Lately I've been hit with a spell of unforunate happenings that have been beyond my control. I sigh and sigh and sigh because really what can little old me do? I sat and wondered about God. I thought, God either loves testing us and thinks atta human, you got it see! You dusted yourself off and look how you pulled through! Or he's a twisted bastard with a rotten sense of humor and is one hell of a prankster. Maybe a bit of both? Don't get me wrong I believe in the big G-O-D, but sometimes you just want to go WTF man, whats the big idea here? And in return you get nothing but silence and are left to your own precious demise.
So I sit here and wait and watch this weird new path of his unravel and am just trying to make the best of it. I don't want to dwell in the negative because nothing good ever comes of that.
These past few months have not been my favorites, lets start in chronological order...
1. First week of school I got out of my first class earlier than anticipated so I decided to kill sometime and Facebook it. A message in my inbox reads as follows:
I know you don't approve of mine and your fathers relationship but I just wanted
to let you know that soon you will be having a brother or sister. Take care.
Signed, Your Dad's 21-year-old girlfriend who is mind you two, two, TWO! years younger than you and who you've never met.
Massive punch to the heart.
What followed were sleepless nights and waking up with puffy eyes as I said good bye to the man I once admired and who I no longer felt I knew. A faint shadow of the man I grew up knowing. Just like that. Gone. Good-bye. Someone who left 6-years ago and never looked back. This was his final good bye. He gave up.
2. The only place I ever really considered home is up for sale in Tucson, AZ to the tune of 146,000. Its just a house right? It's part of my heart.
3. Mom calls to inform me my cat back in Arizona has been missing. Today its been a week. I feel helpless.
4. Someone hacked into my paypal account. But hey, thats no biggie.
So when life isn't being sewn the way you want it what do you do? Well, I can either sit here and sulk and think about what was, what could have been, and how throw myself a pity party. Or I can take a step back and see the good in my life.
I chose option 2 after having myself a good hard cry. I put up my facade as best I could because I wanted to be functional and not call attention. But the other night I lost my shit and started crying. Ben didn't know what to do so he just stood in front of me and hugged me as I sat in my chair. I pressed my face into his stomach and cried hot tears and gasped for air inbetween wimpers and sobs. I hate crying like that. It's a mixture of hyperventilating and feeling like you might pass out.
He's never seen me this way. I must have really emanated a great deal of sadness because he started to cry and that boy never cries. In five years I have only seen him cry three times. 1. When his dad was being a major deuch and made him cry. 2. When he thought his 14-year-old dog was going to die from plyometra, and 3. The other night as I burrowed my sad little head into his belly.
But after I had that volcanic emotional release and let go of all of the emotions and memories I tied to everything that I mentioned above (minus the paypal because at that point that was like HAH, thats all you got Geezus?) I felt liberated.
I felt so lucky to be with someone who loves me so much. I felt happy that I was in good health and doing what I could with what I had. I felt grateful for the small stupid things that some see as insignificant like visits from Herman and Sir Scraggles always sleeping on my porch. I realized that bad things do come in three's but wonderful things come by the dozen.
My days have been feeling more like this...
Caught somewhere in the middle but the outlook is bright.
When you are feeling at your weakest, what helps you?