Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I am going to admit something that is difficult for me. It shouldn't be but yet it is.
I am going to go see a therapist.
I know that lots of people see therapists. But I always felt like therapists were designated towards people when shit really hit the fan in their lives. Just when they were about to enter the point of no return someone said "You need to see a therapist!"
But lately I have been feeling the emotional instability symptoms.
My bad habits due to lack of discipline and confidence sometimes seep their way into my life when all I want is for all to go well but yet I sabotage it.
One of these main factors being school. School just started about two weeks ago and I am taking 5 classes. And I've already missed 1 class in each of those courses for no apparent reason other than I just didn't want to get up. The sense of urgency that should be instilled within me just went "meh." But I have been getting the "meh's" a lot lately. Last quarter I showed up to my physio psychology class a grand total of I'd say 5 times out of say 20 something classes? I showed up the first day of school, for the test dates, and some other day just for good measure. And my attendance in my other classes wasn't very stellar either. I told myself that the reason I missed so many classes is because those were just electives irrelevant to my major. Why waste my time right?
Well old habits are hard to kill and I hate to feel like I lack control. I hate the instability I've been feeling. The sudden change of emotions. The coldness. The distance. The indifference. The feeling of sometimes being able to pay attention and other times thoughts are racing in my head a mile a minute and my heart rate quickens and I have no idea why.
I hate that when I wake up in the morning I can't find a reason to want to get out of bed. No motivation towards anything. I hate that I don't feel like talking to anyone really.
I hate that one minute while externally you may not be able to see it in my face inside I am crying and the next minute I am angry and the next...
I have never felt this way before but its been this way more often than seldom as of late.
I ask myself what could be the problem...
Are our apartments infected with mold?
Is it the inconsistent weather and lack of sunshine?
I want answers.
And I hope to find them.