Finding Me

Today I'd been wanting to do something I'd never done since moving up to California. I wanted to get in my car, and just drive. Just drive to a destination of peace. I drove over the San Mateo Bridge and to Half Moon Bay.

I walked down this path.

Sat in this bench.

And looked at this.

I contemplated and analyzed my current point in life.

I don't know whats been wrong with my lately. In the mornings I don't want to get up. I can't think of one thing that makes me want to jump up and seize the day. My senses lack invigoration. I feel subdued, mundane, and bored. Numb. I've never felt this way before for this long.

And all I could do was really pray. Pray for answers. Pray to be at peace with pending decisions. I prayed for the burden of sadness to go away. I prayed for the pain to go away. I prayed for clarity.

I took an online emotional wellness test administered by the school. The results? Depression.

I am scared.

Quarter Life Crisis

A lot has happened in the past month. Too much for my little brain to be able to eloquently put into words.

I got to see my Dad during my break. That was wonderful but at the same time I am wondering why he didn't really want to come stay with me at my place and instead stayed with his sister the whole time. That kind of sucked.

I saw my grand father die on the fourth of July.

We are taking care of a Chihuahua our neighbors found. I feel I am getting a taste of mother hood here. Just a taste.

I found a kitten with a busted leg. Took it to a rescue place.

Its the 5th week of school and I am so behind because all of this happened sequentially.

But I don't want to talk about any of that stuff.Not at this moment anyways.

See, I am less than two weeks shy of turning 24. 24. YES...24. It feels so strange. I told my mother today that I feel as if I am going through a quarter life crisis. She told me she felt the same way at about 20-21 years of age but largely due to the fact that she had me at 17.

I can't really explain the feeling. Its not a thought that keeps recurring over and over in my head. Its just a feeling of unaccomplishment and unfulfilledness. Like a hollowness. As if their is a void. As life gets more and more different every year. Less fun. You see your friends less. Now I see my family less. I feel a bit of detachment. Some where I am stuck in the middle on my way to adulthood but not too fargone from childhood.

I know I am not alone in this boat. As I've chuckled a few times as I've seen other fellow Facebook friends from high school post about feelings running in the same vein.

I had put my laptop away when I recieved a text from my dear friend Ana. Mind you, it was 12:45am.

Ana: "Hi Friend...U Sleeping?"
Me: "No lol still a night owl"
Ana: "Me too. I couldn't sleep so I'm driving around.:) I just drove past ur old houseand both of our old schools...time goes by too f-ing fast! : ( I am freaking out. I'm having a breakdown too! I feel like I'm not doing enough for all the time that's passing!"

I can see she too has the same feeling of unfulfilledness and unaccomplishment. I wonder if its a biological timer that goes off in our brain. Ding, ding, ding! Time to feel sorry for yourself! You are getting "old"

When in all reality we are not old and that is not the main complaint here at all. But this feeling is hard to kick and I've been giving myself mini pep talks that sometimes help and other times don't.

Growing up is hard to do!
.

I have a wrinkle

The years of my twenties are rather strange. As things in life that have never occurred before are suddenly happening unexpectedly and uninvitedly. For instance, while it feels it was just yesterday I was being asked what college I was going to go to, or what my young 18-year-old self wanted to be I find myself now  being asked more adult like questions. As a soon to be 24-year-old people now inquire as to when I will have children, when I will get married... this is all so baffling to me as I feel no where near ready to title myself as a mother or a wife.

Today as my narcissistic self has done for many years I was indulging in art of outstretching my arm and taking a picture of me and the person next to me while the family and I paraded about San Francisco. Except today as I reviewed the photos and saw this...

I have some wrinklies under my right eye. Where, how, and when did these wrinkies get here I asked my puzzled self? Is it the soap I am using?!? The Bare Minerals??!? Am I aging prematurely for my age? Did I do my make up weird today?

No self, its just time. With time comes aging duh.

But it all feels so soon! These wrinklies weren't there two years ago and is it quite possible wrinkles just sprout to noticible maturity overnight!?!

It does not help that I have the most baby faced boyfriend ever. Ben has a face that is shaped in favor of looking younger, his skin is plump with collagen, and he is practically hairless. People always guess he is waaaaay younger than what he is. Today as my family probed him for his age one unrelated, friend of a family member said Ben looked younger than me! I am 24 and Ben is 29. Slap to the face. Upon just discovering my wrinklies on my camera hours earlier this comment was even more bruising to the ego.

My mind and heart still feels young. Which is why I find the wear and tear to be so unsettling.

Really, I am going to get myself some wonderful eyecream. Pronto.

Because I like to make excuses for myself

I like how in my pre-laptop days I was convinced I would most definitely blog more if I ever had a wonderous laptop. Now here I am, about 2 months with a laptop and the post consistency has faired the same.

I've been doing that a lot lately. Thinking I have valid reasons not to do something. For instance, I was convinced I could not study at home because Ben can be so damn chatty and distracting. But now that he has a weekend job and I have the time span from 11-6 all to me and me only, I still can't study. I had to take my incompetent ass to the library.

I have a love hate relationship with this blog I must admit. Sometimes I feel like writing and other times I think I rather peel potatoes.

I have been figuring out a lot of things lately. And I've come to a conclusion. Your twenties are bittersweet. No, seriously.

Sure they are most likely the best looking years of your life if you are into collagen and elasticity (um, yes please!) but, they are also a time of self discovery. And the self discovery thought process goes a little like this..

Am I really happy? Or am I just unhappy because I am too young and dumb to know any better? Am I really mad? Am I overexaggerating? Am I supposed to feel this way? Am I normal? Am I going about this the right way?

And you know some of the pestering questions have been answered but some still remain to unravel as I progressively age.

For instance in my teens I thought one day I would seek a profession where I could help others because gosh, I love helping others. Let me teach, let me guide, let me service!

But then with time I realized that I don't really like helping people a whole lot UNLESS I deem them sufficiently worthy. And lets just say my standards are high. No, no, no...don't judge. This is surely logical.

See for instance I don't help the dingbat from one of my classes who hasn't attended one class because he is just soooo cool by giving him copies of all of my notes. Nope, sorry. Not worthy.

But I do help the elderly and open doors for them and the such.

So there. My logic has been proven.

I guess my point is that the twenties are just all about trial and error. Until you finally get the pattern and realize someday that you are fully aware of exactly how you want to live your life.

If I am lucky that will happen around the time I am forty.

ha ha he he ha ha ho.

I have a pet peeve. Well I have many actually. But this one in particular, well I deduct that many people might be annoyed by it too? Possibly? Lets commence.

FALSE RETIREMENT

Think Jay-Z here. But more closely related think bloggers. Since I've entered the blogosphere I've ran across a few well established blogs run by bloggers who have been doing their thang thang for years. And they sooooo sadly announce. I am retiring! I no longer have the passion to write...Good bye...farewell...Yada yada yada.

Cue the outpouring of sentimental comments from faithful readers and even long time lurkers hit the comment button for the first time just to bid them a thank you and farewell.

And then you know what happens?

The blogger comes back less than a month later, blogging as if nothing has happened.

Does that annoy you too? It really irks the shit fire out of me. I don't know why.

Maybe its the fact that its narcissistic and phony. Preplanned and predictable. I've always disliked people who felt the need to make a dramatic exit.

I mean even Jay-Z gets on my nerves for goodness sake its ridiculous. I remember a few years back they gave him an award, a bunch of big shots came out and said how great he was, they played a montage video of his successes...

And you know how this story turns out if you listen to the radio at all.

I don't like the man anymore because of that reason!

Faking your retirement is almost as bad as faking your death. Really its just pathetic.

Can you tell I am on my period?

Random Musings

I don't even know what the word musings means to be honest. But I know people use it in that context so I am just mimicking per say.

I also have an announcement I am very proud of! I got my first 'F' on a test in my college academic career. This is true. The last time I got an 'F' I was still riding the yellow bus to school. Let us not discuss Freshman year of high school, or lack there of for that matter. Really this big fat 56% should go on the fridge. Its what dreams are made of!

No really, I am not proud of the grade per say but I am happy about one thing. This exam score in upper level economics is just the bitch slap in the face I needed. The one  that said, "Just who the FUCK do you think you are?" Because really, who do I think I am?Flippin Einstein? Effen Socrates? Freakin Bill Gates? This procrastinating business is a thrill, a cheap thrill that usually made me feel like hmm maybe I am smarter than the average folk. Because studyingh 2-3 days or in most cases 1-2 days before an exam was letting me cruise through relatively unscathed. Till now that is.

So your truly has been very unceremoniously brought down to earth. Now I feel like a stupid little earthling. Sad right?

Moving on

I am really happy I got my laptop. Except for the first week I had it I would come home and the boyfriend was on it. Despite there being a perfectly fine desktop and mind you, he has his very own laptop. So after a week of this I decided that we were no longer going to share joint custody of my laptop because, um... its mine! So he was gently surprised when one day when I wasn't home he wanted to have some alone time with it and upon flipping it open the wonderful white space prompted him for a password for him to login. And that was that! I don't feel one bit of guilt for it either.

And thats all for now. Good night.

When the fear consumes you.

I've been saying it for months already. In a huff, out of irritation, out of nowhere. I NEED A NEW DAMN JOB. I'll write a resume later I told myself. I would make excuses. Oh I can't apply anywhere right now my schedule is too weird. Oh I'll write my resume after this set of midterms, oh i'll write them after these darn finals, oh I'll write it as soon as I get back from vacation...Catching my drift?

So finally tonight, the voice in my head said, "Hey you could write your resume right now?" and then I thought "Hmmm I am behind on two Gossip Girl episodes."

Wow. Yes really.

But today I FINALLY wrote my resume. Its not the best thing ever but hey, its something. (If anyone reading this post is a bad ass resume reviewer, email me asap!)

I wrote up my resume and sent it out to a marketing internship position that opened up in San Francisco. Gosh I am all nerves. What if they actually call me back??? What if they want an interview?!?

The thought of drastic change is scary but it has to be done.

I have been at my job for 2.5 years now. I've mastered it. Its boring to me. While I love the interaction with the patients the job doesn't relate strongly to my major. Not to mention its killing my back and shoulders with all of the lifting, crouching, and bending I have to do. Oh and I have tired of the uniform! I feel that in this day and age, in this economy that is slowly rising back to its feet, you have to be ahead of the curve. If I develop some real life skills that are applicable to my career field I feel I will have an advantage.

I am ready for a change. I have problems with my confidence. Problems with believing in my self, and problems with valuing my set of skills at a job.

But I am excited. I think an internship in San Francisco would be a blast! BARTing it to the city and getting the big city experience.

Its funny because I feel Herman's death, while tragic, was the kick in the ass that I needed. It made me feel like really, we don't know what the fuck is going to happen and why wait until tomorrow, or in my case months, to do what you can do today?

Wish me luck folks!

(Me and my Lovey Bear this past Sunday.)