This is where my life happens. Welcome!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


Lately I've been hit with a spell of unforunate happenings that have been beyond my control. I sigh and sigh and sigh because really what can little old me do? I sat and wondered about God. I thought, God either loves testing us and thinks atta human, you got it see! You dusted yourself off and look how you pulled through! Or he's a twisted bastard with a rotten sense of humor and is one hell of a prankster. Maybe a bit of both? Don't get me wrong I believe in the big G-O-D, but sometimes you just want to go WTF man, whats the big idea here? And in return you get nothing but silence and are left to your own precious demise.

So I sit here and wait and watch this weird new path of his unravel and am just trying to make the best of it. I don't want to dwell in the negative because nothing good ever comes of that.

These past few months have not been my favorites, lets start in chronological order...

1. First week of school I got out of my first class earlier than anticipated so I decided to kill sometime and Facebook it. A message in my inbox reads as follows:

       I know you don't approve of mine and your fathers relationship but I just wanted
 to let you know  that soon you will be having a brother or sister. Take care.

Signed, Your Dad's 21-year-old girlfriend who is mind you two, two, TWO! years younger than you and who you've never met.

Massive punch to the heart.

What followed were sleepless nights and waking up with puffy eyes as I said good bye to the man I once admired and who I no longer felt I knew. A faint shadow of the man I grew up knowing. Just like that. Gone. Good-bye. Someone who left 6-years ago and never looked back. This was his final good bye. He gave up.

2. The only place I ever really considered home is up for sale in Tucson, AZ to the tune of 146,000. Its just a house right? It's part of my heart.

3. Mom calls to inform me my cat back in Arizona has been missing. Today its been a week. I feel helpless.

4. Someone hacked into my paypal account. But hey, thats no biggie.

So when life isn't being sewn the way you want it what do you do? Well, I can either sit here and sulk and think about what was, what could have been, and how throw myself a pity party. Or I can take a step back and see the good in my life. 

I chose option 2 after having myself a good hard cry. I put up my facade as best I could because I wanted to be functional and not call attention. But the other night I lost my shit and started crying. Ben didn't know what to do so he just stood in front of me and hugged me as I sat in my chair. I pressed my face into his stomach and cried hot tears and gasped for air inbetween wimpers and sobs. I hate crying like that. It's a mixture of hyperventilating and feeling like you might pass out.

He's never seen me this way. I must have really emanated a great deal of sadness because he started to cry and that boy never cries. In five years I have only seen him cry three times. 1. When his dad was being a major deuch and made him cry. 2. When he thought his 14-year-old dog was going to die from plyometra, and 3. The other night as I burrowed my sad little head into his belly.

But after I had that volcanic emotional release and let go of all of the emotions and memories I tied to everything that I mentioned above (minus the paypal because at that point that was like HAH, thats all you got Geezus?) I felt liberated.

I felt so lucky to be with someone who loves me so much. I felt happy that I was in good health and doing what I could with what I had. I felt grateful for the small stupid things that some see as insignificant like visits from Herman and Sir Scraggles always sleeping on my porch. I realized that bad things do come in three's but wonderful things come by the dozen.

My days have been feeling more like this...

Caught somewhere in the middle but the outlook is bright.

When you are feeling at your weakest, what helps you?


  1. I love love love this post. And yesterday, I cried. I'm having my own little string of thingamabobs, plus I'm a huge anxiety whore, and I've been fighting off some massive panic attack for a couple of weeks now. I've been deep breathing and exercising and yogaing and hot bathing and doing all of those things that normally help me avoid the ugliness.

    And yesterday? While watching an episode of The L Word, laying in my bed all alone in the quiet? I cried. I cried and cried and I even sobbed and choked and did that can't catch my breath thing.

    And it was the best release ever. Today my chest is not all tight and jumpy and weird. My shoulders are not up around my ears. My jaw is not clenched.

    My eyes are swollen as all get out, but I think that's an okay trade off.

    Thanks for sharing. Loved the post.

  2. Crying is cathartic. I cry all the time. And you know what? Life IS hard. It’s not made up of easy roads that go straight ahead. It's windy and bumpy and full of potholes and I feel that no one prepared you for it as a child.

    "Grow up, to school, get a job, done."

    Sounds easy. They don't tell you that you eventually may get laid off, become a single parent, not be able to support your only child and that people who you come into contact with will likely suck at life and try to drag you down with them.

    All you can do is get it all out, and learn from it. I guess that whole cliché about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger may sound cheesy, but it does have a semblance of truth.

    You move on and become better than those who tried to drag you down, so that one day, you can look back, from your Grand Canyon-esque view and know that the winding road you left behind you is far better to look at in hindsight than if you had a direct route.

  3. Apryl, you said it right. Nobody tells you that life is going to get in the way of your plans. My life now looks a million times different than my plan at 25. You just have to go with it. Life is going to hand you all kinds of crappy things. So you have to have to be able to look at it from a different perspective. I wrote a blog about this once....I took all the things I was compaining about and then looked at the bright side and you worked. God doesn't make bad things happen on purpose. I like to think that things just happen and (if this is what you believe) you're supposed to rely on God to get you through it. The light at the end will come, just have to trust that this too shall pass! And the cry I'm sure helped!

  4. I took 20 minutes writing you all these lovely responses and just like that in a flash they were gone! See my wireless mouse has a back button right above where your thumb goes. Good job in the designing department microsoft! But I love you all so much I am going to try and re-write everything I so thoughtfully wrote over again.

    Mommy2Joe: Crying like that is horrible but at the same time so gratifying when it is all said and done. I hope whatever is troubling you in your life soon passes and that you feel much better. As for the puffy eyes, I would just press a cold cloth against them so you don't spend the whole day looking like a gold fish lol.

    Amanda, I agree with what you said. Life is definitely going to get in the way of our plans. I've come to realize life isn't an exact itinerary of what is going to happen but more like a loose outline and along the way we gotta improv and just wing it to the best of our abilities. And as for the big G-O-D, I know when things get hard we just have to put our faith and trust into him but sometimes thats easier said than done. But I know he isn't up there with bad intentions.

    Apryl. I applaud you for being so strong and doing the best with what you have despite your limitations. Your son may be too young to realize it now but when he grows up he is going to see what a bad ass mother you were. Its not easy being alone and being a mom. We women rely so much on the love and support of a man that life just seems incomplete with out one. It's just in our nature to be that way. Stay strong and don't let people suck you down with them. You are too good for that.

    I do feel stronger in the midst of all this shittiness.

  5. I really don't have much to add that hasn't already been said...but I think the MOST, absolutely most, important thing I always tell myself is that PATHS can change...but GOALS never will.

    Life is certainly an adventure...but wouldn't it be crazy boring if we weren't thrown road blocks and strong curves?!

    I struggle every day being pregnant, the sole income of my family, making only enough to eat potatoes some weeks, but in the end, these struggles will be phenomenal...they'll bring me back down and make me realize the TRUE HAPPINESS in my life!

    I am happy to know that you have someone loving you so much to be there for you when it all comes crashing down...

  6. stay strong! you are lucky to have someone right there beside you, holding your hand through it all. life seems to have thrown you a lot of things these past few months but a good cry really does help release all that emotion. i really believe that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

    when i'm feeling down, i give myself me time to reflect and put everything in perspective. after that me time, i talk it out with someone i trust and love.

    stay strong! i truly believe that things will look up for you :)

  7. I love to write when I'm feeling down. I'm sure that blogging about it released at least some of the emotions. Playing music is also a good form of therapy. When I'm at my lowest I channel all of that emotion into a song. Just know that life always balances out. It may be crappy for a while, but it will get better. I wish you the best.