I have a confession to make.

       

I

feel

as

if

I

have

been

playing

it

safe.


I feel as if I fall into these safety nets. And then I just stay there. Like a little warm baby in the fetal position just swaying away in my hammock.

See, I have made some decisions in my life that I am now kicking myself in the ass for?

Why???

All for the sake of doing what is "safe."

I am 23-years-old and I currently sorta feel like a 30 something year old. Like really. Where is the excitement in my life? The traveling abroad? The big move to LA I have been wanting to do since I was uh 16? Where is my young, careless and risk taking youth?

Weekend after weekend is spent with my couped up in my apt. Where has my social life gone? WHERE AM I!? WHO AM I!??

Pressing questions here folks.

2010 is a year to finish my goals. Those primarily being school and getting an internship.

But after that, I am officially implementing a full on adventure plan.

Because like they say, you are only young once.

Say you get married at 30 and have kids and the whole shabang. Well from then on you are Miss Wifey and Mommy. Your life belongs to others.

I want my life to be mine. I want my choices to be independent. I want to have myself.

I want to be selfish and carefree while I am young so in my older years I won't long for it.

I finally am at a place where I say to myself...

Just do it.

(Lets start by quitting my job which I have stayed at for far too long in search of something that actually relates to my major, eh? I say thats a good place to start. Cut those hammock strings right off the tree.)

The Future.

This year is going to be over before I know it. I just know it. In the blink of an eye I will be having to say my good byes to this place. Its been weighing heavy on my heart lately. And after reading Natalie's post (http://www.natthefatrat.com/) I sighed heavily and remembered.

Back to the  beginning...

It wasn't real. Ironically I was in the San Francisco Bay Area in July of 2007 visiting my aunt when I recieved a text from Ben. Blah, blah, blah...I am thinking about going to Chiropractic school in Northern California...Would you consider moving up there with me?

First off....who asks someone such a thing via text? And secondly how was I supposed to believe Mr. Seperation Anxiety who always spoke of never leaving his town nor his dogs, to be serious?

So the next few months I never gave a yes or no answer because I never deemed it to be real. I was waiting for the back out plan. The oh forget it! California?!? Waaahahaha...

But then December of 2007 came and the move for Ben was scheduled for January 4th, 2008 whether I came with or not.

I made my choice.

I told myself. Just 3 years. 3 years and I will rinse my hands clean of this place. I will go to school and not make friends because I have my own.  I will get a job to help with my part. And then we will come back home to our beloved Tucson.

But it hasn't really work out that way. See the last thing I expected was to fall in love with bloody California. I mean how dare Ben just bring me to this beautiful state and then expect me to break up with it?

In retrospect these first two years on the three year plan have seemingly flown by. But I remember the months it felt like 2010 would never come. And now, here it is. An early, unexpected guest. No 2010 I am not ready for you.

2010 will mark the year I have to say good bye to our first little apartment. I wonder who will live here after we move? And will they let me come back for a visit?!? : P

I hope our friend Herman the Cat moves before we do because I don't think I can bear seeing his adorable face knowing it will be the last time I will ever see him. Who's going to let him in on the cold nights his owners forget to? And what about Scraggles the grizzly street cat with a heart a gold? What will become of him?

And my best friend. I made a best friend while I was up here. Can you believe that?!??! ME. Me the girl who doesn't get along with girls because girls are stupid made a best friend thats a girl. And not a fake bff. I mean a real bff. The kind you can tell your secrets too and the kind that shares hers in return. The kind who's house you can invade. The kind of friend that will walk around the lake with you not once but twice while you share stories about each other's lives.

I didn't make a best friend, I made a sister.

And you know what? I will even miss the damn neighbors. I will miss hearing Gina yelling at Jose (it made for rather interesting afternoons at times!). I will miss their fat mean cat Moomie, and the crippled cat they fostered and eventually adopted. (Whats with all these cats?)

I will miss exercising...outside...in the summer!

I will not miss the  bloody raccoons I tell you!

There are times in our lives when we have to let go of things we know we will never get back. It is one of the hardest things we ever have to do. (Do you know how hard it is for me to accept I can't redo my high school years?)

It is just part of life and it sucks and we just hope to come out stronger after all is said and done.

Here's to our last year in California. I hope it to be the best one to date : )

Here.

Los Angeles

(In a year I hope to be here.)

Dear Los Angeles,

You are a bitch. You are dirty and vain. Your streets are overcrowded and everyone drives like shit. But at the age of 10 I fell in love with you and I don't know why. I miss our walks down Wilshire Blvd and Santa Monica beach. Oh and you can't forget Venice Beach. I miss the musical beat of the citie's chaotic noise. I miss seeing celebrities on the streets.

I just miss you, you bastard of a city.

If I think I do really want to do what I think I want to do then I shall be meeting you soon.

(3 years has been far too long)

Sincerely yours,

Ferni

Move.

On January 4th, 2008 I left Tucson to move to Northern, CA.

Love gave me an ultimatum. It said, listen either you keep me or let me go. Love is my love (Ben) and the love of a relationship.

So like a love struck puppy I said Love! I am going with you.

I left the town I'd known since I was 3 years of age for the unknown.

It was the scariest thing I ever did but I am so grateful I did it. See folks I've grown in ways I never thought possible. Being (semi) independant I learned how to hold my shit down okay?

I've braved freeways, and Asians, and admissions offices, landed a job my first week here, I even drove in San Francisco. I drove in one of the most confusing and overpopulated cities all by myself! (I almost ran over a Filipino lady but thats besides the point okay.) I've braved the BART. I've seen Golden Gate Park, do you know how beautiful it is there? I've seen so many things I would have never seen and I've developed a few calluses on this new thick skin of mine.

Oh but it wasn't always this good. I must admit my first year in sunny California I was a complete and utter mess. A complete friendless fish out of water. I really thought I wasn't going to make it. I've lost count of how many times I sincerely told myself, "Ferni I think you can fit every thing you need in your Sentra and just drive back to Tucson." But see one thing about me is that I am not a quitter. I may at times be a half asser and a grazer byer but I'll get it done.
So I said to myself. No. You will stay.

For the first year I longed for my city. I longed to drive the one freeway we have. I longed to see the desert on a regular basis. I longed for the calm, uneventfulness. I longed for everything. And every time I went back I felt the warmth of everything that was once home.

Everytime except this last visit. See, Tucson and I normally have our little chats as soon as I get back. I say, Tucson I really missed you I am glad to see you again and I tell Tucson of all the places I am so happy to see again. And Tucson says, well Ferni I am so glad to have you back here! But this time, I said Tucson, you know I don't miss you so much anymore. And Tucson stayed quiet.

See I don't know how to break it to the boy but I've always been the adventurous type who likes continual change and adapting to new environments. (Its hard to foreworn someone of something you didn't know about yourself until recently) The plan is to move back to Tucson after we finish school here in December of 2010. But after this last visit I think me and Tucson might be dunzo for a while. I kinda just broke up with Tucson on my last visit.

I have a hunger for new experiences in a new city when I finish school. Where the road will take me is yet to be discovered...

If any of you have lived in one place the majority of your life I encourage you to be brave and explore new pastures! You may hate yourself for it in the beginning but I have a good feeling you might thank yourself for it in the end.

Back.

When you were a kid were you ever a little asshole and when you would see the little worker ants coming in and out of their little ant hill. Diligently they lugged in little twigs, dry grass, and food remains back in to their little home. Then you thought to yourself for a second, its too perfect. And then you would kick their little ant hill and chaos would ensue. Suddenly the little ants day was no longer going as planned. Now they were scurrying around frantically wondering WTF just happened.

I got back into town a week ago. Finally I am able to sit down and write uninterrupted. Life has been rather surreal lately. My visit to Tucson went by like a fast blur. This time I made no plans with anyone. If plans happened they did if they didn't that was okay too. I guess my attitude lately is that you can only plan so much but at times it seems futile. I was a little fed up with making plans. Someone has kicked the shit out of my ant hill.

I saw my Dad.

Seeing my father takes me back to childhood. I melt. I die a little. I miss him so much it hurts and its a void in my heart that I numbed for so long that for a while there I really felt maybe I could really live my life with out being close to my father anymore. I was wrong. It was all a temporary facade.

Life isn't the same with out him as a constant in it.

We drove back from Tucson to Hayward last Saturday. It was a twelve hour drive but I clung onto every moment. The drive didn't feel long enough. I never wanted to reach our destination. I wished we were driving to New York and back.

Thats all I have to say for now.

On a Blogs of Note

Today I ventured to the city. I love the city. San Francisco is a majestic place.  I could perch myself on a bench and watch people all day. Here high power business men in tailored suits carrying prestine briefcases zoom past you. Bums beg you for donations. And then theres everyone else. I love big cities because in one day you see the most interesting of people. People it may take you a lifetime to meet and see if you live in a small town but here, you see them all in one day.

I've seen a person dressed as a warrior for no apparent reason in the street. I saw a man peeing in the street. I saw a woman dressed in silver aluminum walking around pretending to be a robot. "Musicians" play in the echoey depths of the subways. High fashion girls parade past you. I even saw a really cross eyed guy and I had no idea which way he was looking. I've seen break dancers dance their hearts out on a slab of cardboard. Oh and don't forget to pay bushman a visit on Pier39. He holds two branches full of leaves and sits behind them only to scare the crap out of daydreaming pedestrians passing by. And then he expects a tip for frightening you, the nerve! He got me once. That bastard.

San Francisco is surreal.

I went to today to meet Mercedes. Mercedes is an extremely talented photopgrapher and if any of you keep up with Blogs of Note, you already know who I am talking about. Her blog limagequotidienne.blogspot.com was recently chosen as noteworthy by Blogger. Everyday she takes a portrait of someone. Her pictures are fantastic. Everyday people we simply disregard in passing she managed to stop them, take their picture, and capture their essense and personality beautifully in an exquisite photo. I felt a little sheepish by asking but I shot her an email and said hey, I would love to be apart of your blog you don't have to say yes if you don't want to but if you would like to I would be thrilled. So we met on the steps of this place...

San Francisco City Hall (image via Google)

I don't know why but I was a little nervous. I've never been photographed by professional. I felt kinda like a doofus infront of the camera.

Go to her website and I am under December as  #351.