This is where my life happens. Welcome!

Friday, October 23, 2009

I have a MAJOR dilema here.

I am limbo right now. I have a major problem that is affecting my self esteem as well as my fashion possibilities. It really should make CNN headlines and news crews should be gathered at my door. Paparazzi should be following my every move and attempt to interview me as I do mundane tasks such as pump gas and eat Taco Bell. Unidentified sources should be leaking my secrets. Perezhilton should be ridculing me somewhere and drawing male appendage on my picture. Okay enough with the dramatics already, you get the picture. I am just poking fun at all the CRAP that makes headlines these days. It's like as soon as Octo-Mom starts simmer down, we bring in the train wreck that is Jon and Kate + 8. Never seen the show, don't care to. And currently it is balloon boy and his Dad's PATHETIC attempt (yet unfortunately successful) to garner the attention of people worldwide. What is wrong with people? And why is it so hard to turn away? Why can't we just say okay they're losers, lets move on.

No but seriously, lets move onto what I really came on here to rant about. Okay so ready for my problem??? Here goes...

I am  too fat for my skinny jeans but too skinny for my fat jeans. *Gasp* I know right!?

So literally I am in limbo. I have about 6 pairs of jeans that I am finally able to get up past my bum but that still won't close. Actually there are a few that I could force into closing but only if I were going for the dreaded muffin top effect. The fat jeans that I finally had to break down and buy last December when NONE of my jeans were fitting right are now too loose and making me look as if I soiled myself and just let it hang out in there. That's how soggy-bottomed looking they are. Right now I have ONE pair of jeans that fit  just right. They lift and accentuate my bum and are comfortable at the waist. But I am stubborn and refuse to go out and purchase more jeans that would fit me at this weight because I refuse to stay at this weight!

I've lost and gained weight on and off for as long as I could remember. It would fluctuate somewhere between 1-10lbs. But this time around I gained A LOT more in a short span of time. Late 2007 was stressful for me and I had definitely started to nourish my worries with food. I was planning on moving up to California with the bf and I think we both were very anxious about it. I probably gained about 12 lbs around this time.

2008 was even more stressful than 2007. It was difficult being in a new place

2008 I didn't lose the weight I had gained. In fact in early 2008 I wasn't really even that aware that I had gained that much weight, I just thought that the dryers in my apartment complex were different than the ones at my house. TOTAL DENIAL. I was adjusting and it wasn't easy for me. I would eagerly look forward to going back to Arizona to visit my family and friends but at the same time dread it. My family would comment on the weight gain and would always say something like "Oh don't worry you'll lose it, you always do." But then about every 6 months when they would see me I clearly hadn't lost it but usually came back having packed on a pound or two, or three. I told myself of course I can do it, but right now for some reason I don't WANT to do it but when I want to I will be able to do it, just like old times. But you know what it wasn't easy! Somehow I had lost that firm discipline and determination I had always mustered up in years past. I gained about 8 lbs that year.

So 2009 came and I STILL hadn't lost the weight I had wanted to in 2008. I wasn't stress eating nearly as much as I had been in 07' & 08'. But I didn't really have a plan of action either. So up until May of 2009 I gained another 5 lbs I'd say. And finally at the end of May something in me just clicked. In the morning when you are supposed to be at your lightest I weighed myself and the digital scale read 159. I was going back to Arizona for my brothers high school graduation still cheeky-faced and soft.

I am sick of this shit I said to myself. Enough of this crap what the fuck is wrong with you are you that pathetic and weak minded with your self control and discipline? What are you slowly going to climb your way up to 170 and then 180....and then what? You're 22, these are your young years where you are supposed to be a hot bitch. I really gave myself a verbal lashing.  But a realistic one. I told my self this is the LAST time you go back to Arizona being a fatty. Let this  be the last time your Mom doesn't see that once again haven't lost the weight you intended to. And stop with the bullshit of I have to lose ten pounds in one month or something is wrong with me and I am damned to stay fat forever. No! STOP being unrealistic it doesn't matter how fast or slow you are losing the weight as long as you are making progress. So I told myself I was going to lose weight but not set deadlines.

So I stuck to my guns and set a goal. I said to myself don't put a lot of pressure on yourself and stay focused. My goal was to at least look noticibly thinner to my mom when she came to visit me in early September of this year. So I had June, July, and August to make progress. Well folks I am proud to tell you that I made 15 lbs of progress. A round of applause please! When my mom came she said "Hey, you've lost weight, your face looks thinner." I BEAMED. I smiled. THANK YOU! My mom see's I do still have the discipline and determination I always had!  Now I hope you don't think my mom is some weight obsessed anorexic witch who criticizes her daughter for the fun of it. No, she would notice I would get kinda down about it so she would maybe mention it once, at most twice.  Not in a mean way, but in a I just want you to feel good about yourself kind of way.

So currently I have been sitting still at 144 but haven't made much progress because I fell off the exercising regularly wagon but stayed on the eating right wagon. So I've simply maintained. But now it's  time to lose! And while I am not setting a set amount of weight to lose I am setting the goal making the numbers on the scale go down by December 23rd, 2009. Yes folks, that is when I go back to Arizona for judgement day.

It is mighty embarassing telling you about how I got tubby and it certainly isn't my proudest moment but screw it. I am holding myself accountable by posting this. I know not even that many people read this blog right now but still I am putting it out there and mark my words.

 Here is my statement released by my publicist:

"On December 23rd, 2009 on the website there will be a post announcing the weight loss progress and  success of the determined author. Admission is free."

So there it is for you, in blood. Well ok not blood but close enough.

So now I shall depart and leave you with these photos from when I fit into ALL of my skinny jeans.

Me in April of 2006. Not the
tightest tummy in town but
certainly better than now.

My friend Rachel and I. This was
in June 2006.  

New shorts! This was in June 2006.

At one of my physical peaks. I was running
a lot here. As well as doing weights.

This isn't a clear picture
but this was when my bum
was great shape. I was squatting
around 100 lbs and doing
deadlifts. Everyone was
commenting on how
voluptuous my new tight
and toned tush was!


  1. I found your blog through Jen! OMG, I can almost identify with you except that you are much more gorgeous-er(yes, I used that word) than I! I moved to CA to be with the boy except I am hating every minute of it! I know theres worse than being a fat Californian but sometimes, it doesnt seem like it!

    Anyways, the pics are great! Oh and I could go on and on for days about the "soil" look but its late and Im tired and cranky LOL

  2. jen was right, you do have a great blog! i also want to lose weight... must be disciplined! what is your exercise regime now? good job on losing the 15lbs!

  3. Monica: Thank you for inventing a word just for me ;P I moved out here to be with a boy and sometimes I hate every minute of it and others its great but it definitely has been a rollercoaster thats for sure! Glad you like my blog lil' lady : )

    Lee: Glad you like my blog! I will be putting a post up as to how I lost 15 lbs soon : ).