felt an eery sense of calm because I knew there was still fun to be had.

At Trader Joe's I decided that it was absolutely necessary I have a veggie tray in my life. My life suddently felt unfulfilled! Target was just a stones throw away and after frantically searching for a "crudite" tray I came up empty handed. Then I looked at the shoes at Target and came up empty handed there too.

I knew there was going to be trouble when the conversation between me and my rationale told me going to Ross on a Saturday just to get a veggie tray made perfect sense. (The Ross in Fremont that is always overcrowded and where the folks there do not understand that they are invading my bubble of personal space.) I also knew my rationale knew I was BSing it and using the tray as a cover up for my true intentions.

As soon as I walked into Ross I bolted to the shoe department. Aisle 7.5 please! There I found a perfect pair of black wedges there for 9.99. STEAL! (Pictures to come, next post because I have to get a pedicure...BAD.)

After that, I knew our business was done. Our dirty little mission completed. Oh and it was a great one. One where not too much money was spent but fantastic results were reaped.

I have a shoe obsession. One that becomes untameable at times. And I am very good at finding great shoes on the cheap. Really I will prove it to you.

I came home and put my shoes on right away because thats just what I do as soon as I get new shoes. How rude would it be of me to not give them a tour of the apartment as first time guests?

Ben was just happy to see that my shoes weren't flats because he hates flats with a passion.

Today I got paid and today was trouble all over again.

Trouble let me buy these...

(Under 30 bucks. STEAL!)

and then I also bought these...

(60 bucks. Steal?)

(Picture them over skinny dark or medium colored jeans

with a white top and a scarf and my long flowing brown hair, do you see it?)

And with all my might I pulled myself together and had a little chatsy with good ol' Rationale and she immediately issued a code red because defenses were low in the common sense department making them vulnerable to attack.

Attack of impulse buying!

Order was restored within my brain. My heart rate settled. And I closed all the windows of glorious shoes online. Cold turkey.

I said I am sorry you beautiful red pumps...maybe next paycheck?

and then I said I don't need you beautiful sleek boots, in leather...

and dammit I don't need you in suede either...

And shoelets I can't decide if I want you because I don't know yet if you look chic or elfy so I feel okay with leaving you right where you are...

and more importantly I also don't know if I want you in black or gray...

And that concludes that.

As Promised.

2010-02-23T01:05:00.000-08:00

I am missing something...

...and I can't quite put my finger on it.

...I just know that whatever it is, when it comes, I will know my life will be complete.

And everything will come full circle.

I've been feeling rather strange as of late. Ben suspects its TMJ but I don't know what of it.

I just know I've been feeling all out of sorts. Bouts of disorientation. Major space outs. Non-drug induced weirdness.

Its flippin' me out ya'll. ( I don't know if thats a Paula Deen ya'll or a Britney Spears ya'll, its so hard to pick)

As Ben's lovely mother would say "I am feelin' psychadelic." She says a lot of other things too but I don't think those would be very appropriate to write on here.

Speaking of Ben. Do you know what he calls me? Elmira. Elmira from Looney Tunes. You know the one. Misses I just want to love you and squeeze you and hold you ecetera. He says "The cats don't like you."

Uh, Rude!

"You bother them too much."

Sigh.

But it is true. I love animals! And so what if I just want to pick them up and squeeze them and kiss them when they were sleeping? What were they doing that makes them so busy? And since I provide food, shelter, kibble, and bountiful amounts of fresh water and fancy feast I think I can do as I please. I am not hurting anybody.

Me and the Herms

Minutes after taking this picture Herman got up and walked away. And I wasn't even touching him. Ben is the favorite around here. I am just loved when its convenient. Tis fine!

Me and Ben

Oh and guess who is here? I totally forgot to mention it. Frida was relocated from the dry, dusty desert that is Tucson, AZ and she's been moved here! To always lovely California. (More on her later)

This is Frida. (2/22/2010)

I find myself feeling strange this time of year. I believe it may be the weather also. January and February bring misery as they are mostly cloudy and rainy.

But once the rain is gone I do appreciate this sight...

My drive to work.

The lush, rolling green hills. Nothing says "one day there will be a massive earthquake" like these lovely green hills! Fault lines sleep under these beautiful hills but oh its so worth it living up here. Every minute of it.

And then, only after the rains do these trees come about. Pink trees! This picture does them no justice. They have cotton candy colored leaves and make me feel like a Princess when I go on my walks.

I am scared but excited for what the future has to bring.

It really mind freaks me that in a year from now I will be somewhere else but here.

But where ever I go I am getting a dog because they don't mind if you pick them up and love them, and squeeze them and hold them, and love their lights out!

I want I want I want!

I can't believe I forgot.

2010-02-19T02:58:00.000-08:00

(Two for ones today!)

The whole reason I started this damn blog! You know, what spawned my sudden bloggerness. It was Nat the Fat Rat. I enjoy her blog very much as I believe a lot of you do as well.

I just love how she takes what would seem into an ordinary day turns it into a story, then she posts at the end of the night.

My blog is a baby. Its not even 6 months old. But I wanted to include more pictures and more of what happens in the day to day. Because even though my blog is a wee baby right now I was just reading some of my past posts and and felt reminiscent. But you know, documentation here folks. And maybe some videos!

Things are going to look a little different around here folks.

More pictures taken from yours truly.

More posts.

Just More.

Heres one from Tucson..

Location: Tucson, AZ. Justo Residence.

Whats going on here? I know right.

Firstly the little rugrat crashing in on girl talk is Santiago. He is my little cousin who is 3 but looks 6 because I swear he came out of the womb a toddler already! He kinda skipped the whole baby phase all together.

And the girl he is smashing is my 13-year-old cousin Emilita. I love her more than words can describe. I spoiled her with older cousinly love when she was a toddler and just waddled around. She may have slapped me a few times but thats besides the point!

And me! Yours truly! Sporting some 3D Avatar spectacles. Also the whole reason why Santiago decided launch an attack of epic proportions on us.

Ramblings of a twenty something year old.

2010-02-18T23:51:00.000-08:00

As of late I have been focusing a lot on this little thing called age. Age is a strange thing. Especially your early twenties I feel. See its not too long ago I was in my teens. Five years from your teens to your twenties is quite perplexing. See, there is a handful of actresses around my age, that have been famous since I was about 18. I look at them and think hmm... they look different. And then I wonder, well what looks different about me?

I need to find a picture of me when I was eighteen in order to solve this mystery.

But lets look at some examples shall we!

Hilary Duff circa teen years...

Hilary Duff now..

Whats different?

Lindsay Lohan circa teen years...

Lindsay Lohan now...

Do you follow?

I find myself looking in the mirror and trying to think of what my eighteen-year-old self looked like. Collagen? Thinner skin? Different hair? hmmm...

On my 22nd birthday I felt old. Something about that two after the twenty really did me in. It was like twenty-twwwooooooooo. Like it could just go on forever.

Twenty-three despite being older than twenty-two sits better with me. Twenty-three rolls off the tongue nicely. Twenty-THREE!

I guess your twenties is a pivotal time in your life. Its when you really lay the foundation down for your future. See, when you are in your teens you just expect life will pan out but as you get older you realize you have to be proactive in leading the life you wish to live.

The twenties are good just scary! Parts of me wish I could time warp back to 2000 knowing what I know now so I could be a smart little freshman in high school. Oh but we all know that will never happen!

See its weird to have a perception of twenty something year olds when you are in high school then to actually be one.

I really felt that by this age I would be a lot more mature and that the "I don't know what I want to do with my life" phase would be over with. But alas it isn't! So parts of me feel teenish but other parts feel oldish. Kinda the actual age part. And then when I see high school kids its so weird! I see them and I think oh theres some kids my age and then my subconcsious says what are you talking about oldy pants those kids are in high school! And then I think oh right! And then I study them and think hmmm... I am a lot older than them!

And then people my age having kids is just plain skeeving me out. High school friends posting comments about mommyville and what their baby did is making me feel like nooooooo are we really getting there already people? We are only 23! I am no where near feeling like I want to enter mommyville. Mommyville is about a five-year trip away from the looks of it now.

The teenage part of me wants to be selfish.

I want to stay up late and watch Gossip Girl online.

I want to travel.

I want to sleep in.

I want to not have play dates with other parents I don't like.

I want to go on Forever21.com and put outfits together add them to my cart and then not buy them! Hah!

Do you like this top?

I do!

I don't feel old, old. I just feel like I gotta get my ass in gear because I don't want the years to slip through my hands like sand and then look back and think oh how unproductive my twentysomething year old self was!

How old are you and how do you feel about it?

Lets Gossip.

2010-02-08T23:51:00.000-08:00

I have a new obsession.

First off, I would like to say that I am not one to hop on the band wagon of “OH ITS NEW I GOTTA HAVE IT!” For instance iPhones? Kiss my untrendsetting butt. And whatever else out there that’s new. Whatever okay. It can wait. (Don't even get me started on the iPad)

I look down upon you “Oooo Ooooo Ooooo I gotta have it NOW” kindsa people. See it’s a grand waste of money and ugh, I was just not born to be a follower. I pave my own unconventional path okay?

I didn’t start playing Nintendo 64 until the Wii was out. I am just late to catch on to these trends. I talk a big game and act like I don’t care but as soon as everyone’s gone I peek my little head in and find out what all the commotion was about. And then I go “ OH cool why didn’t I pay attention to this earlier?”

Never fails.

So of course Gossip Girl is no exception. I am in LOVE with this show. I don’t fancy TV series too much because I just hate how they toy with you. I am impatient and I need answers with in a reasonable time limit. Waiting years to see if Ross and Rachel were going to get back together was ridiculous. I am never going through that again.

Oh but Gossip Girl has become my new evil friend. I love Leighton Meester’s character Blair Waldorf. I love the way they dress them. Totally the stuff I would wear if I was uber rich and relevant. And I like Blake Lively. See I didn’t know much about this Blake Lively girl, I’d see her in pictures and go ehhhh whats the big fuss about? But she’s kinda like Jennifer Aniston, they just got that charisma about them that makes you like them. And while they aren’t the best looking actresses (they are far from ugly don’t get me wrong here) you just like them. Like you totally want to be their friend!

You can watch episodes here if you’ve never seen the show. http://tvshack.net/tv/Gossip_Girl/(you’re welcome!) The quality isn’t the best but maybe you can just watch the first episode and if it tickles your fancy go rent the seasons!

But anyways moving onto more important information...

I am going to talk about a serious issue here. One that Megan Fox herself has finally shed some light on.

SHORT THUMBS!

Finally they found a damn imperfection on the flawless Miss Fox. She has a deformity that is called brachydactyly. Type D to be exact, meaning it only affects the thumbs.

And guess who else has this deformity?

Me!

(Except I only have ONE unfortunately, its lonely)

And thanks to Megan Fox I now know what its called. See I’ve just been showing people the short little thumb on my right hand for forever but…when they asked why it was like that I didn’t have an answer. Well thank you Megan Fox.

FYI My new short-thumbed BFF.

Check out Miss Fox’s digits here….

And now look at mine here….

Oh and feel free to google "Megan Fox Thumbs" to see many amusing pictures or wittle piggies!

My thumbs now have som one to look up to. Maybe someday we too can become famous and then possibly take over the world....

MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

Some Blabbery.

2010-02-01T22:34:00.000-08:00

I like to blog for fun. I like to write about whatever nonsense is floating around in my mind. And then maybe year's later I can look back and think wow I was brilliant! Kidding!

No but really. I like writing freely. Its nice.

I like making interweb friends along the way too! I must admit I am terrible at leaving comments but it doesn't mean I don't stop by to lurk and read. I've gotten to peer into peoples lives in cities I probably will never visit. Thats the neatness about blogging.

I could careless about having a bazillion followers or just one. Quality over quantity my friends.

The first time I saw my followers fluctuate I was a little offended. I thought, "Who dare leave my blog! How rude! Why did you come in the first place?!?" But then I thought really? Who cares. If they don't like it here well I am not going to beg them to stay. I followed this one person whose blog I liked and saw that they followed mine in return. I was flattered because I didn't ask for them to be a follower and I thought cool they like my blog too! And then that person unfollowed me briefly after. And then I unfollowed them for being a phony follower! Isn't that just the dumbest thing you've ever heard?

I don't know why it makes me laugh. I guess that person pulled the ol' "PSYCH!" game on me and I played it right back. Brilliance! See years from now thats the kind of crap I will read and remember what an idiot I was and maybe am? In the future?

I am yammering on here so lets change the subject...

So I gained two pounds during Christmas break. Ugh. Something about being back home just makes a girl pig out. I ate like it was thanksgiving everyday. Honestly, I must have good genetics to only gain two pounds over three weeks because I ate like I was going to die the next day everyday. I mean it was just ridiculous.

So I am back in my natural habitat (aka the San Francisco bay area) and I have been exercising 5x a week. I just drag my lazy butt to the apartment complex gym whether its freezing, windy, or raining. I love that feeling of jumping back into a work out and feeling yourself build more endurance. Today I jogged 20 minutes straight! No stopping. (Okay I stopped for 30 seconds because my shoe lace unraveled but otherwise I wouldn't have)

Also I have a question for the mothers out there. What age were you when you were decided to enter mommyville? When you felt ready? I am 23-years-old and still think kids suck and that babies stink like doo doo.

Will I ever have maternal instincts?

I have a confession to make.

2010-01-26T02:04:00.000-08:00

I

feel

as

if

I

have

been

playing

it

safe.

I feel as if I fall into these safety nets. And then I just stay there. Like a little warm baby in the fetal position just swaying away in my hammock.

See, I have made some decisions in my life that I am now kicking myself in the ass for?

Why???

All for the sake of doing what is "safe."

I am 23-years-old and I currently sorta feel like a 30 something year old. Like really. Where is the excitement in my life? The traveling abroad? The big move to LA I have been wanting to do since I was uh 16? Where is my young, careless and risk taking youth?

Weekend after weekend is spent with my couped up in my apt. Where has my social life gone? WHERE AM I!? WHO AM I!??

Pressing questions here folks.

2010 is a year to finish my goals. Those primarily being school and getting an internship.

But after that, I am officially implementing a full on adventure plan.

Because like they say, you are only young once.

Say you get married at 30 and have kids and the whole shabang. Well from then on you are Miss Wifey and Mommy. Your life belongs to others.

I want my life to be mine. I want my choices to be independent. I want to have myself.

I want to be selfish and carefree while I am young so in my older years I won't long for it.

I finally am at a place where I say to myself...

Just do it.

(Lets start by quitting my job which I have stayed at for far too long in search of something that actually relates to my major, eh? I say thats a good place to start. Cut those hammock strings right off the tree.)

The Future.

2010-01-25T01:29:00.000-08:00

This year is going to be over before I know it. I just know it. In the blink of an eye I will be having to say my good byes to this place. Its been weighing heavy on my heart lately. And after reading Natalie's post (http://www.natthefatrat.com/) I sighed heavily and remembered.

Back to the beginning...

It wasn't real. Ironically I was in the San Francisco Bay Area in July of 2007 visiting my aunt when I recieved a text from Ben. Blah, blah, blah...I am thinking about going to Chiropractic school in Northern California...Would you consider moving up there with me?

First off....who asks someone such a thing via text? And secondly how was I supposed to believe Mr. Seperation Anxiety who always spoke of never leaving his town nor his dogs, to be serious?

So the next few months I never gave a yes or no answer because I never deemed it to be real. I was waiting for the back out plan. The oh forget it! California?!? Waaahahaha...

But then December of 2007 came and the move for Ben was scheduled for January 4th, 2008 whether I came with or not.

I made my choice.

I told myself. Just 3 years. 3 years and I will rinse my hands clean of this place. I will go to school and not make friends because I have my own. I will get a job to help with my part. And then we will come back home to our beloved Tucson.

But it hasn't really work out that way. See the last thing I expected was to fall in love with bloody California. I mean how dare Ben just bring me to this beautiful state and then expect me to break up with it?

In retrospect these first two years on the three year plan have seemingly flown by. But I remember the months it felt like 2010 would never come. And now, here it is. An early, unexpected guest. No 2010 I am not ready for you.

2010 will mark the year I have to say good bye to our first little apartment. I wonder who will live here after we move? And will they let me come back for a visit?!? : P

I hope our friend Herman the Cat moves before we do because I don't think I can bear seeing his adorable face knowing it will be the last time I will ever see him. Who's going to let him in on the cold nights his owners forget to? And what about Scraggles the grizzly street cat with a heart a gold? What will become of him?

And my best friend. I made a best friend while I was up here. Can you believe that?!??! ME. Me the girl who doesn't get along with girls because girls are stupid made a best friend thats a girl. And not a fake bff. I mean a real bff. The kind you can tell your secrets too and the kind that shares hers in return. The kind who's house you can invade. The kind of friend that will walk around the lake with you not once but twice while you share stories about each other's lives.

I didn't make a best friend, I made a sister.

And you know what? I will even miss the damn neighbors. I will miss hearing Gina yelling at Jose (it made for rather interesting afternoons at times!). I will miss their fat mean cat Moomie, and the crippled cat they fostered and eventually adopted. (Whats with all these cats?)

I will miss exercising...outside...in the summer!

I will not miss the bloody raccoons I tell you!

There are times in our lives when we have to let go of things we know we will never get back. It is one of the hardest things we ever have to do. (Do you know how hard it is for me to accept I can't redo my high school years?)

It is just part of life and it sucks and we just hope to come out stronger after all is said and done.

Here's to our last year in California. I hope it to be the best one to date : )

Here.

2010-01-22T01:04:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles

(In a year I hope to be here.)

Dear Los Angeles,

You are a bitch. You are dirty and vain. Your streets are overcrowded and everyone drives like shit. But at the age of 10 I fell in love with you and I don't know why. I miss our walks down Wilshire Blvd and Santa Monica beach. Oh and you can't forget Venice Beach. I miss the musical beat of the citie's chaotic noise. I miss seeing celebrities on the streets.

I just miss you, you bastard of a city.

If I think I do really want to do what I think I want to do then I shall be meeting you soon.

(3 years has been far too long)

Sincerely yours,

Ferni

Move.

2010-01-12T05:55:00.000-08:00

On January 4th, 2008 I left Tucson to move to Northern, CA.

Love gave me an ultimatum. It said, listen either you keep me or let me go. Love is my love (Ben) and the love of a relationship.

So like a love struck puppy I said Love! I am going with you.

I left the town I'd known since I was 3 years of age for the unknown.

It was the scariest thing I ever did but I am so grateful I did it. See folks I've grown in ways I never thought possible. Being (semi) independant I learned how to hold my shit down okay?

I've braved freeways, and Asians, and admissions offices, landed a job my first week here, I even drove in San Francisco. I drove in one of the most confusing and overpopulated cities all by myself! (I almost ran over a Filipino lady but thats besides the point okay.) I've braved the BART. I've seen Golden Gate Park, do you know how beautiful it is there? I've seen so many things I would have never seen and I've developed a few calluses on this new thick skin of mine.

Oh but it wasn't always this good. I must admit my first year in sunny California I was a complete and utter mess. A complete friendless fish out of water. I really thought I wasn't going to make it. I've lost count of how many times I sincerely told myself, "Ferni I think you can fit every thing you need in your Sentra and just drive back to Tucson." But see one thing about me is that I am not a quitter. I may at times be a half asser and a grazer byer but I'll get it done.
So I said to myself. No. You will stay.

For the first year I longed for my city. I longed to drive the one freeway we have. I longed to see the desert on a regular basis. I longed for the calm, uneventfulness. I longed for everything. And every time I went back I felt the warmth of everything that was once home.

Everytime except this last visit. See, Tucson and I normally have our little chats as soon as I get back. I say, Tucson I really missed you I am glad to see you again and I tell Tucson of all the places I am so happy to see again. And Tucson says, well Ferni I am so glad to have you back here! But this time, I said Tucson, you know I don't miss you so much anymore. And Tucson stayed quiet.

See I don't know how to break it to the boy but I've always been the adventurous type who likes continual change and adapting to new environments. (Its hard to foreworn someone of something you didn't know about yourself until recently) The plan is to move back to Tucson after we finish school here in December of 2010. But after this last visit I think me and Tucson might be dunzo for a while. I kinda just broke up with Tucson on my last visit.

I have a hunger for new experiences in a new city when I finish school. Where the road will take me is yet to be discovered...

If any of you have lived in one place the majority of your life I encourage you to be brave and explore new pastures! You may hate yourself for it in the beginning but I have a good feeling you might thank yourself for it in the end.

Back.

2010-01-10T23:53:00.000-08:00

When you were a kid were you ever a little asshole and when you would see the little worker ants coming in and out of their little ant hill. Diligently they lugged in little twigs, dry grass, and food remains back in to their little home. Then you thought to yourself for a second, its too perfect. And then you would kick their little ant hill and chaos would ensue. Suddenly the little ants day was no longer going as planned. Now they were scurrying around frantically wondering WTF just happened.

I got back into town a week ago. Finally I am able to sit down and write uninterrupted. Life has been rather surreal lately. My visit to Tucson went by like a fast blur. This time I made no plans with anyone. If plans happened they did if they didn't that was okay too. I guess my attitude lately is that you can only plan so much but at times it seems futile. I was a little fed up with making plans. Someone has kicked the shit out of my ant hill.

I saw my Dad.

Seeing my father takes me back to childhood. I melt. I die a little. I miss him so much it hurts and its a void in my heart that I numbed for so long that for a while there I really felt maybe I could really live my life with out being close to my father anymore. I was wrong. It was all a temporary facade.

Life isn't the same with out him as a constant in it.

We drove back from Tucson to Hayward last Saturday. It was a twelve hour drive but I clung onto every moment. The drive didn't feel long enough. I never wanted to reach our destination. I wished we were driving to New York and back.

Thats all I have to say for now.

On a Blogs of Note

2010-01-05T12:07:00.000-08:00

Today I ventured to the city. I love the city. San Francisco is a majestic place. I could perch myself on a bench and watch people all day. Here high power business men in tailored suits carrying prestine briefcases zoom past you. Bums beg you for donations. And then theres everyone else. I love big cities because in one day you see the most interesting of people. People it may take you a lifetime to meet and see if you live in a small town but here, you see them all in one day.

I've seen a person dressed as a warrior for no apparent reason in the street. I saw a man peeing in the street. I saw a woman dressed in silver aluminum walking around pretending to be a robot. "Musicians" play in the echoey depths of the subways. High fashion girls parade past you. I even saw a really cross eyed guy and I had no idea which way he was looking. I've seen break dancers dance their hearts out on a slab of cardboard. Oh and don't forget to pay bushman a visit on Pier39. He holds two branches full of leaves and sits behind them only to scare the crap out of daydreaming pedestrians passing by. And then he expects a tip for frightening you, the nerve! He got me once. That bastard.

San Francisco is surreal.

I went to today to meet Mercedes. Mercedes is an extremely talented photopgrapher and if any of you keep up with Blogs of Note, you already know who I am talking about. Her blog limagequotidienne.blogspot.com was recently chosen as noteworthy by Blogger. Everyday she takes a portrait of someone. Her pictures are fantastic. Everyday people we simply disregard in passing she managed to stop them, take their picture, and capture their essense and personality beautifully in an exquisite photo. I felt a little sheepish by asking but I shot her an email and said hey, I would love to be apart of your blog you don't have to say yes if you don't want to but if you would like to I would be thrilled. So we met on the steps of this place...

San Francisco City Hall (image via Google)

I don't know why but I was a little nervous. I've never been photographed by professional. I felt kinda like a doofus infront of the camera.

Go to her website and I am under December as #351.

Farewell.

2009-12-20T00:46:00.000-08:00

Last night here in California. Tomorrow morning I am homebound. I had so much to do around the house and only got about half of it done. Typical me. Always last minute and too slow to clean. I need to go to a therapist.

Visiting Tucson should be exciting. I am happy to get to see all my friends and fam. Unfortunately I don't know how much blogging or reading of blogs I will be able to do since I am no lap top samurai you see!

But I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and hope everyone has a wonderful time with their family and friends.

I am out of here!

Delirious.

2009-12-17T01:59:00.000-08:00

It is 1:47 am and I am here staring sleepily at the template. See yesterday I saw the boy off and took him to the airport. I will see him again on Sunday as I merrily land in Tucson, AZ.

I have a little confession to make. I am a total wimp when it comes to sleeping alone. Its funny how you can sleep in a bed alone just fine when you know other people in the house but right now I am totally freaking myself out. Thinking about the creepiness of Paranormal Activity, and THANKS AE for talking about ghosts when you know I can't find the remote, thats really going to help me sleep tonight too.

So what is a girl to do?

Well I just stay up until my eyelids feel like sand bags and I am incoherent and so exhausted that my mind has no energy to stir up thoughts, it just blacks out. So around midnight I was starting to feel pretty tired. Throwing in a couple of yawns and blinking. So I went to Walmart and got some Christmas shopping done. That was productive. And now here I am half awake half asleep, ready to pass out.

But you know what, I NEVER go to Walmart. The Walmart nearest to where I live is called a variety of offensive names. It is Ghetto. (Yes, with a capitol G.) I'm talkin meth addicts, thugs, its a total circus. Surprisingly tonight it was rather calm despite the fact that Christmas is less than 10 days away.

But anyways if any of you are short on ideas as to what to get the ones you love they have personalized photo gifts there! You should all go to the photo center! I know I will tomorrow because at 1am in the morning there isn't an attendent there. How rude.

Okay, its bed time.

For your entertainment.

2009-12-10T17:38:00.000-08:00

Some one found a new way to humiliate animals:

The blond bombshell-my personal favorite.

The wigs and a book about these glamourous pussies are on sale.

www.kittywigs.com/book.html

Would you?

My First Award

2009-12-10T17:27:00.000-08:00

Guess what you guys???

I got my first AWARD (yes this calls for gold font.) : ) : ) : )

I would like to say thank you to Natalie over at Serendipitous.

She actually gave it to me on Sunday, but she caught me in a whirlwind of late sleepless nights, hard core study sessions, and not an all there brain. So there was a bit of a delay but not because it was unappreciated.

So now I guess I am supposed to choose 15 of my favorite blogs? Well stay tuned...

Nonsense.

2009-12-08T03:17:00.000-08:00

I really shouldn't be here right now. I should be tucking myself into bed and nourishing these bags under my eyes with some much needed sleep. But I got that tingle, you know the kind you would get when you were a kid the night before Christmas? Something of that sort. I just felt inclined to write and so here I am at 2:41am and things look a little like this...

Finals week is rather hellish.

So I needed a break. See the boy went to bed rather early today because he is in a storm of finals as well. So I thought, I know.... lets have a stupid wicked dumb photoshoot. So I did that because he was sound asleep. And I would never do this while he is up because boys just don't understand the need to have a self photo shoot every now and then. Plus, I was feeling prettier than normal today?

Here I give you crazy eyes.

Here I would like to show you I have a neck.

Folks, I don't know what it is but my skin has been so flawless its scary. My skin hasn't been this smooth and even toned since before I hit the preteen years. People are like hey what are you doing? I am like well...Drinking diet coke, eating eggs with omega-3's (20% daily vitamin E for one egg and I eat two!) But other than that beats me. So let me be vain and document it for you.

I had to throw it in there.

Not done yet.

Look I am channeling Lindsay Lohan ( I hate my DAD!) jaykay.

Bags.

Okay done now.

So I was feelin' extra pretty today because one of the perks of losing weight is getting hit on more (let me enjoy my youth while I still got it okay). I stopped into good ol' Subway today to get me and the boy dinner because I am not cooking because its just too physically and emotionally demanding during finals dammit.

So this Mexican boy is getting all flustered trying to flip his knife and not catching it and just looking like a ball of total nerves. At first I thought drugs? Crack? Coke? Meth? Is this guy tweakin? I mean he was so flustered that it was making me uncomfortable.

So he's ringing me up and it goes like this.

Mexican Subway Boy: "Do you want to get a Subway card?"

Me: "Oh no thanks I don't really come here that often."

Mexican Subway Boy: "Well you should really get one you can get free....blah blah blah"

Me: "No, its okay but thank you anyways"

Mexican Subway Boy (in a nervous rushed tone): "WellyoushouldreallygetonesoIcan make you more...more...sandwiches!"

Me: "Its okay I'll pass I don't come here that often. I haven't been here in a while"

MSB: "Really when was the last time?"

Me: "Probably like 3 months."

MSB: "No it hasn't been that long I would never forget your face."

Me: "insert nervous Kendra from Girls Next Door laugh here"

Take receipt and have a good night and scene.

It's coo' you know. But I am totally not hitting that Subway for a looooong time to come.

I came home and told Ben and he had a good laugh. Oh he loves to laugh at all the stories I tell him when guys try to pick up on me. It hilarious to him in a fat, jiggly, man falls down semi-nude kinda way because thats the kinda laugh he gives. Kinda like hah, sucker. I win, you lose. Obvs he thinks he's stickin' it to these admirers because they weren't able to conquer what he already has. Boys, I tell you. So territorial and primal. You just have to love them.

All fat, jiggly man jokes aside. Its funny how getting hit on really does motivate you to just stay lookin' good. See when I was getting tubby wubby I was showing some weight in my face and mid-section. Ugh, that is the worst for women. I mean is there anything more demeaning than just getting a gut and a fat face?

Please fat, share some of the glory with my ass or boobs, why always the face and gut? Genetics. Good grief.

See right after I got my hair cut a few weeks ago an Asian guy who goes to Stanford totally hit on me at Target. It was so cute. He stuttered an we made totally awkward conversation (because you can't just shout I HAVE A BOYFRIEND when the admirer hasn't even said anything remotely pickupish yet) then he was like can I talk to you sometime? And I said sorry I have a stinky boyfriend already then we said awkward K take cares! (Insert Ben's muahaha laughs here)

So that folks is I guess why I felt like having a photo shoot today. Because its two for two in one month? Not too bad I thinks me gots my mojo back and up and runnin'?

Now you tell me, what ridiculous pick up lines have men used on you? Spill.

MaDM #1

2009-12-07T11:36:00.000-08:00

OK so ya'll (I am southern now, fyi) know how I got all EMPOWERED with my I am going to help people and etc, etc.

Well I wasn't sure what I was going to do since I have pretty much shut myself from the outside world because I have mounds of crap to do for school (a 10-page paper, and studying for 3 finals, 1 final I haven't the foggiest idea of what has been going on in the class!).

So I was kinda like....????????

I am sure it wouldn't count if I did something for Herman (the cat) or Ben. Thats just the usual. (Although I did risk my life for Ben today because I went to go get him a pizza at Dominos then braved the liquor store to get him a Monster, mind you on a Sunday night, where no good people go to liqour stores. That is rather noteworthy if I do say so myself, and I do.)

So then I was like oh I KNOW! I will torture my classmates via email and send them tips on how to do their paper! Good one me. So that turned into oh hey thanks for the tips! Then the questions followed, oh the questions!

When is our paper due?

How do you cite a source?

When are our articles due?

When is our final?

Hey, can I have all of your 140 answers to the study guide?

Can I see your paper?

Do you want to be my friend?

Tuesday, here's a link, Tuesday in class, Tuesday all day online, Sure here you go, NO, and ehhh I'll think about it.

I answered every one's lame ass questions because they haven't paid attention in class at all and there they are at home, panicking, shitting in their pants, praying for a miracle. So I was like super dork today and just answered all of their questions and they returned my emails with feverish thank yous.

Thats my Making a Difference Monday. Now I know it didn't get you feeling all fuzzy and tingly inside but hey, I helped those poor bastards.

The seed and the fire.

2009-12-05T18:14:00.000-08:00

How did it happen and where did it start? When did this little seed gently become planted then watered, nurtured, and loved? How did it begin....

I've been asking myself these questions as I've jumped full force back into writing. I started writing articles for Associated Content (if this works out okay I will let you know more about it. I am going to give it a few months before raving about it or ditch it), here on this blog, and sometimes on my food blog.

I thought about my 4th grade teacher Mr. Campos (r.i.p) who would read us Where the Red Fern Grows and I would listen intently while other rambunctious students bounced off of the walls. I would become enraptured. I thought about my outstanding english teachers at Mountain View High School in Tucson, AZ. Mrs. Morrill, Mr. Morrill, and Mr. Holt (r.i.p). I remember their encouragement and how my grades on papers tended to fairly higher than my fellow classmates. I realized that they had noticed I had planted this little seed and they were there to help me grow despite how futile and helpess I felt.

When I was fifteen I wrote a poem about Mr. Campos in Mr. Holts class. The poem described Mr. Campos and how caring and tender he was and how all he wanted to do was teach us crazy kids, but no one would ever listen. And he would just look at us with those nurturing big brown eyes that were set on his full face. Slumped in the chair trying to read to us, his belly so large that sometimes we would get a peek at his under belly because his shirts flared away. At nine-years-old as my other classmates played with reckless abandon my little heart ached for this man.

Every now and then I run across the poem and sit, my heart aches like it did when I was nine, and then it aches again because I think of these two great men.  Two men who were selfless and helped me in ways I could never ever explain to them. Two men who both died prematurely of heart attacks.

I smile when I see what Mr. Holt wrote:

                                      Fernie,

This is wonderful! Type this up exactly the way

you have it here. Then let me see it again, if you will!

Mr. Holt

I wonder if he wrote that simply because of my tender age or because it was how he really felt. Either way it didn't matter. It didn't matter to me because what he gave me was confidence and encouragement. Its a simple formula to help someone grow.

He saw a helpless little fire in me that needed shielding. It needed someone to hover over it and protect it from the obstacles that inhibit it from turning into a fury of flames, an untameable fire.

All of this made me think about my nineteer-year-old cousin.

My beautiful cousin Mariana. If you saw her you would think she was beautiful because she is. You would see her straight teeth and radiant smile. Her long brown hair. Her athletic figure that people would kill for. You would see someone confident and who giggled contagiously. You might wish you had as many admirers as she, or were as invited to so many social gatherings.

But what you wouldn't see is her anxiety, her insecurities. You would never know that she grew up with an abusive step father who was an alcoholic and terrorized the family. A step father that despite knowing her since she was in diapers never considered her his own. You wouldn't know that her real father abandoned her before she was even born only to walk into her life eighteen years later, then walk out again. You wouldn't know that her own mother and grandmother were on and off lunatics.

There is one thing you would see though, that would cause curiousity and speculation. Her finger tips are chewed raw and are bright red from the knuckle up from her bouts of anxiety. But, there would be a good chance you might miss it because she hides her hands rather well.

She is someone who I share similarities with and saw so much of myself in her.

She doesn't believe in herself and she is consumed by her insecurities spawned from an unstable environment.

But despite all of the adversity she is facing, she has planted her itty bitty seed.

And I will be there for her to nurture it and watch it grow.

Sadness and Sheer Beauty.

2009-12-04T01:42:00.000-08:00

If you have never seen this website I highly recommend you go visit it. Its a beautiful story that might spark a few tears but I think it is well worth it.

dayswithmyfather.com

its excellently done. Simply scroll down and the content automatically slides into the next post and just keep doing that. Some parts are just pictures but some have text next to them. Its about 40 slides.

I loved it.

On another note, I am on page 1 of a 10 page paper and about to be hit with a blitz of finals. Whaaaaahoooooo. Who's jealous?

its time.

2009-12-01T02:20:00.000-08:00

Sunshine on a cloudy day.

I am writing to you from Tiredville. Population 1. Hour: 1:30 am. Sanity? Low.

I've been thinking a lot lately in the midst of my problems I found myself droning in negativity and being a tad pessimistic on and off the past couple weeks.

(Hold on Ben is breaking my train of thought as he tells me something random -_-) Yes he is also up at this ungodly hour.

.
..
...
....

Ok I think he's done... Nope wait! ...
.
..
...
....
.....

There!

Okay as I was saying. I have been a bit of a Debbie Downer with the thoughts that have been running around in my analytical little head. But one can only think like that for so long before tiring of it. I've been thinking about being more proactively positive lately. Actually acting on a thought and not just letting it slip away and be gone forever.

How many times have we thought to say something nice but with held from doing it for one reason or other?

How hard would it be just to say...

Hey, your hair looks nice today? (Why thank you it only took me 2 hours to do it!)

Something simple. Something nice. Something sincere.

I started following Carrie from Carrot Speak (No she does not grow carrots) a while ago and saw she has a little thing called Making a Difference Mondays. She does a good deed then tells you of it. She's a real nice gal and the things she does are heartfelt and simple. I love how she found a way to infuse positive vibes into her life. I've been a silent reader and observer of her MADM but now its time to jump in. Its time to get off my "Hilary Duff" as Ben would say and do something.

See, my life is full of unfinished good deeds. Thoughts that never transformed into a good deed and just went unattended. Here are 3 that haunt me.

1. Two years ago there was a little boy who was buying some comic book stickers in front of me while I was in line at Target. It was rather adorable he counted out his change and proudly waited to hear the amount as the lady scanned the purchase. He must have been about seven-years-old. Unfortunately the stickers were about 50 cents more than what he could afford. He dropped his head and simply slid the stickers back toward the cashier and said "Oh I am sorry I don't have enough, Thank you." And walked away towards the exit. I feel so guilty for not having bought the poor kid those stickers. I didn't even know him but to think of how it would have lit up his world makes me bite the inside of my cheek with regret.

2. A few weeks ago I got off work later than I had anticipated and rushed over to the Verizon store in order to get my brother a new phone. I strolled in there at about 7:45 pm and I was certain they closed at 9pm since they were located in a rather busy area. So I took my sweet ass time asking questions and pondering what a good phone would be and since you get caught up in these mental decisions you lose track of whats going on around you. When I came to, I noticed I was the only one left in the store and that one of the employees was starting to close the drawers. Shit. What time do you guys close? 8:00pm he answered. It was 8:20. I felt instant guilt because I used to work retail and it is the worst feeling in a world when after a long day of working some A-hole customer walks in 5 mins before closing only to take their sweet as time and theres not a damn thing you can do about it (except smile and hurl mental curse words their way through your clenched teeth). I quickly apologized and hurried. One of the reasons I also didn't notice what was going is because the Verizon employee wasn't at all rude to me, I heard no tones of urgence, not one loud sigh, no dirty looks. He just went on as if the store closed at midnight. When I left I thought to myself, I should write the head of the manager of this Verizon store a letter letting him know that I had recieved excellent customer service from a dude named Nic. But then I didn't do shit.

3. I was cutting through the grass with my friend Crystal on one of our routine walks through Lake Elizabeth in Fremont, CA when I found a dog tag. It was a blue bone-shaped tag with the name JoJo on it. I put this tag in an envelope addressed to the location on the tag and even wrote a lil' note in there saying "Found your dog tag! Thought you might need it : )." That envelope is still in my purse.

See aren't I just full of good intentions??? But I guess you would never know it huh.

Well those days are over.

Starting this Monday December 7th, 2009, I am going to start participating in the game and stop sitting on the sidelines.

GO ME.

Vapid and Shallow.

2009-11-30T00:26:00.000-08:00

I am an avid reader of the website Perezhilton.com. Perez is a sassy, trash talkin', say it like it is, fabulicious homo-who makes me laugh and I love the rotten bastard what can I say? He refers to Lady Gaga as his wifey and raves about her being the NEW "Princess of Pop." Hmmm...

This got me thinking.

Many of Lady Gagas songs are on my iPod and they are incredibly catchy. I mean how can you not just jam out to P-P-P-Poker face, P-P-P-Poker face? Her songs get me movin' and groovin' when I am burning up the calories on the elliptical or treadmill.

But while her songs are currently the most popular in the world of pop I definitly wouldn't deem her the new princess of pop. See we currently don't have a princess of pop. Our last one was Britney Spears before she had kids, lost her damn mind, then kind of got it back. I am a huge Britney fan.

I may have even gone to one of her concerts last April and screamed " I Looooooove youuuuuuuu Britneeeeeeeeeeyyyyy!!!" and taken over 100 pictures and woke up the next day with a sore voice. But hey those are just rumors you see!

Britney Spears has lost her title because she isn't nearly as popular as she was in the earlier years of the new millenium and I wouldn't say her new songs rule the radio.

Britney's Hey day.

See the "Princess of Pop" is the winner of all the categories in the popularity contest.

Here are the qualifications:

1. You MUST have the hottest pop songs on the radio.

2. Men must want to do you.

3. Girls should want to be you.

4. You should be pretty.

See Lady Gaga only qualifies for number one and for number four are the right angles and lighting but not overall. When Britney was at the peak of her looks, success, and fame, men couldn't stop talking about her. There wasn't a guy I didn't know that didn't once say "She's Hot" when she came on the T.V. Girls had pictures of her on their binders when I was in high school.

But with Lady Gaga I see people's reactions aren't the same.

While LGG is wildly refreshing with her androgenous style and outlandish attire at the same time you can't help but think, man she is fuckin weird. And she's not attractive in your conventional, generally accepted manner.

So with out a "Princess of Pop" I feel so lost and confused!

Who would you say is our current Princess of Pop???

I lean towards Rihanna because I think she is beautiful and wildly talented as well as professional and serious.

What do you think??

???

Thanksgiving.

2009-11-29T23:33:00.000-08:00

Well this four day weekend came and went far too fast. On Thanksgiving I held no restraint. In the morning I hardly ate as I hastily threw together a pumpkin and sweet potato pie and that took about four hours. I was supposed to make them the night before but I laid down, meant to just relax and then hop back out of bed and get to it but the warmth of the sheets wouldn't let me out of their rapture. It was totally worth it.

My Thanksgiving was wonderful everything was absolutely perfect. All of my favorite foods were present and I ate until my little belly swelled with pride and pushed on the top button of my jeans. Its Thanksgiving for crying out loud what do you expect me to be like this?

This Lady is a LOSER.

But I did go and exercise on Saturday and Sunday so I guess it some what evened it out.

This whole weekend my computer was under construction as the boy DELETED everything I had on it and restored it back to factory settings. The hopes of being a laptop samurai isn't in my near future but hey he got the computer I have now up and running a lot smoother. (Expect me around your neighborhood hoodlums!)

I am feeling very loved by my boy these days and that is a grand feeling.

Lemons.

2009-11-25T01:44:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been hit with a spell of unforunate happenings that have been beyond my control. I sigh and sigh and sigh because really what can little old me do? I sat and wondered about God. I thought, God either loves testing us and thinks atta human, you got it see! You dusted yourself off and look how you pulled through! Or he's a twisted bastard with a rotten sense of humor and is one hell of a prankster. Maybe a bit of both? Don't get me wrong I believe in the big G-O-D, but sometimes you just want to go WTF man, whats the big idea here? And in return you get nothing but silence and are left to your own precious demise.

So I sit here and wait and watch this weird new path of his unravel and am just trying to make the best of it. I don't want to dwell in the negative because nothing good ever comes of that.

These past few months have not been my favorites, lets start in chronological order...

1. First week of school I got out of my first class earlier than anticipated so I decided to kill sometime and Facebook it. A message in my inbox reads as follows:

I know you don't approve of mine and your fathers relationship but I just wanted

to let you know that soon you will be having a brother or sister. Take care.

Signed, Your Dad's 21-year-old girlfriend who is mind you two, two, TWO! years younger than you and who you've never met.

Massive punch to the heart.

What followed were sleepless nights and waking up with puffy eyes as I said good bye to the man I once admired and who I no longer felt I knew. A faint shadow of the man I grew up knowing. Just like that. Gone. Good-bye. Someone who left 6-years ago and never looked back. This was his final good bye. He gave up.

2. The only place I ever really considered home is up for sale in Tucson, AZ to the tune of 146,000. Its just a house right? It's part of my heart.

3. Mom calls to inform me my cat back in Arizona has been missing. Today its been a week. I feel helpless.

4. Someone hacked into my paypal account. But hey, thats no biggie.

So when life isn't being sewn the way you want it what do you do? Well, I can either sit here and sulk and think about what was, what could have been, and how throw myself a pity party. Or I can take a step back and see the good in my life.

I chose option 2 after having myself a good hard cry. I put up my facade as best I could because I wanted to be functional and not call attention. But the other night I lost my shit and started crying. Ben didn't know what to do so he just stood in front of me and hugged me as I sat in my chair. I pressed my face into his stomach and cried hot tears and gasped for air inbetween wimpers and sobs. I hate crying like that. It's a mixture of hyperventilating and feeling like you might pass out.

He's never seen me this way. I must have really emanated a great deal of sadness because he started to cry and that boy never cries. In five years I have only seen him cry three times. 1. When his dad was being a major deuch and made him cry. 2. When he thought his 14-year-old dog was going to die from plyometra, and 3. The other night as I burrowed my sad little head into his belly.

But after I had that volcanic emotional release and let go of all of the emotions and memories I tied to everything that I mentioned above (minus the paypal because at that point that was like HAH, thats all you got Geezus?) I felt liberated.

I felt so lucky to be with someone who loves me so much. I felt happy that I was in good health and doing what I could with what I had. I felt grateful for the small stupid things that some see as insignificant like visits from Herman and Sir Scraggles always sleeping on my porch. I realized that bad things do come in three's but wonderful things come by the dozen.

My days have been feeling more like this...

Caught somewhere in the middle but the outlook is bright.

When you are feeling at your weakest, what helps you?

Beauty is a Bitch.

2009-11-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

I had the most hellish experience getting a hair cut today ever recorded in my 23-years of life. When in search of a great place to go and with no recommendations via word of mouth, I am left no choice but to hit up Yelp. Surprisingly a lot of the salons with good reviews don't open on Sundays. And me being the impatient person that I am decided to go to some place with mediocre reviews.

I get there and this very cute guy named James greets me. He has gay written all over him because no straight man would style their hair the way he does. Oh well harmless eye candy for moi! So immediately we start talking and are getting along quite nicely. We go shampoo my hair and it felt like he took forever. So back to the chair we go and he had tangled my hair into a hot hot mess. It was like tangled up Christmas lights except about 10 times worse. "Wow your hair tangles really easily." He says. Funny, it never quite tangled like this before you touched it I thought to myself. ::Sigh:: I knew my stubborn ass got exactly what I deserved when you do things too hastily and impatiently.

This is how today went "So what are you studying..." Yank Yank Yank "Um....Ow...Um....Business Ow..." Rip Rip Rip "Oh really thats great...." Tear Tear Tear. Yank Yank Yank.

The boy had a fantastic personality but absolutely no grace. He man handled my poor little scalp as if he were pretending it was an ex who had done him wrong. "Sooooo what made you want to go to beauty school?" I curiously asked as my head lopped from side to side, I had become densitized by this point. "Oh I just didn't know what to do with my life so I decided to go to beauty school because its an easy way to get girls."

-_-

Apparently and only according to him he wasn't gay. In fact, he raved about how he loved dating younger girls. I still have my suspicions but with the grace he lacked maybe my gaydar is a little skewed since quitting the Gap 2 years ago.

He burned my ears a couple of times when flat ironing my hair and continued to yank the crap out of my fine locks and I cringed everytime I heard a precious strand snap. Surprisingly the end result wasn't as terrible as the process itself. It actually came out quite nice despite the fact that he said he didn't do hair the conventional way and did it the way he wanted, AKA he had no formal technique for making sure the hair was even or doing it the proper way it should be done.

Needless to say as nice as he was I WILL NOT be going back. My tender scalp is feeling sore already. I could be mean and log into my Yelp account and tear him a new one but he is so green to the scene that I couldn't find the heart to do it. I am sure future clients who won't be as nice as me will be quick to let him know to ease up on the scalp abuse. And maybe he will learn and grow from there. If not, its time for him to start looking for a new career because his ass isn't getting any referrals thats for sure!

Do you guys have any stories of having your hair butchered?

Friends.

2009-11-18T23:52:00.000-08:00

A lot of you have chosen to follow my blog. Not only have you followed it, but you frequent it, and you like me enough to leave me some love and hit the Post a Comment button. Thats awesome and I am flattered and that makes me do happy dances for days. I know a lot of you may have noticed I don't comment back. I know what a bitch huh? What a self-centered, unattentive bi-YATCH! Right??? I don't blame you! I feel snubbed when I leave someone some love and they never give some back.

Well folks its not that I don't love you because I do, oh how I do. But you want to know what I don't love? When I try to browse through blogs and my POS computer either starts working at a snail pace or freezes. Thats a lot of fun. It's a real party waiting and staring blankly at the screen as it takes its sweet ass time to load. This desktop is an early 2005 model so it is most def time for an update. I've decided that it is time to get hip with it and get myself a laptop. All I really want in life is to be a laptop samurai don't you know?

Not only will I soon be able to browse your blogs at the speed of light, but I will be able to take my little friend with me where ever I go. Thats cool beans since I am going to go to AZ for two weeks in December. I didn't really mind my little ol' desktop when it was newer and ran better and when it was back in my own room. But now I am positioned in the living room which is practically the boyfriends domain. He is cool unlike me and has an hp laptop. I told him its time for moi to upgrade and he said BLASPHEMY! Your computer works fine for your school work, you don't need to be dickin around on the internet anyways he says. Whatever DAD. I told him I needed a laptop for my sanity so that I can go into the room and study if need be because Mr. Yada Yada is constantly breaking my train of thought when I am "in the zone." But also keep up with my frens on the interweb. What do you think about that?

So hang tight friends and realize I am not snubbin'. I know I am behind on leavin' ya'll some love but fret not when I get my new friend you will be seein' me in your parts of town pretty soon.

But from the bottom of my heart thank you guys for all of your comments and feedback. I read and I smile.

What more do you need in life?

(Oh and just so you know I've been responding to some of your guys comments on my page so subscribe or check back : P)

My Love.

2009-11-17T20:35:00.000-08:00

I love writing. I love it so much that coming back to it has been a very emotional experience for me. I can't believe I stopped doing it. I guess once you graduate high school and satisfy your gen ed requirements for english in college; thats pretty much it for your writing career unless you are a journalism or lit major.

Writing makes me happy. It is theraputic. It lets all of these bottled up thoughts I keep in me flow freely on a canvas. It gives me peace.

I didn't even know how much I missed it until I started writing for leisure this year. I feel like the blood pumping though my veins became more alive than ever. This must be the way a dancer who can no longer move to the rhythm of the music feels. Its a wonderful feeling to think and to feel alive and to question the world.

I hope all of you that have blogs find love and peace in your writing as well. My first attempt at writing out my feelings was about a year and a half ago I signed up for blogger and used my blog as a diary but didn't really write the way I do in this blog. I wrote more like I was thinking out loud and my thoughts were being transferred into print. It wasn't pretty. I didn't write often and when I did I didn't like going back to look at what I had written because I mostly came to write when I was feeling upset so my blog was full of negativity. It was my rant zone because when I first moved here from Arizona I felt isolated, lonely, and in a vulnerable place. I think I had like one follower and some how I scared him off. I don't blame the guy.

I started up a food blog a few months ago which you are all welcome to visit http://www.fernisfood.com/ and while I like it, its not as freeing as when I write on this blog. See to write here I don't have to cook you guys shit! I like that : D. It wasn't until I found other people's blog where they wrote about whatever they damn well pleased that it occured to me that I could write again! Yes I could. I didn't care if one person read what I wrote or if thousands did. I just remembered I missed it and I don't really know what caused the rift between us. I guess life's obligations get in the way of what you love to do sometimes.

So all of you bloggers out there write to your hearts content and remember no day is ordinary. Write for yourself. Write what you want and how you want as long as it makes you happy. When Jen from http://www.exhotgirl.blogspot.com/ gave me a shout out on her blog and a bunch of you flocked to my page and clicked the follow button I thought, crap. Do I have to change the way I write to please these new folks to keep them around? What to do, what to do! So I just decided to be myself because I wouldn't be happy writing if I put up some fake facade. I figured those who didn't like it could leave and those who did were more than welcome to stay.

I have discovered some fantastic blogs because of Jen and I love visiting your pages and seeing what you guys have to write about. As cheesy as it sounds all I have to say is make your blog your happy place and a place you would find worth visiting a few years for now.

Okay. Thats all I gots to say for todays. Sweet dreams hoodlums.

About a girl.

2009-11-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

I was in Union City waiting for the Richmond train to arrive. She came up the stairs with her cellphone pressed to her ear in primary red colored heels rambling about how she was hung over from drinking too heavily at a strip club the night before. Skin tight jeans with a shirt that didn't leave much to the imagination. Her young skin contrasted with her overly processed and chemically damaged hair. Her roots were dark but the rest fell somewhere between orange and blonde. Faded pink streaks subtly ran through her multicolored mane. Her voice was raspy for someone who looked so young of age. She looked no older than nineteen. There was a sadness to her soul that emanated from her being. She rambled for a bit longer and I heard her groan about how she had to go to work. I wondered what kind of job allowed such a dress code to be permitted. I thought and thought.

The train arrived and we both went into the same car. The Bart's arrangement of seats is strange. Some are facing eachother as if there should be a table in between and the rows of seats alternate in which way they face. If you get a window seat you are lucky because you have something to stare at but if you don't you find yourself tinkering with your cellphone or staring down intently at your shoes to avoid looking like a creep who stares at people.

A few times I would steal glances her way when she wasn't looking and studied her. She slumped in her seat and vacantly stared out the window seeming reluctant for what was next. Her red lips shone bright through out the crowd and her smeared eyeliner from the night before made her look even more troubled. I still wondered where she was going, where she worked, but I dared not ask her even if I was sitting near her.

The train went under a dark tunnel and as we were approaching a stop in Oakland she got up to make sure she was first in front of the plexi glass doors so she could see her reflection before exiting. She adjusted her breasts, ran her fingers through her hair to make sure it set right, and gave herself a quick look over. The way a young girl excited to go on a date with a boy she fancies does. Except this girl didn't seem enthused as she emptily when through the motions. She slipped a cigarette above her ear where a pen or pencil would normally go.

I figured out where she was going.

I wanted to save her.

Guest Post From Herman.

2009-11-16T23:02:00.000-08:00

He stared at me looking so ridiculous for a few minutes before I made

him put his tongue back in his mouth.

You guys! Herman wanted to write you guys a post on how he was doing! *Oh-em-GEE*

Okay do you think I am totally coo coo now? Well good. I don't care what you think.

Actually I saw someone do this on a food blog and laughed so hard that I thought milk was going to shoot out of my nose. It was by a cat named Mr. Beanz.

If you are familiar with the website icanhascheezburger.com then you will get this. If you are not I am sure you have seen these funny LOLcats and cheezburger cats somewhere in cyberspace.

Hermans Guest Post:

Hay guyz,

I no some of uz r aminol luvrs and wuz wunderinz how I wuz doin' sinz I gotz no harez. Wellz I iz the samez as I ever waz. Jus wif less hare. But iz grwin backz. My fawster hoomanz keepz laffin' at mez but oder den datz theyz takin gud care of mez. I sleepz in dare bed and in the morninz I rubz my bawld spot on the lady hoomans forheadz and keepz it there til she wakez up. Tee heez. We connectz. I lay wif hur sinze the man hooman leavs earlyz til her lazy azz finally getz ups and she givez me fudz and then letz me outsidez to smell oder catz pewpz, and new flowerz, and whatevr oder new stuf I can getz my noze on. I lurned my lezzon for nowz to stop pikin fites wif oder catz. Espshually big blak catz that haz mor muczles than mez.

Tanks for readin my lady hoomans brog. She likez you guyz and likez to write. Sumtimes I sitz on hur lapz and get to wread all duh stuff she whytes befor u doz. Tee heez.

Ok. Daz allz I haz to say.

Lub yawrs truli,

Herman.

About time.

2009-11-16T10:46:00.000-08:00

Well its about time federal aid gives this poor girl her money. I am a do-gooder above average responsible student don't ye see!??!?!

I am happy dancing my ass off today!

Oh & the boy is a smarty pants he got nominated AND selected as one of America's Who's Who amongst College Students. He is up for a scholarship and will be in their annual book of excellent students. So proud of my boy. Told him he's got a big brain because he's got a big head!

2012

2009-11-12T12:40:00.000-08:00

Oh I am sick of hearing the world is going to end all over again. In 1999/2000 when I was 13-years-old I said my good byes (mentally not verbally thank goodness!) to all of my friends, family, and pets. And then do you know what happened at the stroke of midnight on the eve of December 31st, 1999??? NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. Everyone was all uppity about how Nostradamus had predicted it, and the U.S was going to become a 3rd world country because the computers were going to go haywire, and we were all either going to burn in the depths of hell or sing into the heavens. What a grand disappointment! At thirteen, virginal, and still innocent of mind my chances of getting into heaven were far higher than they are now. Oh well what can you do?

Do you think God would actually let his lovelies know they were going to die through a hollywood motion picture?

No, I think not.

Carry on people. Live your lives.

Can you believe it? Because I can't!

2009-11-11T22:46:00.001-08:00

Can you believe in my 23-years of life I had never seen Dirty Dancing until this year? What a grand injustice I have committed against myself! I am in LOVE now you see. And its all new and relevant at this moment in my world. How sad is it that the great Mr. Swayzee is no longer with us. That makes me sad in my heart.

I am buying this movie and I am going to watch it over, and over, and over ,and over until I nauseate myself knowing every single word to the movie and whispering them before they are said.

I first saw it on cable t.v which sucks because you get interrupted by commercials constantly. But I was glued to the tube, in a trance. I love Baby. I love Patrick Swayzee's character, he's a bad ass with a heart of gold and crazy good dancing feet ...swoooooon.

This movie made me want to dance. And I am a terrible dancer but I don't care anymore because I want to move and I don't give a damn what people think or how ridiculous I look. Hear it! I will dance!

Manly stuff. & I need advice!

2009-11-10T23:27:00.000-08:00

I am a man. I like to come home, throw down my shit, grab the remote and get to clickin' away on the tube. I like to sit with my legs crossed one over the other in a way that looks as if I am trying to protect my "jewels." I don't have the most feminine swivel to my hips. I'll take jeans and t-shirt days over skirts and heels anyday. It's not my fault I am this way. Its in my genetics. See my mom was a tomboy therefore she passed down her tomboyisms to me. Mama dressed moi in carpenter jeans with crazy yellow, blue, and red colored pockets when I was in grade school while the other girls wore pretty sun dresses.

Don't you worry I am not this bad!!!

So comes out the man in me when not a second after cracking open the front door arriving from a long day the boy wants to tell me all about his day. And do you want to hear what I hear?

Yada yada yada...doctor stuff.....yada yada yada femoral vein....yada yada yada...in class today....yada yada yada .....scientific details...

See I love my boy but sheesh give the woman a few to unwind. Or about an hour or so? And furthermore I haven't the slightest clue what the funk you are talking about when it comes to these theories, terms, and scientific language you speak of. I am a business major, stayed out of the science world for a reason.

But how do I let the boy down easy? While I don't want to be rude but it gets to be a tad much when its almost on a daily basis. We've had little spats over this to where I go " I don't know what the crap you are talking about and you know I don't" He says: "Well I know you don't but it helps me learn it better when I explain it to someone." Hmmm...so I am the subject of a learning experiment? Interesting.

See its funny how once the fog of infatuation clears and you realize, Holy Shit... you ARE just like your mother. See the boy's mama is a nice lady. A little rough around the edges but good of heart. But once she gets to yappin' theres no end in sight. May as well whip out your snuggie, kick off your shoes, and nod as much as possible and get your most convincing "uh huhs, Oh yeah! Oh reallys? and Wows" ready.

My boy does this too! His story will be simple and intriguing to start off with and I will genuinely have interest but thats when it snow balls into the well, since you found that interesting let me tell you about how the WHOLE process works and all of those little details.

-_-

Some body help me!

I vote he tells me the sweet and simple stuff and then tells Herman the more complex stuff.

What say you? Yay or Nay?

Any advice??? Please share!

Mama.

2009-11-10T00:43:00.000-08:00

Me and my Mama.

Mama, I can't believe you only had me when you were seventeen. You were just a baby.
I am 23-years-old and sometimes feel I can hardly take care of myself.

Mama, when I was seventeen I never thought I could ever make anything decent of myself. I never thought I was as beautiful or nearly as smart as the well off girls in school.

Mama, I am sorry for resenting you for never having graduated high school and not being able to help me with my homework. I want you to know I feel silly for ever letting myself think that way. I realize now I had to guide myself and I've become a stronger person because of it.

Mama, you've taught me that it doesn't matter how smart, or not smart a person is. You cannot teach them to be pure and genuine of heart. That is something that comes from within.

Mama, you had to grow up fast. But you did it with grace and dignity. You were never selfish. You never let us feel like we went with out even when we were at our poorest. You never left. You never succumbed to the temptations that could have facilitated in blurring the pain.

Mama, you left everything you knew in order to give me and brother a chance at life. You left a piece of yourself as well as a newly furnished apartment in Mazatlan, Mexico because you knew materialistic belongings paled in comparision to a chance at living a life full of opportunity.

Mama, I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire you for how brave of a thing that was for you to do.

Mama, I want you to know that you are the best mother I could ever have asked for and that I wouldn't change a thing about you.

Mama, someday I will be something grand, someone to admire, and I want you to know that I could have never done it with out you.

Mama, I love you.

Love your daughter.

Love Day.

2009-11-09T02:04:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning wrapped in a toasty comforter I blinked until my visually impaired eyes could see as clearly as possible. I reached over to the right side of the bed to feel for the boy but his spot was deserted. I could have easily just lifted myself high up enough to see if he was there. But I like to touch him and feel his warm skin and grin as he lets out a sleepy moan. I can't remember the last time we both woke up together and held eachother before fixing ourselves breakfast. That morning he had to run off to tutor.

I woke up to do my normal, uneventful routine. While I wait for my stomach to finally nudge my brain and let it know I am hungry, I hop on the computer and things go a little like this:

Check school email.
Check personal email.
Check bank accounts.
Check Facebook.
Check Blogger.
Check Perezhilton.

As I sat there I felt a sudden urge to look behind me and saw the day was absolutely gorgeous. The sun lit the living room in beautiful hues of yellow and the oak trees and greenery seemed to be especially more vibrant that morning. Or maybe I had just finally had enough time to notice. I couldn't take it. I felt like I was doing myself a grand injustice starring off into cyber space instead of relishing the outside world.

I opened the porch door and the air was crisp and crunchy. The boys immediately came running like cute little "puppies." They meowed in excitement and arched their spines in contentment as if they were trying to make their backs meet the gentle touch of my hand as soon as possible. I sat on the cement floor and they head butted eachother in competition, rolled over and showed me their bellies, and their purrs roared even louder as I designated each one of my hands to the scruffy napes of their necks and scratched away. Why do cats and dogs turn to silly puddy as soon as you do that? I sat there and appreciated nature in all its beauty and small creatures alike. I petted the boys some more then decided I was going on a nature adventure equipped with my Canon and my newfound appreciation for beauiful sunny days.

Look at the boys! Here they come! Trot trot trot...

Why hello Sir Scraggles! Fancy seeing you around here...

Always a pleasure Oliver...

Breakfast time...

Oh and look at the fat creature perched on the beam thinking he can

join in on the kitty kibbly consumption. I don't think so fatso! I scared him away...

I ran to my room and threw on the most decent clothes available. Then my brain finally stopped me in my tracks and told me it was time for that little thing you all call breakfast. Ah, yes! Breakfast that would be a suitable thing to do since I am going on an adventure. Just seconds after I had fixed myself an avocado omlette the boy calls! Why is the boy calling??? He should be tutoring. So I answer and he's got this super excited tone and he's ramblin' like this...

I got to school today and I asked my friend if he knew of anything we could do for our anniversary and he said that theres this forest thats really nice and theres this really good place to eat where they have really good Puerto Rican food in San Rafael. I think its a cool idea. I am going to cancel on the student I was supposed to tutor today and reset it for tomorrow. I hope she doesn't get upset. But I can run home and we can get going as soon as I get there. Does that sound like fun to you?

The boy had read my mind and somehow fate managed to rascal its way in and zap us with the nature loving bug. It was strange yet beautiful how the day worked that way.

This is how November 7th, 2009 went:

Time for a photo shoot while the boy gets ready doy!...

The Golden Gate Bridge, I still don't get the big whoop about this bridge.

Its a rickety old thing that isn't even gold but a sad rusted color.

You just can't enjoy the California experience the same unless

you get caught in some traffic...

What is a girl to do stuck in such a predicament?! Well take

"artsy" pictures but of course!

We've arrived! Doesn't this photo look like a still scene shot from a

creepy movie???

The boy came on a mission to see big trees and that he did!

King of the Forest?

Look I can pose too.

And look, I have a trail named after me. Well, sort of. (Ferni)

Thats one big ass dead tree!

and me!

Such a little human next to a mammoth tree.

Reunited with his kind.

Re Re.

Then we went to Sol Food Restaurant where they had some mighty delicious food and the ambiance was completely Latin. What does that mean? It was Loud and LOVELY.

So there you have it folks. The boy gets to live for another year!

Say EH-lo to my little frens.

2009-11-08T00:12:00.000-08:00

The view outside of our porch. & yes that is a turkey.

I moved from Arizona and the scenery there is nothing like the above photo. Oh nay. See we live in a green little forest up on a deer grazed hill overlooking the bay. On a completely clear day I can see San Francisco and all three bridges that lead to its chaos. By night, raccoons, skunks, possums, and foxes frequent our porch in search of kitty kibble remains. But by day Cat Hill is in full effect. See these furry friends were here looooong before me and Ben ever came here. I was looking through my photos and somehow I hoarded up a whopping 6,843 in the four years I've had this computer. I came across these pictures and instead of letting them collect cyber dust I deemed them worthy of a post. Again I would like to clarify these are not my cats! Don't you dare dub me the wretched cat lady. I do have a bone to pick with whole "cat lady" name calling epidemic but that is a whole other post in itself.

Now lets begin shall we?

This what our porch looked like our first few weeks here and what is has been looking like ever since. We have been invaded I tell you.

Scraggles! Sir Scraggles to be correct. He is the most loyal of them all. He sits on the porch day in and day out. We've seen him go through about 3 lives in the time we've been here. We saved him this last time not sure how many he has left...

Oreo belongs to the neighbors right next door. Or better said, belonged. See Oreo wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. He had the rotten habit of chasing the rims of my tires, spending way too much time in the parking lot, and also of hopping into strangers cars. Not surprisingly he disappeared about a year ago and we never knew what happened to him.

Nahla she is the sweetest little thing. She went a little skitzo and relocated to some apartments at the bottom of the hill. Cats have no loyalty you see.

Moomie is Oreo's sister and she is still around. She likes to bully all the boys in the vicinity and she is quite the diva (*ahem* or a bitch).

Jake belongs to the neighbors two apartments over but we like to call him Peanut Head or Ethan or E-Fee.

See he has this goofy disproportioned body, big feet, big tail, big gut and then this pea-sized

head. He is Moomie's second favorite to pick on. He never puts up a fight and resembles the

cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz as he scurries off in fright and defeat.

Oh and then theres Herman. See Herman is our favorite. He is Jakes "brother" and belongs to the same people. His REAL name is Rocky but we deemed that a terrible name to give to such a sophisticated cat. He is the only cat we allow inside the house because he's just that cool.

(Cats not featured: Chubby cheeks, Boogers, Oliver, and Big Black.)

& thats all folks. See that wasn't too painful now was it?

is it in the cards?

2009-11-06T22:45:00.000-08:00

I was pondering and evaluating why my whole life I've never really fancied marriage. I got to thinking about a lot of things. I became cognizant of my feelings at a young age. Since I was a little girl I never correlated marriage with serenity, peace, and optimal happiness.Both sets of grandparents...divorced... most of my aunts...divorced....my own parents...D-word. The boy and me have been together 5 years and I still haven't been allured by its appeal. Funny how the baggage from your upbringing sticks with you and leaves you jaded. And I am not jaded by choice. Its just simply the case of not missing what you've never known. Not longing for what never was.

Am I weird for not thirsting for marriage? That I am okay with having children but never taking those vows?

I find it a bit strange. I would love to yearn for it. But I simply don't.

Will I always feel this way?

I am 23 don't judge me.

2009-11-04T23:20:00.000-08:00

I eyed the sexy Leg Avenue costumes at Spirit Halloween on Friday night. My mind was set on what I liked and wanted but my wallet said otherwise. So I pouted and aimlessly walked around looking at all of the outlandish costumes and gathered inspiration I knew I couldn't use. My love found face paint and was eager to put on his ninja costume for the next night. As for me, meh. So we get home and I look at what I have at the house. Nothing much. The good news is I fit into my Halloween costume from 2007, which I didn't fit into in 2008, but now fits me loosely! Ben said, why don't you just dress up as a zombie hooker for Halloween. I found it humorous and an easy enough costume. I turned a shirt into a skirt and got some three dollar panty hose at Walmart, some fake tats, and fake blood. I spent a grand total of $10.00. Good buy, no? Anywho,

Here's How Halloween Went...

Me and my friend posed for pictures.

I ate a turkey sandwich very fashionably.

We got to the bar and I gave some kisses to the misses.

(No tongue, no thank you.)

Apparently I crack myself up under the influence.

I played pool unsuccessfully.

I took a picture of us to document our sillyness.

I named one of my press on tattoos Darla, and she was my lady for the night.

Crystal and I made it back to her house and we had conversations about irrelevant things.

The next day we laughed it up and I cleaned up.

The End.

18 & Balding.

2009-11-03T00:17:00.000-08:00

Oh dearest Herman. Handsome Herman is suffering from major hair issues and is in dire need of a toupée. We are not very sure what the crap happened to his head as it all happened so fast. One night his nose got swollen and fat (we figured something must have bit him), two days later the swelling was gone but it appeared as if a cow licked his head, and then today, POOF, baldy locks was in full effect. We find his new look quite stylish and old man chic.

See Herman doesn't belong to us. He belongs to our neighbors a few apartments down and they love him in a cats belong outside and we don't know where he is half the time kind of way. Which is fine. The world isn't too cruel around these parts of town. I reckon these hills should have been called Cat Hills instead of Oak Hills because the amount of cats around here is rather astounding.

Oh but Herman is more than welcome in our home. See he is very sophisticated and looks at you very intelligently. In fact his name isn't even Herman at all, we renamed him because his owner given name is actually Rocky. But Rocky is a name suited for a cat that is on its last of nine lives and may be missing an eye or two. Not Herman.

Poor Herm-Boy as Ben likes to call him. We aren't the greatest foster parents. We were a mixture of confused and amused at his current condition. I must shamefully admit more amused. We've given him nick names such as: Old man, baldy baby, Baldo, Old grouchy man, Baldy locks... and I've told Ben he should be respectful of his elders. All the while he looks like this:

Whats so funny you guys???

Tomorrow though I am going to go to his owner's home and ask them if they've noticed and if they know whats wrong with him. From what we looked up online it appears to most likely be a cyst that is normal for outdoor cats to get since they fancy scrapping with eachother from time to time. Hopefully tomorrow I will know what is going on with him.

But for now I leave you with this photo of when Herman actually was handsome. : )

Good byes are never easy.

2009-11-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

This house is a simple house. A standard floor plan that has been duplicated all around the north west side of Tucson, AZ and probably in many other parts of the U.S

But in 1998 when I was only 11-years-old this was the house that was supposed to make our dreams come true. It was the house that was supposed to finally make us a family. It was supposed to stop all of the mean words and all of the moving around from one apartment complex to the next.

I was so excited to finally have my own room, a back yard, and just to live in a neighborhood full of other kids. In the beginning, I would wake up every morning full of excitement, make my bed, and just stand in the middle of my room illuminated with joy relishing my new home. My room went through so many evolutions in the 10 years I lived there. That house has become a part of me.

In that home I've experienced some of the most beautiful memories ever in my life as well as endured some of the most painful.

It hurts me more than anything to see the house my parents were supposed to grow old in with a realtor sign on it. Divorce can kiss my ass and good byes are a fucking bitch.

Life is just full of hellos and farewells ain't it?

MEN.

2009-10-29T03:15:00.000-07:00

My inner child is pouting.

Ugh. MEN. Why are some of them so clueless? When God assembles men I wonder if at some point in the assembly line he forgets to implant the common sense chip into a small few. Then maybe he remembers later and just thinks oh shit, too late now.

Sometimes I wonder if one of those few was my boyfriend. I know that sounds mean but I just don't understand how he can be so booksmart, ace all of his tests, but yet, coming up with something to do for our anniversary is like someone told him he needs to come up with a cure for cancer ASAP.

You see around this time a year I get very bitchy, very critical, and very emotional. Ya see I love this boy. He is kind, caring, loyal, and my bff. But my one gripe with him aside from him always leaving the toilet seat up and somehow always forgetting when his chore days are but keenly remembering what time the 49er's play is his lack of romance and spontaneity. This year on November 4th marks the big 5. Five year anniversary that is. Lets recap the last four shall we:

Year 1: This one was forgivable as a year is only a drop in the bucket but we layed in bed I told him it was our anniversary and he said he didn't know what to do for girls on their anniversary. Whatevs.

Year 2: This year I gave him a few not so subtle reminders that the big 2 was coming up and he still said he didn't know what to do for such an occasion.

Year 3: We went to Best Buy.

Year 4: Once again he had brainstormed nothing because he's a boron. We went to the Olive Garden then came home and cheered because this was the eve Obama was elected president. No plans, no flowers, no cards, no present.

Year 5: _________________________________________________________.

This year I have made MANY reminders and some may say ahem, threats that he better finally do something because all of our other anniversaries have been sheer crap. "Well what do you want to do?" he always asks. "I don't know plan something for once!" I snap back. See I know I shouldn't put such superficial value into anniversaries but I do, oh I do. This is our love celebration! And for all the times I cook, clean, and listen to his loooooong stories I deserve me a celebration! The boy is clueless.

See my family members were extremists when it came to the celebration part of life. When I was 11-years-old and officially entered womanhood my aunt gave me a "Happy First Period" present. Not sure one's hallmark card worthy but hey thats just the kinda of people we are.

I am in suspense. I am wondering if my threats have done the trick. Will this be the year he finally does something for our anniversary? If he doesn't play his cards right I might end up looking like this to him:

To be continued...

Me and the boy. (I look uber asian in this picture)

What does your lovey do or not do for you?

Exhausted.

2009-10-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

Pretty much how I feel right now.

Aced my Organizational Behavior Management mid-term today. Tomorrow I get the status on my marketing midterm and then thursday I have one more left! I am a in a half-awake state right now so I am going to crash into my bed.

But here's a video I saw first at work a few weeks ago and then today my teacher happened to show it in class. Hope it brightens your day a little.

Oh and PS I looked at some of your guy's blogs for those of you who left links! Thank you for leaving your blog sites. After Thursday when I am free from this midterm bonanza I will go back and revisit them because I'll be honest I've been really busy this week so I just quickly grazed them.

Fifteen.

2009-10-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

I got a few inquiries as to how I lost some of my tubbiness and I would like to share with you what worked for me.

First off, finding a weight loss strategy seems to be like trying to find the perfect man. We see and we know what has worked for others but meh it just isn't what we want so we move on. I mean I see that some celebrities like to get colonics and they are thin, but that doesn't mean I want that tube shoved up my bum. We see some people who are vegan and thin, but no way I am giving up my protein. I see people who have done the cabbage soup diet, the Atkins diet, the grapefruit diet, etc. But ladies, we all know waiting for the perfect man goes kinda like this:

And thats kinda how waiting for the perfect weight loss plan goes sometimes too. We wait and wait and gain and gain until we find THE ONE. The one that you go, oh okay I can do that, thats easy! And there are a lot of plans out there that you see people connecting with so it's so frusterating when they rave about it and you are just like, bleh. It's okay if there isn't something out there for you, if there was something for everyone America would not have any fat people anywhere! So GET OVER IT, its okay.

But anyways, I am not going to give the basics you already know like: Drink lots of water! Exercise! Eat veggies and fruits! Eat lean meats! I think by now you know that.

Instead I am going to tell you what I did in times I felt like this:

You all know this feeling. When you get that crazy look in your eyes and you are going to devour everything and anything in sight. It's your oopsy I will just start over tomorrow day, but then of course, you don't.

I actually came across the Southbeach Diet book in a thrift store and it was only $1.25 so I got it because when I was about 18 I had half-assed this diet and from what I remembered it wasn't too bad so I figured hey the only damage it's causing is a dollar if it don't like it anyways! So the Southbeach Diet is what I did but only for about 3 weeks because I wanted to jump start my weight loss and expediate the process just a tad. There's a lot of great websites for the SB diet my favorite being Kalyn's Kitchen. After I did the diet for a few weeks I just crossed over into the eating right and exercising realm because saying you are "on a diet" will eventually make you lose your sanity.

During the diet I was also doing about 25mins of cardio about 4 times a week. I haven't yet gone back to weights but I must!

I also discovered a lot of my weaknesses and how to address them.

Here are some things that were hard for me to give up:

Sugary sweets: chocolate, gummies, icecream.
Sugary drinks: Juice, sometimes soda, chai fraps from Starbucks
Carb heavy foods: Italian food, yummy breaded cheesy goey things!

In order to address these cravings I had to find a substitute for each one. One that would be similarly satisfying in texture and taste.

Replacements:

Sugary sweets: Russell Stover's sugar free chocolates, they have a great variety at Walmart. Low Fat Fudgsicles, these puppies only have 40 calories (sometimes I would eat like 3 of these in a day : X) and I always get the ones that say "No sugar added." Yoplait Light Yogurts have a TON of variety and even though I am not even a big fan of yogurt I force myself to eat one but they would actually scratch my craving itch pretty good.
Sugary drinks: I would keep a pitcher of Lemonade Crystal Light in the fridge and I also loved having these Crystal Light On-The-Go Packets because they always saved me when I was in a pinch. That is the ONLY flavor of Crystal Light I can drink, the rest have this horrible chemically after taste I can't tolerate. You can find them at Target for pretty cheap. I also started drinking diet coke, water and splenda sweetened iced-tea. But of course water is numero uno.
Carbs: In the Southbeach Diet you have to restrict your carbs but not as dramatically as with the Atkins diet. I actually found out I didn't really miss carbs, they just happen to be incorporated into almost everything we eat. When I omitted them I didn't have withdrawls : D. I would make my self a naked chicken parmigiana dish sometimes and that wasn't too bad.

Other tips:

Don't carb load right before bed, unused carbs turn into fatty times!

Include yourself. Last week my love was craving pumpkin pie so I made him one and then I made a healthier version for myself that was crustless and had splenda instead of sugar. Hey I am not saying it is the same as what he was eating but its better than sitting there looking sorry then turning green with envy and having a pig out moment. It made me sing a little song that went something like this "Hey you has pie, I has pie, we all has pie!" By the way I am patenting that so don't even try to steal it. : P

Fast Food. Okay now you really must think everything I've said is a bunch of crap if I got fast food on here eh? Well no HOLD ON...Let me explain. Sometimes fast food is inevitable when you are hungry and on a short time schedule. But honestly, it has been the place where I have built a lot of my strength and will power to say no. See these days the fast food places offer healthier options, and sometimes when I drove my little self through there I would think Do I really want to order a salad or something grilled? NO. Of course thats not what I want. I want the fried crispy yummy things. My heart rate would escalate because the good vs. evil voices would go crazy in my head. Get it get it get it say the evil ones. Don't do it, no no no... say the good ones. And all the while I gotta hurry up and make up my mind because the little lady inside the speaker box is pressing me for an answer. So what do I say? I'll take the asian chicken salad with the light dressing and a medium diet coke. DING DING DING. Very good. I must admit there have been times I haven't been good and some how I had the bad case of word vomit. Fast food joints are so naughty because they provide you with instant gratification and not much judgement is passed upon you since you're in and out. Kinda like a one night stand right? I kid I kid.

Ideally you would want to pre-pack a lunch so you don't even have resort to fast food. I rarely frequent them but when I do I get the healthiest option I can. If you can say no in the heat of temptation and easy gratification then you will be A-Okay when tempted at other places.

So folks thats all I got for now if I remember something else I will be sure to share.

To Be Continued...

2009-10-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

I started a post today about how I lost fifteen pounds but I didn't have time to finish it before work. But do stay tuned I will post it maybe later today or tomorrow...

Inquiring minds want to know don't they? Don't you hate to be continued posts? I know I do. I hope every one's Monday isn't going like this:

Oh and welcome all you new followers! So unexpected but so exciting : D. Feel free to leave a linky to your blog and I will be sure to check it out. Have a great day everyone!

Vote or Die.

2009-10-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

My hair has grown quite long and I am really not a fan of it right now. It gets caught in places it shouldn't, like when I am closing the car door, thats always fun. Or when I am laying on my side it will sometimes get weaved under my elbow. When my hair is down the bottom of my scalp turns into a nice little warm oven. This is the longest it has been since I was about 8-years-old. I want to just chop it all off myself sometimes.

I decided to put a poll up about it to see what you guys think. Never done a poll before but its sunday and I have nothing better to do.

Happy Dance Time.

2009-10-25T02:58:00.000-07:00

Normally I don't post moving images on my blog because I think they are distracting and sometimes annoying. But today I am tossin' my rule out the window and folks, this calls for a HAPPY DANCE. So what is all this dancing about? Well I logged into my site meter today because I hadn't been checking it and I saw a leap in visitors. Hmmm...strange I thought. What is all the commotion about and where did this sudden spawn of interest come from? So I shrugged and figured the next step would be to log into blogger. In my dashboard I saw Ex Hot Girl aka Jen had a new post in my blog up date feed so I went clicky because me likes her blog. And then I saw this:

And folks, that is how the dancing began. I am very excited Jen liked my blog because I am a newbie and it's cool to see that the crazy crap that goes on in my head amuses others. So before I go to bed I would like to say thank you to Jen for giving this newbie a shout out on your wonderful blog, it was really rad of you. And I would also like to say welcome to the new followers, I hope you enjoy it here.

I have a MAJOR dilema here.

2009-10-23T12:55:00.000-07:00

I am limbo right now. I have a major problem that is affecting my self esteem as well as my fashion possibilities. It really should make CNN headlines and news crews should be gathered at my door. Paparazzi should be following my every move and attempt to interview me as I do mundane tasks such as pump gas and eat Taco Bell. Unidentified sources should be leaking my secrets. Perezhilton should be ridculing me somewhere and drawing male appendage on my picture. Okay enough with the dramatics already, you get the picture. I am just poking fun at all the CRAP that makes headlines these days. It's like as soon as Octo-Mom starts simmer down, we bring in the train wreck that is Jon and Kate + 8. Never seen the show, don't care to. And currently it is balloon boy and his Dad's PATHETIC attempt (yet unfortunately successful) to garner the attention of people worldwide. What is wrong with people? And why is it so hard to turn away? Why can't we just say okay they're losers, lets move on.

No but seriously, lets move onto what I really came on here to rant about. Okay so ready for my problem??? Here goes...

I am too fat for my skinny jeans but too skinny for my fat jeans. *Gasp* I know right!?

So literally I am in limbo. I have about 6 pairs of jeans that I am finally able to get up past my bum but that still won't close. Actually there are a few that I could force into closing but only if I were going for the dreaded muffin top effect. The fat jeans that I finally had to break down and buy last December when NONE of my jeans were fitting right are now too loose and making me look as if I soiled myself and just let it hang out in there. That's how soggy-bottomed looking they are. Right now I have ONE pair of jeans that fit just right. They lift and accentuate my bum and are comfortable at the waist. But I am stubborn and refuse to go out and purchase more jeans that would fit me at this weight because I refuse to stay at this weight!

I've lost and gained weight on and off for as long as I could remember. It would fluctuate somewhere between 1-10lbs. But this time around I gained A LOT more in a short span of time. Late 2007 was stressful for me and I had definitely started to nourish my worries with food. I was planning on moving up to California with the bf and I think we both were very anxious about it. I probably gained about 12 lbs around this time.

2008 was even more stressful than 2007. It was difficult being in a new place

2008 I didn't lose the weight I had gained. In fact in early 2008 I wasn't really even that aware that I had gained that much weight, I just thought that the dryers in my apartment complex were different than the ones at my house. TOTAL DENIAL. I was adjusting and it wasn't easy for me. I would eagerly look forward to going back to Arizona to visit my family and friends but at the same time dread it. My family would comment on the weight gain and would always say something like "Oh don't worry you'll lose it, you always do." But then about every 6 months when they would see me I clearly hadn't lost it but usually came back having packed on a pound or two, or three. I told myself of course I can do it, but right now for some reason I don't WANT to do it but when I want to I will be able to do it, just like old times. But you know what it wasn't easy! Somehow I had lost that firm discipline and determination I had always mustered up in years past. I gained about 8 lbs that year.

So 2009 came and I STILL hadn't lost the weight I had wanted to in 2008. I wasn't stress eating nearly as much as I had been in 07' & 08'. But I didn't really have a plan of action either. So up until May of 2009 I gained another 5 lbs I'd say. And finally at the end of May something in me just clicked. In the morning when you are supposed to be at your lightest I weighed myself and the digital scale read 159. I was going back to Arizona for my brothers high school graduation still cheeky-faced and soft.

I am sick of this shit I said to myself. Enough of this crap what the fuck is wrong with you are you that pathetic and weak minded with your self control and discipline? What are you slowly going to climb your way up to 170 and then 180....and then what? You're 22, these are your young years where you are supposed to be a hot bitch. I really gave myself a verbal lashing. But a realistic one. I told my self this is the LAST time you go back to Arizona being a fatty. Let this be the last time your Mom doesn't see that once again haven't lost the weight you intended to. And stop with the bullshit of I have to lose ten pounds in one month or something is wrong with me and I am damned to stay fat forever. No! STOP being unrealistic it doesn't matter how fast or slow you are losing the weight as long as you are making progress. So I told myself I was going to lose weight but not set deadlines.

So I stuck to my guns and set a goal. I said to myself don't put a lot of pressure on yourself and stay focused. My goal was to at least look noticibly thinner to my mom when she came to visit me in early September of this year. So I had June, July, and August to make progress. Well folks I am proud to tell you that I made 15 lbs of progress. A round of applause please! When my mom came she said "Hey, you've lost weight, your face looks thinner." I BEAMED. I smiled. THANK YOU! My mom see's I do still have the discipline and determination I always had! Now I hope you don't think my mom is some weight obsessed anorexic witch who criticizes her daughter for the fun of it. No, she would notice I would get kinda down about it so she would maybe mention it once, at most twice. Not in a mean way, but in a I just want you to feel good about yourself kind of way.

So currently I have been sitting still at 144 but haven't made much progress because I fell off the exercising regularly wagon but stayed on the eating right wagon. So I've simply maintained. But now it's time to lose! And while I am not setting a set amount of weight to lose I am setting the goal making the numbers on the scale go down by December 23rd, 2009. Yes folks, that is when I go back to Arizona for judgement day.

It is mighty embarassing telling you about how I got tubby and it certainly isn't my proudest moment but screw it. I am holding myself accountable by posting this. I know not even that many people read this blog right now but still I am putting it out there and mark my words.

Here is my statement released by my publicist:

"On December 23rd, 2009 on the website http://www.thislittlegirldreams.blogspot.com/ there will be a post announcing the weight loss progress and success of the determined author. Admission is free."

So there it is for you, in blood. Well ok not blood but close enough.

So now I shall depart and leave you with these photos from when I fit into ALL of my skinny jeans.

Me in April of 2006. Not the

tightest tummy in town but

certainly better than now.

My friend Rachel and I. This was

in June 2006.

New shorts! This was in June 2006.

At one of my physical peaks. I was running

a lot here. As well as doing weights.

This isn't a clear picture

but this was when my bum

was great shape. I was squatting

around 100 lbs and doing

deadlifts. Everyone was

commenting on how

voluptuous my new tight

and toned tush was!

What I do best

2009-10-23T01:10:00.000-07:00

This is not me in the pic by the way.

I don't look this cute when I am

studying. I look a mess.

This is so typical of me. Studying at the last minute. If you look in the dictionary for the term "procrastination" you might just find my picture in there. I never seem to get this 'doing things ahead of time' thing right. I have every intention to. Really I do. I make excellent plans in my head of what it is I need to do. I make a schedule, tell myself to jot it down, etc. But somehow my thoughts just don't really turn into actions.

Okay anyways back to studying for the mid-term I have tomorrow at 9:20am.

Wish Me Luck Folks.

Good day.

Are you as in love as I am?

2009-10-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

I do simply adore this look. The healthy pale radiant skin. Dark hair and mysterious eyes. Such eloquent colors.

Things on my mind these days.

2009-10-22T02:29:00.000-07:00

The fridge is empty.

2009-10-21T11:55:00.000-07:00

Benny: You're getting paid soon aren't you?
Me: Yes I am, this week.
Benny: I can tell.
Me. Hmm? What do you mean? How?
Benny: The fridge is empty.
Me: Oh yes, yes it is.

The dreaded empty fridge. Today is pay day and it is my duty as an unwed house wife to promptly restock the damn appliance. Which of course I shall as soon as I get off work.

The words Pay Day used to bring joy into my once simple life. Now they make me go, meh. Bleh, meh, sigh. Back when I was under my parents wing and unwavering care, pay days used to be a celebration, a rush, a high, an anxious excitement. Now they are just a reminder of my obligations and right now the phrase " You Make Money Just to Lose Money" is quit fitting.

I make about $400 every two weeks and heres how it's allocated every two weeks:

Right now my monthly obligations obliterate 78.50% of my paycheck. (oh yes, I did just calculate that.)

That leaves me with a grand total of $ 172 dollars a month. But somehow that cash ends up slipping through my fingers like sand with unexpected bills or improper calculations.

Despite the fact that none of that money is mine. It gives me a feverish ambition to pull through and work harder and truly make something of myself. It gives me that extra pep in my step when I am lugging my lazy arse around campus.

But at this point in my life I dread and loathe those two words. It feels like a once blistful marriage that went awfully awry. The spark is gone...but only for now.

Some what of an introduction...

2009-10-21T02:43:00.000-07:00

Surely I have far better photos archived in my computer but this one describes me to a T. Confused, eating, and listening intently. And my cousin, well she's off giggling about something or other.

Hello wee world...welcome to my blog. Do follow, for there are more interesting blatherings to come. This one is just a hello, as it is late and far past my bed time. Sweet dreams hoodlums.

Should I cut my hair?
	Yes, its too long!
	No! how could you!
	Neutral. I could really give a crap what you do to your hair.

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