Farewell.

Last night here in California. Tomorrow morning I am homebound. I had so much to do around the house and only got about half of it done. Typical me. Always last minute and too slow to clean. I need to go to a therapist.

Visiting Tucson should be exciting. I am happy to get to see all my friends and fam. Unfortunately I don't know how much blogging or reading of blogs I will be able to do since I am no lap top samurai you see!

But I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and hope everyone has a wonderful time with their family and friends.

I am out of here!

Delirious.

It is 1:47 am and I am here staring sleepily at the template. See yesterday I saw the boy off and took him to the airport. I will see him again on Sunday as I merrily land in Tucson, AZ.

I have a little confession to make. I am a total wimp when it comes to sleeping alone. Its funny how you can sleep in a bed alone just fine when you know other people in the house but right now I am totally freaking myself out. Thinking about the creepiness of Paranormal Activity, and THANKS AE for talking about ghosts when you know I can't find the remote, thats really going to help me sleep tonight too.

So what is a girl to do?

Well I just stay up until my eyelids feel like sand bags and I am incoherent and so exhausted that my mind has no energy to stir up thoughts, it just blacks out. So around midnight I was starting to feel pretty tired. Throwing in a couple of yawns and blinking. So I went to Walmart and got some Christmas shopping done. That was productive. And now here I am half awake half asleep, ready to pass out.

But you know what, I NEVER go to Walmart. The Walmart nearest to where I live is called a variety of offensive names. It is Ghetto. (Yes, with a capitol G.) I'm talkin meth addicts, thugs, its a total circus. Surprisingly tonight it was rather calm despite the fact that Christmas is less than 10 days away.

But anyways if any of you are short on ideas as to what to get the ones you love they have personalized photo gifts there! You should all go to the photo center! I know I will tomorrow because at 1am in the morning there isn't an attendent there. How rude.

Okay, its bed time.

For your entertainment.

Some one found a new way to humiliate animals:

The blond bombshell-my personal favorite.

The wigs and a book about these glamourous pussies are on sale.

www.kittywigs.com/book.html

Would you?

My First Award

Guess what you guys???

 I got my  first AWARD (yes this calls for gold font.) : ) : ) : )

I would like to say thank you to Natalie over at Serendipitous.

She actually gave it to me on Sunday, but she caught me in a whirlwind of late sleepless nights, hard core study sessions, and not an all there brain. So there was a bit of a delay but not because it was unappreciated.

So now I guess I am supposed to choose 15 of my favorite blogs? Well stay tuned...

Nonsense.

I really shouldn't be here right now. I should be tucking myself into bed and nourishing these bags under my eyes with some much needed sleep. But I got that tingle, you know the kind you would get when you were a kid the night before Christmas? Something of that sort. I just felt inclined to write and so here I am at 2:41am and things look a little like this...

Finals week is rather hellish.

So I needed a break. See the boy went to bed rather early today because he is in a storm of finals as well. So I thought, I know.... lets have a stupid wicked dumb photoshoot. So I did that because he was sound asleep. And I would never do this while he is up because boys just don't understand the need to have a self photo shoot every now and then. Plus, I was feeling prettier than normal today?

Here I give you crazy eyes.

Here I would like to show you I have a neck.

Folks, I don't know what it is but my skin has been so flawless its scary. My skin hasn't been this smooth and even toned since before I hit the preteen years. People are like hey what are you doing?  I am like well...Drinking diet coke, eating eggs with omega-3's (20%  daily vitamin E for one egg and I eat two!) But other than that beats me. So let me be vain and document it for you.

I had to throw it in there.

Not done yet.

Look I am channeling Lindsay Lohan ( I hate my DAD!) jaykay.

Bags.

Okay done now.

So I was feelin' extra pretty today because one of the perks of losing weight is getting hit on more (let me enjoy my youth while I still got it okay). I stopped into good ol' Subway today to get me and the boy dinner because I am not cooking because its just too physically and emotionally demanding during finals dammit.

So this Mexican boy is getting all flustered trying to flip his knife and not catching it and just looking like a ball of total nerves. At first I thought drugs? Crack? Coke? Meth? Is this guy tweakin? I mean he was so flustered that it was making me uncomfortable.

So he's ringing me up  and it goes like this.

Mexican Subway Boy: "Do you want to get a Subway card?"

Me: "Oh no thanks I don't really come here that often."

Mexican Subway Boy: "Well you should really get one you can get free....blah blah blah"

Me: "No, its okay but thank you anyways"

Mexican Subway Boy (in a nervous rushed tone): "WellyoushouldreallygetonesoIcan make you more...more...sandwiches!"

Me: "Its okay I'll pass I don't come here that often. I haven't been here in a while"

MSB: "Really when was the last time?"

Me: "Probably like 3 months."

MSB: "No it hasn't been that long I would never forget your face."

Me: "insert nervous Kendra from Girls Next Door laugh here"

Take receipt and have a good night and scene.

It's coo' you know. But I am totally not hitting that Subway  for a looooong time to come.

I came home and told Ben and he had a good laugh. Oh he loves to laugh at all the stories I tell him when guys try to pick up on me. It hilarious to him in a fat, jiggly, man falls down semi-nude kinda way because thats the kinda laugh he gives. Kinda like hah, sucker. I win, you lose. Obvs he thinks he's stickin'  it to these admirers because they weren't able to conquer what he already has. Boys, I tell you. So territorial and primal. You just have to love them.

All fat, jiggly man jokes aside. Its funny how getting hit on really does motivate you to just stay lookin' good. See when I was getting tubby wubby I was showing some weight in my face and mid-section. Ugh, that is the worst for women. I mean is there anything more demeaning than just getting a gut and a fat face?

Please fat, share some of the glory with my ass or boobs, why always the face and gut? Genetics. Good grief.

See right after I got my hair cut a few weeks ago an Asian guy who goes to Stanford totally hit on me at Target. It was so cute. He stuttered an we made totally awkward conversation (because you can't just shout I HAVE A BOYFRIEND when the admirer hasn't even said anything remotely pickupish yet) then he was like can I talk to you sometime? And I said sorry I have a stinky boyfriend already  then we said awkward K take cares! (Insert Ben's muahaha laughs here)

So that folks is I guess why I felt like having a photo shoot today. Because its two for two in one month? Not too bad I thinks me gots my mojo back and up and runnin'?

Now you tell me, what ridiculous pick up lines have men used on you? Spill.

MaDM #1

OK so ya'll (I am southern now, fyi) know how I got all EMPOWERED with my I am going to help people and etc, etc.

Well I wasn't sure what I was going to do since I have pretty much shut myself from the outside world because I have mounds of crap to do for school (a 10-page paper, and studying for 3 finals, 1 final I haven't the foggiest idea of what has been going on in the class!).

So I was kinda like....????????

I am sure it wouldn't count if I did something for Herman (the cat) or Ben. Thats just the usual. (Although I did risk my life for Ben today because I went to go get him a pizza at Dominos then braved the liquor store to get him a Monster, mind you on a Sunday night, where no good people go to liqour stores. That is rather noteworthy if I do say so myself, and I do.)

So then I was like oh I KNOW! I will torture my classmates via email and send them tips on how to do their paper! Good one me. So that turned into oh hey thanks for the tips! Then the questions followed, oh the questions!

When is our paper due?

How do you cite a source?

When are our articles due?

When is our final?

Hey, can I have all of your 140 answers to the study guide?

Can I see your paper?

Do you want to be my friend?

Tuesday, here's a link, Tuesday in class, Tuesday all day online, Sure here you go, NO, and ehhh I'll think about it.

I answered every one's lame ass questions because they haven't paid attention in class at all and there they are at home, panicking, shitting in their pants, praying for a miracle. So I was like super dork today and just answered all of their questions and they returned my emails with feverish thank yous.

Thats my Making a Difference Monday. Now I know it didn't get you feeling all fuzzy and tingly inside but hey, I helped those poor bastards.

The seed and the fire.

How did it happen and where did it start? When did this little seed gently become planted then watered, nurtured, and loved? How did it begin....

I've been asking myself these questions as I've jumped full force back into writing. I started writing articles for Associated Content (if this works out okay I will let you know more about it. I am going to give it a few months before raving about it or ditch it), here on this blog, and sometimes on my food blog.

I thought about my 4th grade teacher Mr. Campos (r.i.p) who would read us Where the Red Fern Grows and I would listen intently while other rambunctious students bounced off of the walls. I would become enraptured. I thought about my outstanding english teachers at Mountain View High School in Tucson, AZ. Mrs. Morrill, Mr. Morrill, and Mr. Holt (r.i.p). I remember their encouragement and how my grades on papers tended to fairly higher  than my fellow classmates. I realized that they had noticed I had planted this little seed and they were there to help me grow despite how futile and helpess I felt.

When I was fifteen I wrote a poem about Mr. Campos in Mr. Holts class. The poem described Mr. Campos and how caring and tender he was and how all he wanted to do was teach us crazy kids, but no one would ever listen. And he would just look at us with those nurturing big brown eyes that were set on his full face. Slumped in the chair trying to read to us, his belly so large that sometimes we would get a peek at his under belly because his shirts flared away. At nine-years-old as my other classmates played with reckless abandon my little heart ached for this man.

Every now and then I run across the poem and sit, my heart aches like it did when I was nine, and then it aches again because I think of these two great men.  Two men who were selfless and helped me in ways I could never ever explain to them. Two men who both died prematurely of heart attacks.

I smile when I see what Mr. Holt wrote:
                                    
                                       Fernie,

This is wonderful! Type this up exactly the way

you have it here. Then let me see it again, if you will!

                                                                               Mr. Holt

I wonder if he wrote that simply because of my tender age or because it was how he really felt. Either way it didn't matter. It didn't matter to me because what he gave me was confidence and encouragement. Its a simple formula to help someone grow.

He saw a helpless little fire in me that needed shielding. It needed someone to hover over it and protect it from the obstacles that inhibit it from turning into a fury of flames, an untameable fire.

All of this made me think about my nineteer-year-old cousin.

My beautiful cousin Mariana.  If you saw her you would think she was beautiful because she is. You would see her straight teeth and radiant smile. Her long brown hair. Her athletic figure that people would kill for. You would see someone confident and who giggled contagiously. You might wish you had as many admirers as she, or were as invited to so many social gatherings.

But what you wouldn't see is her anxiety, her insecurities. You would never know that she grew up with an abusive step father who was an alcoholic and terrorized the family. A step father that despite knowing her since she was in diapers never considered her his own. You wouldn't know that her real father abandoned her  before she was even born only to walk into her life eighteen years later, then walk out again. You wouldn't know that her own mother and grandmother were on and off lunatics.

There is one thing you would see though, that would cause curiousity and speculation. Her finger tips are chewed raw and are bright red from the knuckle up from her bouts of anxiety. But, there would be a good chance you might miss it because she hides her hands rather well.

She is someone who I share similarities with and saw so much of myself in her.

She doesn't believe in herself and she is consumed by her insecurities spawned from an unstable environment.

But despite all of the adversity she is facing, she has planted her itty bitty seed.

And I will be there for her to nurture it and watch it grow.

Sadness and Sheer Beauty.

If you have never seen this website I highly recommend you go visit it. Its a beautiful story that might spark a few tears but I think it is well worth it.

dayswithmyfather.com

its excellently done. Simply scroll down and the content automatically slides into the next post and just keep doing that. Some parts are just pictures but some have text next to them. Its about 40 slides.

I loved it.

On another note, I am on page 1 of a 10 page paper and about to be hit with a blitz of finals. Whaaaaahoooooo. Who's jealous?

its time.

Sunshine on a cloudy day.

I am writing to you from Tiredville. Population 1. Hour: 1:30 am. Sanity? Low.

I've been thinking a lot lately in the midst of my problems I found myself droning in negativity and being a tad pessimistic on and off the past couple weeks.

(Hold on Ben is breaking my train of thought as he tells me something random -_-)  Yes he is also up at this ungodly hour.

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Ok I think he's done... Nope wait! ...
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There!

Okay as I was saying. I have been a bit of a Debbie Downer with the thoughts that have been running around in my analytical little head. But one can only think like that for so long before tiring of it. I've been thinking about being more proactively positive lately. Actually acting on a thought and not just letting it slip away and be gone forever.

How many times have we thought to say something nice but with held from doing it for one reason or other?

How hard would it be just to say...

Hey, your hair looks nice today? (Why thank you it only took me 2 hours to do it!)

Something simple. Something nice. Something sincere.

I started following Carrie from Carrot Speak (No she does not grow carrots) a while ago and saw she has a little thing called Making a Difference Mondays. She does a good deed then tells you of it. She's a real nice gal and the things she does are heartfelt and simple.  I love how she found a way to infuse positive vibes into her life. I've been a silent reader and observer of her MADM but now its time to jump in. Its time to get off my "Hilary Duff" as Ben would say and do something.

See, my life is full of unfinished good deeds. Thoughts that never transformed into a good deed and just went unattended. Here are 3 that haunt me.

1. Two years ago there was a little boy who was buying some comic book stickers in front of me while I was in line at Target. It was rather adorable he counted out his change and proudly waited to hear the amount as the lady scanned the purchase. He must have been about seven-years-old. Unfortunately the stickers were about 50 cents more than what he could afford. He dropped his head and simply slid the stickers back toward the cashier and said "Oh I am sorry I don't have enough, Thank you." And walked away towards the exit. I feel so guilty for not having bought the poor kid those stickers. I didn't even know him but to think of how it would have lit up his world makes me bite the inside of my cheek with regret.

2. A few weeks ago I got off work later than I had anticipated and rushed over to the Verizon store in order to get my brother a new phone. I strolled in there at about 7:45 pm and I was certain they closed at 9pm since they were located in a rather busy area. So I took my sweet ass time asking questions and pondering what a good phone would be and since you get caught up in these mental decisions you lose track of whats going on around you. When I came to, I noticed I was the only one left in the store and that one of the employees was starting to close the drawers. Shit. What time do you guys close? 8:00pm he answered. It was 8:20. I felt instant guilt because I used to work retail and it is the worst feeling in a world when after a long day of working some A-hole customer walks in 5 mins before closing only to take their sweet as time and theres not a damn thing you can do about it (except smile and hurl mental curse words their way through your clenched teeth). I quickly apologized and hurried. One of the reasons I also didn't notice what was going is because the Verizon employee wasn't at all rude to me, I heard no tones of urgence, not one loud sigh, no dirty looks. He just went on as if the store closed at midnight. When I left I thought to myself, I should write the head of the manager of this Verizon store a letter letting him know that I had recieved excellent customer service from a dude named Nic. But then I didn't do shit.

3. I was cutting through the grass with my friend Crystal on one of our routine walks through Lake Elizabeth in Fremont, CA when I found a dog tag. It was a blue bone-shaped tag with the name JoJo on it. I put this tag in an envelope addressed to the location on the tag and even wrote a lil' note in there saying "Found your dog tag! Thought you might need it : )." That envelope is still in my purse.

See aren't I just full of good intentions??? But I guess you would never know it huh.

Well those days are over.

Starting this Monday December 7th, 2009, I am going to start participating in the game and stop sitting on the sidelines.

GO ME.