I have been absent for quite sometime. I realize my last post was rather ambiguous and rather on the downside.
But at the time, that was how I was feeling. Submerged in a sea of despair and feelings of failure.
I finally hiked up my big girl pants and days after my last post (September 2nd) I marched myself into the counseling services department at school. It was something I had been dreading. But, I realized an emotional detox with a perfect stranger is just what I needed. If things didn't pan out as I thought they would its okay because there would be no strings attached. Kinda like a one night stand? Right? Except better!
But anyways, it was intense. What I wanted was to walk in and say here, these are my problems...now fix them! Feel free to throw your pellets of wisdom and advice my way Mr. Family and Marriage Counselor Man (with a shiny bald head).I'll catch all those suckers. But of course, thats not the way it works.
Instead it works more like the onion effect. You know that whole peel one layer off ooooone at a time?And realize your solutions via methods of self discovery and probing? Needless to say, very few answers were provided. Instead there was a lot of crying, about twenty tissues less, and me trying to sum up my life story in a 50 minute session. I left that place looking as if I had been cutting onions all day and them putting then on my eyes as moisturizers.
That day, I can't say I felt much better. I felt as if I had plunged myself deeper into those feelings. But, the days that followed gave me strength and optimism. It was truly refreshing to speak to someone who had a neutral perspective. To talk to someone who does not have preconcieved ideas or thoughts about who you are or judge where you've been.
This is a touchy subject for my to talk about because this blog is my outlet. And the last thing I want it to sound like is some mopey, depressing, poooooor me blog. Because hello!? Why is Eeyore no one's favorite character? (Like seriously, would you want to invite him to a party?)
And for a while there I felt like I every time I came to this little digital window that works as a vehicle to provide the outside world with my inner most awesome thoughts...I didn't feel like I had any positive shit to say. And its not that I want to get all Richard Simmons on your guys asses and be like super upbeat and ADHD. Its just that I want my blog to reflect who I am as a person in real life as well.
In person I am someone who rarely touches on topics that are depressing or that drag themselves out. I am actually a pretty rad person (if I do say so myself). Sure I could curse a lot less and maybe not be as cynical. But at the end of the day, I am a pretty damn good person that is the friend many call, the friend many love to have because of all the funny and crazy shit she says, and the friend that 'has it together.'
So I guess what I am trying to say is that I missed this damn place. Both the blog and this attitude. And it feels good to be back!
(In other news, I am getting a profesh camera in Jan, a Nikon D3100 DSLR, so in lieu of that I am in the developing stages of making a new blog, one that is more universal and friends and family members can see! & of course you guys too!)
But I feel this is a blog I do not ever want to erase because so much of my personal thoughts have been poured into here to the eyes of complete strangers! And just like Mr. Shiny Bald Head you guys have listened and not judged.
Thank you. It means the world to me.