This is where my life happens. Welcome!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Finding Me

Today I'd been wanting to do something I'd never done since moving up to California. I wanted to get in my car, and just drive. Just drive to a destination of peace. I drove over the San Mateo Bridge and to Half Moon Bay.

I walked down this path.
the path

Sat in this bench.

And looked at this.

I contemplated and analyzed my current point in life.

I don't know whats been wrong with my lately. In the mornings I don't want to get up. I can't think of one thing that makes me want to jump up and seize the day. My senses lack invigoration. I feel subdued, mundane, and bored. Numb. I've never felt this way before for this long.

And all I could do was really pray. Pray for answers. Pray to be at peace with pending decisions. I prayed for the burden of sadness to go away. I prayed for the pain to go away. I prayed for clarity.

I took an online emotional wellness test administered by the school. The results? Depression.

I am scared.


  1. I've been where you are lately myself. The can't drag myself out of bed feelings and can't explain why neccessarily.

    I would ask my mother what to do, because when all else fails you always go to your mom, and she being raised Catholic referred to SAints and prayer.

    Now myself, not exactly being of a religious state, picked one Saint, Saint Jude, the Patron Saint of Lost Causes and I would speak to him daily.

    And things turned around.

    The boyfriend and I got back together.

    I got a new job.

    I started seeing a counselor and my sanity is slowly but surely starting to rebuild itself.

    I have hope for you love. I have hope for me now too.

  2. I can identify a little. Of course things are different for everyone, but I have felt some of what you're feeling. I don't have faith in anything 'greater' than me, so that's not something I have to lean on. I definitely recommend a counselor, which is something I think we all need (depressed, anxious, grief-ridden or not).

    Take one day at a time and find someone to lean on. Even if it's just one person. Find someone you can tell all these feelings.

    I'm thinking of you...

  3. I think we all go through periods of depression and if it gets severe I think you should get some professional help. I know it's easier said than done but try to think of all the good things in your life. I hope you find your sunshine again soon. Take care and be good to yourself.