The aftermath of an unforeseen death is strange. The events that follow are torture on the soul as the brain struggles to absorb the sudden news. Your brain is stuck in the old routine but the heart knows whats happened.
Today when I woke up my heart still felt like it was in my stomach. "He's dead" I kept telling myself. And this time it penetrated me deeper. It hurt so bad. The bond I felt with Herman was a strong one. I know some people think its strange to love an animal so much.
I got up early to review for a midterm I had today. As I walked up to the parking lot to my car my eyes darted towards Herman's usual spots. The ledge infront of the cars where he would be perched. But upon seeing me he would jump down and dash towards me. My heart ached in a wrath of sadness because I knew he wasn't going to pop out of any of his usual spots.
I got to school and sat in my car. I can't remember what songs were on the radio or the names of them but they had a sad tune to them. I turned the radio up loud and looked out the side window of my car. The day was gloomy like it has been on and off lately. The sky was white with shades of gray but not a cloud in sight. The trees swayed in the medium speed wind. And then the tears started flowing and once they started I couldn't stop. The music made me feel his loss stronger and there I just felt the grasp of the unfairness of the world.
Herman and his mannerisms were hilarious. He always put a smile on my face. The events leading up to his death were a perfect storm. A perfect scenario of random occurences that were dismissed with quick answers. Like when I saw him last wednesday and thursday and he wouldn't come up to me like he normally did because he was basking in the sun. I figured it was because he was just happy the sun had finally come out to shine on him so I let him be. Or on thursday night when I picked him up and instead of feeling like his normal, tight muscled self he felt a little softer but not completely limp. Why didn't I feel a sense of urgency? Why was it just a sense of strong worry and concern but not urgency? And when he stayed in all night Thursday, and all day Friday why couldn't I have known that this long sleep in was because he was dying? That it wasn't one of those times that he randomly just decided to be lazy all day but that he was sick. I keep on wondering if the events leading up to his untimely death could have prevented it had they been acted upon quickly. But the truth is, despite having the staples in our routine there are parts of Herman that were quite random at times so his behavior was never completely consistent. But still, I can't help but wonder how he died. Was it of natural causes? Was it antifreeze poison like the veterinarian suspected? Did someone poison him? Please God, I want to know. But at the same time I don't.
Benny told me he cried in the morning too. Ben and Herman had their morning routine. Benny would be cooking his usual eggs and toast for breakfast and Herman would get up to meet him in the kitchen. There Herman would eat a bit and then sit by the door waiting to go out on his usual daily adventures. Benny would always say, "You ready to go outside Herm Boy?" And Herman would just perk up an stand up.
After my midterm en route to Target the tears came out again. I just laughed with hot tears and thought to myself "Gosh over a darn cat!" I was trying to lessen the feelings but I couldn't. I pulled into the parking lot at home and felt frusterated that my brain kept playing tricks on me. That I kept on waiting to see him in his usual spots or have him surprise me when he darted out of seemingly no where. And when I was sitting at Ben's desk I heard some rustling outside and immediately thought Herman was outside waiting to be let in. Oh the brain and its memory. Its torture. I just can't believe he's gone.
A week ago he was fine. I hate that life can be so shitty sometimes. I want to just rewind time so I could redo everything differently.
This should be my last post about Herman for a while. I felt like I got what I need to off my chest.
Thanks for reading this though. Even if it does resemble yesterdays post.
I love you Herman. I hope that if there is a heaven you are there eating grass and flowers. And that there are comfy cat beds for you to sleep in and that best of all, its Moomie free!
We miss you here on earth.
Ben and Ferni