When the fear consumes you.

I've been saying it for months already. In a huff, out of irritation, out of nowhere. I NEED A NEW DAMN JOB. I'll write a resume later I told myself. I would make excuses. Oh I can't apply anywhere right now my schedule is too weird. Oh I'll write my resume after this set of midterms, oh i'll write them after these darn finals, oh I'll write it as soon as I get back from vacation...Catching my drift?

So finally tonight, the voice in my head said, "Hey you could write your resume right now?" and then I thought "Hmmm I am behind on two Gossip Girl episodes."

Wow. Yes really.

But today I FINALLY wrote my resume. Its not the best thing ever but hey, its something. (If anyone reading this post is a bad ass resume reviewer, email me asap!)

I wrote up my resume and sent it out to a marketing internship position that opened up in San Francisco. Gosh I am all nerves. What if they actually call me back??? What if they want an interview?!?

The thought of drastic change is scary but it has to be done.

I have been at my job for 2.5 years now. I've mastered it. Its boring to me. While I love the interaction with the patients the job doesn't relate strongly to my major. Not to mention its killing my back and shoulders with all of the lifting, crouching, and bending I have to do. Oh and I have tired of the uniform! I feel that in this day and age, in this economy that is slowly rising back to its feet, you have to be ahead of the curve. If I develop some real life skills that are applicable to my career field I feel I will have an advantage.

I am ready for a change. I have problems with my confidence. Problems with believing in my self, and problems with valuing my set of skills at a job.

But I am excited. I think an internship in San Francisco would be a blast! BARTing it to the city and getting the big city experience.

Its funny because I feel Herman's death, while tragic, was the kick in the ass that I needed. It made me feel like really, we don't know what the fuck is going to happen and why wait until tomorrow, or in my case months, to do what you can do today?

Wish me luck folks!

(Me and my Lovey Bear this past Sunday.)

The Aftermath of an Unexpected Death

The aftermath of an unforeseen death is strange. The events that follow are torture on the soul as the brain struggles to absorb the sudden news. Your brain is stuck in the old routine but the heart knows whats happened.

Today when I woke up my heart still felt like it was in my stomach. "He's dead" I kept telling myself. And this time it penetrated me deeper. It hurt so bad. The bond I felt with Herman was a strong one. I know some people think its strange to love an animal so much.

I got up early to review for a midterm I had today. As I walked up to the parking lot to my car my eyes darted towards Herman's usual spots. The ledge infront of the cars where he would be perched. But upon seeing me he would jump down and dash towards me. My heart ached in a wrath of sadness because I knew he wasn't going to pop out of any of his usual spots.

I got to school and sat in my car. I can't remember what songs were on the radio or the names of them but they had a sad tune to them. I turned the radio up loud and looked out the side window of my car. The day was gloomy like it has been on and off lately. The sky was white with shades of gray but not a cloud in sight. The trees swayed in the medium speed wind. And then the tears started flowing and once they started I couldn't stop. The music made me feel his loss stronger and there I just felt the grasp of the unfairness of the world.

Herman and his mannerisms were hilarious. He always put a smile on my face. The events leading up to his death were a perfect storm. A perfect scenario of random occurences that were dismissed with quick answers. Like when I saw him last wednesday and thursday and he wouldn't come up to me like he normally did because he was basking in the sun. I figured it was because he was just happy the sun had finally come out to shine on him so I let him be. Or on thursday night when I picked him up and instead of feeling like his normal, tight muscled self he felt a little softer but not completely limp. Why didn't I feel a sense of urgency? Why was it just a sense of strong worry and concern but not urgency? And when he stayed in all night Thursday, and all day Friday why couldn't I have known that this long sleep in was because he was dying? That it wasn't one of those times that he randomly just decided to be lazy all day but that he was sick. I keep on wondering if the events leading up to his untimely death could have prevented it had they been acted upon quickly. But the truth is, despite having the staples in our routine there are parts of Herman that were quite random at times  so his behavior was never completely consistent. But still, I can't help but wonder how he died. Was it of natural causes? Was it antifreeze poison like the veterinarian suspected? Did someone poison him? Please God, I want to know. But at the same time I don't.

Benny told me he cried in the morning too. Ben and Herman had their morning routine. Benny would be cooking his usual eggs and toast for breakfast and Herman would get up to meet him in the kitchen. There Herman would eat a bit and then sit by the door waiting to go out on his usual daily adventures. Benny would always say, "You ready to go outside Herm Boy?" And Herman would just perk up an stand up.

After my midterm en route to Target the tears came out again. I just laughed with hot tears and thought to myself  "Gosh over a darn cat!" I was trying to lessen the feelings but I couldn't. I pulled into the parking lot at home and felt frusterated that my brain kept playing tricks on me. That I kept on waiting to see him in his usual spots or have him surprise me when he darted out of seemingly no where. And when I was sitting at Ben's desk I heard some rustling outside and immediately thought Herman was outside waiting to be let in. Oh the brain and its memory. Its torture. I just can't believe he's gone.

A week ago he was fine. I hate that life can be so shitty sometimes. I want to just rewind time so I could redo everything differently.

This should be my last post about Herman for a while. I felt like I got what I need to off my chest.

Thanks for reading this though. Even if it does resemble yesterdays post.

I love you Herman. I hope that if there is a heaven you are there eating grass and flowers. And that there are comfy cat beds for you to sleep in and that best of all, its Moomie free!

We miss you here on earth.

Love always,

Ben and Ferni

One of The Worst Days Ever

Today started off weird. And my gut feeling told me that it was only going to get weirder. As I was getting ready for school in the morning Benny's mom (who is visiting us right now) came into the house in a huff. Sweaty, out of breath, and short on patience.

"The car broke down, its dead, it won't start."

Me: "huhhhh??"

(See Benny's mom dropped him off at school so she could drive her beloved Buck The Truck.)

Me: Why are you sweaty?

"I walked up the damn hill! Have you ever walked up that hill? It took me forever"

Me: "Wheres the car?"

"At the thrift store"

Me: "Well did you unlock the alarm first before trying to start the car?"

(See, Ben's mom owned the car for seven years before giving it to her soooo I kinda figured she would remember that you have to unlock the alarm before starting the car."

"No."

Problem solved! I was irritated and amused.  The feeling of irritation wanted to take over because I had to drive her back down and I was already running on a tight schedule. But I left the feelings of amusement win because it was just too damn hilarious that she had to climb up a hill for no reason at all really.

I went to school and during a break ran back home just to pick up an item I had to return. It was 2:45 and I asked Ben's mom, When do you have to pick up Benny? "2:45" she says. " Oh I gotta go!" So I leave and she leaves and the stove is left on. Intuition tells me to turn off the stove because there is a chance she might not come back in time. But I told myself to fight off my doubts because how rude of me to have such little faith in her that I just assume she will get lost and take forever to get back home.

Well, I should have listened to my intuition.

As soon as I pull into the parking lot at work I get a call from Benny telling me he is still at school, unpicked up by his mother who is now an hour late. Shit. Shit. Shit. Is all I can think. The stove is on.

So I call my neighbor and try to devise a plan for him to break into my house so he could turn off the stove. He is always so helpful and I always can call on him in a pinch. But then he says....

" I have some really, really, really, bad news for you."

In my head I thought: (They lost the baby, they lost the baby, they lost the baby.)

See, my neighbor has been trying to get pregnant for forever. With polycystic ovarian syndrome, an irregular period, and a blocked tube, her getting pregnant was really a miracle of sorts.

I braced myself to say "Oh my gosh I am so sorry."

"Rocky died this morning."

I felt my heart fall to my feet and I wanted to burst into a flurry of tears but I couldn't. I wanted to know my house wasn't going to burn down. I wanted to just start the car and turn back home. But I couldn't. And it was one of the most frusterating feelings ever.

Rocky is Herman. The cat that basically has lived in our home for a year. He was only five-years-old. The past few days he had been acting out of character. Slow and lethargic and sleeping heavily. My intuition told me something was terribly wrong but I looked to Ben for any affirmation that my concerns were just being exaggerated. He told me he probably just was sick of had allergies and that he would be better soon. It wasn't out of the norm for Herman to sometimes get into cat fights and be tired so I thought maybe I was being a worry wart.

He stayed in our house and slept all day thursday night and all day friday. Saturday morning Ben let him out and his owners despite noticing he had been acting strange since Wednesday did not take him to the vet until this morning. There, his temperature was 97. something when I guess a cats temperature is supposed to be 106. something. And there as they were plugging him into iv's to rehydrate him he took his last little breath.

My heart sank all over again as I pulled into the parking lot. No Herman to excitedly run and greet my as soon as he heard the roar of my car. No more rubbing up against my legs as we walk down the steps together. No more hilarious sleep positions to laugh at.

Lately, I'd been prematurely missing Herman so much. I thought of what it would be like the day me and Ben are done with school and have to move out of these apartments. How could I just look at his little face and know that it would be the last time I ever saw him. How could I just drive off and let him sit on the front porch of an empty apartment waiting to be let in and loved. I wished that his owners would take him away and that I would never have to say good bye. But never would I have thought that the last time I would see him would be yesterday. When I was on route to the store before getting into my car I petted him on his bottom and he tippied his toes and pointed his tail skywards.

Life is full of surprises and unfortunately it isn't always good ones.

& to conclude...

Benny's mom did end up getting lost but she went back home to turn off the stove and then figured out how to get to Ben's school.

& the neighbors did lose their baby.

(Herman on April 17th, 2010)

(Me and Herman at 1:30 in the morning on Saturday. I had no idea I was holding a cat that was dying)

I am EXCITED!

I officially have a laptop! I got it today and I am so excited. A bit tired from studying but excited none the less. I look forward to multi-tasking with out my screen freezing. Yay! Anywho. Got two tests coming up and Ben's mom is coming into town on Saturday so I am going to be one busy bee. I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend : )

Why, Hello.

Me and the Freef

Spring is here. I know it because when I went for a walk everything was looking like this:

(forgive the poor quality, cell phone pic)

I went for a walk on Sunday. A walk I soon regretted as it was the first day of my lady flow and going for a long walk had to be about the dumbest idea ever. I walked slow and painfully. Too many blocks away f rom my Midol and enduring the bitchiest menstrual cramps. I empathized with old people who are in so much pain they can't bear to move swiftly. Damn. That is my far future. I couldn't bear to walk any further so instead I turned around and went to the thrifty. Oh that only made matters worse. The thrifty was hot and humid and full of hustle and bustle. I began whispering a prayer to the big man upstairs, "Big J, please don't let me faint here in the thrifty." And he answered! But he did test me. Because in the stale, muggy, air near the blazers and vests as I was trying to maintain my composure someone decided to rip the smelliest poof ever. How wonderful of them to share their own signature scent with me.

I was sweating and I could hear my heart beating in my head. Oh but the joys of shopping seemed to create some sort of equillibrium to stabilize me. I left with a few goodies and walked down to my street. But see my street leads up a high, steep hill. I contemplated calling Ben to my rescue because how sad would it be to faint down a hill? Very sad. But alas, the little voice inside my head said "You can do this!" And the hill that under normal bodily circumstances only takes me six minutes to breeze through took me a snail paced twenty minutes! But the point is, I did it!

Then I came home and took my drugs. And once they kicked in I made some Mongolian Beef. And it was deeeeeelicious.

How was your weekend?

Defeat.

Today I had a moment with the part of my brain that rationalizes impulsive decisions. It was a battle...

As of late I have been browsing through many photography and fashion blogs. Oh and they have left me inspired. It reminded me of how much I have longed to get to know more about photography and how to take stellar pictures.

As of now I have a Canon SD750. Its a digital point and shoot. Definitely not a professional camera.

So today I decided to go to the Best Buy to juuuuuust take a looksie at the cameras. Oh and the Best Buy employee had me sold on the Nikon D3000.

This little puppy right here...

I wanted him like I always want the puppies and kittens in the pet stores except times ten.

I held him and took pictures of random strangers at Best Buy. Oh and for 679.00 he came with two other lenses and a bag! Oh but thats waaaaaay too much money for little me. So I went and applied for a Best Buy credit card. I won't get approved and that would be the end of that I thought to myself. Oh but I got approved! For a measely $500 but still, its an approval of sorts.

I was so tempted to adopt little Nikon. (thats what I named it) But I thought I best go home and do me research to really make sure this is a steal. Sure enough it was! Nothing online is matching Best Buy's deal right now.

So I decided to wait for Benny to get home so we  could go to Best Buy and I could show him little Nikon.

Well...

Lets just say bully Benny had a fit about me wanting little Nikon. He said it had to go down as one of the "dumbest ideas ever." (how rude!)

I was so sad. But this is true.

I need to get a computer first before anything else.

 Oh but I will have me a little Nikon! Just you wait and see!

HMPH!

(maybe by my birthday? August 1st?hmm?)

Sigh.

I am going to admit something that is difficult for me. It shouldn't be but yet it is.

I am going to go see a therapist.

I know that lots of people see therapists. But I always felt like therapists were designated towards people when shit really hit the fan in their lives. Just when they were about to enter the point of no return someone said "You need to see a therapist!"

But lately I have been feeling the emotional instability symptoms.

My bad habits due to lack of discipline and confidence sometimes seep their way into my life when all I want is for all to go well but yet I sabotage it.

One of these main factors being school. School just started about two weeks ago and I am taking 5 classes. And I've already missed 1 class in each of those courses for no apparent reason other than I just didn't want to get up. The sense of urgency that should be instilled within me just went "meh." But I have been getting the "meh's" a lot lately. Last quarter I showed up to my physio psychology class a grand total of I'd say 5 times out of say 20 something classes? I showed up the first day of school, for the test dates, and some other day just for good measure. And my attendance in my other classes wasn't very stellar either. I told myself that the reason I missed so many classes is because those were just electives irrelevant to my major. Why waste my time right?

Well old habits are hard to kill and I hate to feel like I lack control. I hate the instability I've been feeling. The sudden change of emotions. The coldness. The distance. The indifference. The feeling of sometimes being able to pay attention and other times thoughts are racing in my head a mile a minute and my heart rate quickens and I have no idea why.

I hate that when I wake up in the morning I can't find a reason to want to get out of bed. No motivation towards anything. I hate that I don't feel like talking to anyone really.

I hate that one minute while externally you may not be able to see it in my face inside I am crying and the next minute I am angry and the next...

I have never felt this way before but its been this way more often than seldom as of late.

I ask myself what could be the problem...

Are our apartments infected with mold?

Is it the inconsistent weather and lack of sunshine?


I want answers.

And I hope to find them.

A Week in Review

This picture has nothing to do with the story but...whatever.

This past week flew by. It was eventful and I really did not find a moment where I could clear mindedly sit down and just type. Just gab. Just blah blah blah on here like I always do.

It was one of those weeks that something is happening everyday. Last Monday I posted! Yay.

Then Tuesday I had a class that ran till 9:30 pm so needless to say by the time I got home, ate, unwinded and all that jazz I was pooped. Poooooooped. I don't think I really like that word.

Then Wednesday I worked till late and I think I wanted to post but was waiting for the Benster to go to bed so I could  weeelax and write away but then he didn't go to bed in time so then I got too sleepy to write.

And then on Thursday we found out Ben's 15-year-old Chow Chow's face had swollen up twice its size. The vet said its cancer of the lymph nodes. It was a very, very sad night.

Then Friday Ben decided to book a flight for the same day to go say good bye to his doggie dog because he loves her so much. So I took him to the airport and my heart ached for him. The sky was sad too. Gray and teary.

Then I went to work and then Fri, Sat, and Sun were spent at Crystal's house.

I got to spend time with her very hormonal teenage daughter. Parts of that were amusing and irritating all at the same time. I don't know what was more amusing her daughter's pitchy whining or my friend's ridiculous threats that she doesn't follow through with. I can't decide.

Oh and then her husband was in town (he's in the army). He's ......unique.

Saturday we were supposed to go to San Francisco to go shopping. Oh but not before we stop by Nikon's (the friend's hubs)  "comic book thingy" or "comic book store" as Crystal kept saying. Oh no biggie me and her moody teenage daughter thought. Just stop by the ol' comic book shop then we get to do the fun stuff. We get to Frisco (only us locals can call it Frisco by the way) and it turns out we aren't going to a comic book store. We are going to Wondercon.

What is Wondercon you ask??? Well it is a once a year convention held in San Fran where comic book venders from far and wide come to sell their comics. Do you know how much these comics cost??? Its ridiculous. The air reeked of perspiration from nerdy overexcited geekacons. We were compressed,  bumping shoulder to shoulder with people dressed up as comic book charactors and other weirdos.  And pretty soon I turned into a hormonal teenager. Angry and whiney.

When I was out of Nikon's ear shot things went a little like this: "Ohhhhhh we're just going to stop by Nikon's comic book thingy" I mocked in a high pitched voice. I gave Crystal the glare. She had tricked us into coming because had me and her moody baby known what we were in for we would have stayed home and she would have had to come with her hubs all alone. If there is one thing I hate is being dupped. So for 2.5 hours me and her daughter made ugly faces at strangers and whispered mean nothings about all the nerds there.

 And then. We didn't get to go shopping. It was tragic.

Then Saturday night we went to a bar. That was fun. But once again I realized why I should stick to beer instead of mixed drinks. I don't know how to gage mixed drinks. And mixed drinks turn me into an embarrassing mess. The details of saturday night need not  be said okaaaay?

But its good to be back in the blogosphere. I missed you lovelies!