And Then I Went To Counseling...

I have been absent for quite sometime. I realize my last post was rather ambiguous and rather on the downside.

But at the time, that was how I was feeling. Submerged in a sea of despair and feelings of failure.

I finally hiked up my big girl pants and days after my last post (September 2nd) I marched myself into the counseling services department at school. It was something I had been dreading. But, I realized an emotional detox with a perfect stranger is just what I needed. If things didn't pan out as I thought they would its okay because there would be no strings attached. Kinda like a one night stand? Right? Except better!

But anyways, it was intense. What I wanted was to walk in and say here, these are my problems...now fix them! Feel free to throw your pellets of wisdom and advice my way Mr. Family and Marriage Counselor Man (with a shiny bald head).I'll catch all those suckers. But of course, thats not the way it works.

Instead it works more like the onion effect. You know that whole peel one layer off ooooone at a time?And realize your solutions via methods of self discovery and probing? Needless to say, very few answers were provided. Instead there was a lot of crying, about twenty tissues less, and me trying to sum up my life story in a 50 minute session. I left that place looking as if I had been cutting onions all day and them putting then on my eyes as moisturizers.

That day, I can't say I felt much better. I felt as if I had plunged myself deeper into those feelings. But, the days that followed gave me strength and optimism. It was truly refreshing to speak to someone who had a neutral perspective. To talk to someone who does not have preconcieved ideas or thoughts about who you are or judge where you've been.

This is a touchy subject for my to talk about because this blog is my outlet. And the last thing I want it to sound like is some mopey, depressing, poooooor me blog. Because hello!? Why is Eeyore no one's favorite character? (Like seriously, would you want to invite him to a party?)

And for a while there I felt like I every time I came to this little digital window that works as a vehicle to provide the outside world with my inner most awesome thoughts...I didn't feel like I had any positive shit to say. And its not that I want to get all Richard Simmons on your guys asses and be like super upbeat and ADHD. Its just that I want my blog to reflect who I am as a person in real life as well.

In person I am someone who rarely touches on topics that are depressing or that drag themselves out. I am actually a pretty rad person (if I do say so myself). Sure I could curse a lot less and maybe not be as cynical. But at the end of the day, I am a pretty damn good person that is the friend many call, the friend many love to have because of all the funny and crazy shit she says, and the friend that 'has it together.'

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I missed this damn place. Both the blog and this attitude. And it feels good to be back!

(In other news, I am getting a profesh camera in Jan, a Nikon D3100 DSLR, so in lieu of that I  am in the developing stages of making a new blog, one that is more universal and friends and family members can see! & of course you guys too!)

But I feel this is a blog I do not ever want to erase because so much of my personal thoughts have been poured into here to the eyes of complete strangers! And just like Mr. Shiny Bald Head you guys have listened and not judged.

Thank you. It means the world to me.

Finding Me

Today I'd been wanting to do something I'd never done since moving up to California. I wanted to get in my car, and just drive. Just drive to a destination of peace. I drove over the San Mateo Bridge and to Half Moon Bay.

I walked down this path.

Sat in this bench.

And looked at this.

I contemplated and analyzed my current point in life.

I don't know whats been wrong with my lately. In the mornings I don't want to get up. I can't think of one thing that makes me want to jump up and seize the day. My senses lack invigoration. I feel subdued, mundane, and bored. Numb. I've never felt this way before for this long.

And all I could do was really pray. Pray for answers. Pray to be at peace with pending decisions. I prayed for the burden of sadness to go away. I prayed for the pain to go away. I prayed for clarity.

I took an online emotional wellness test administered by the school. The results? Depression.

I am scared.

Quarter Life Crisis

A lot has happened in the past month. Too much for my little brain to be able to eloquently put into words.

I got to see my Dad during my break. That was wonderful but at the same time I am wondering why he didn't really want to come stay with me at my place and instead stayed with his sister the whole time. That kind of sucked.

I saw my grand father die on the fourth of July.

We are taking care of a Chihuahua our neighbors found. I feel I am getting a taste of mother hood here. Just a taste.

I found a kitten with a busted leg. Took it to a rescue place.

Its the 5th week of school and I am so behind because all of this happened sequentially.

But I don't want to talk about any of that stuff.Not at this moment anyways.

See, I am less than two weeks shy of turning 24. 24. YES...24. It feels so strange. I told my mother today that I feel as if I am going through a quarter life crisis. She told me she felt the same way at about 20-21 years of age but largely due to the fact that she had me at 17.

I can't really explain the feeling. Its not a thought that keeps recurring over and over in my head. Its just a feeling of unaccomplishment and unfulfilledness. Like a hollowness. As if their is a void. As life gets more and more different every year. Less fun. You see your friends less. Now I see my family less. I feel a bit of detachment. Some where I am stuck in the middle on my way to adulthood but not too fargone from childhood.

I know I am not alone in this boat. As I've chuckled a few times as I've seen other fellow Facebook friends from high school post about feelings running in the same vein.

I had put my laptop away when I recieved a text from my dear friend Ana. Mind you, it was 12:45am.

Ana: "Hi Friend...U Sleeping?"
Me: "No lol still a night owl"
Ana: "Me too. I couldn't sleep so I'm driving around.:) I just drove past ur old houseand both of our old schools...time goes by too f-ing fast! : ( I am freaking out. I'm having a breakdown too! I feel like I'm not doing enough for all the time that's passing!"

I can see she too has the same feeling of unfulfilledness and unaccomplishment. I wonder if its a biological timer that goes off in our brain. Ding, ding, ding! Time to feel sorry for yourself! You are getting "old"

When in all reality we are not old and that is not the main complaint here at all. But this feeling is hard to kick and I've been giving myself mini pep talks that sometimes help and other times don't.

Growing up is hard to do!
.

I have a wrinkle

The years of my twenties are rather strange. As things in life that have never occurred before are suddenly happening unexpectedly and uninvitedly. For instance, while it feels it was just yesterday I was being asked what college I was going to go to, or what my young 18-year-old self wanted to be I find myself now  being asked more adult like questions. As a soon to be 24-year-old people now inquire as to when I will have children, when I will get married... this is all so baffling to me as I feel no where near ready to title myself as a mother or a wife.

Today as my narcissistic self has done for many years I was indulging in art of outstretching my arm and taking a picture of me and the person next to me while the family and I paraded about San Francisco. Except today as I reviewed the photos and saw this...

I have some wrinklies under my right eye. Where, how, and when did these wrinkies get here I asked my puzzled self? Is it the soap I am using?!? The Bare Minerals??!? Am I aging prematurely for my age? Did I do my make up weird today?

No self, its just time. With time comes aging duh.

But it all feels so soon! These wrinklies weren't there two years ago and is it quite possible wrinkles just sprout to noticible maturity overnight!?!

It does not help that I have the most baby faced boyfriend ever. Ben has a face that is shaped in favor of looking younger, his skin is plump with collagen, and he is practically hairless. People always guess he is waaaaay younger than what he is. Today as my family probed him for his age one unrelated, friend of a family member said Ben looked younger than me! I am 24 and Ben is 29. Slap to the face. Upon just discovering my wrinklies on my camera hours earlier this comment was even more bruising to the ego.

My mind and heart still feels young. Which is why I find the wear and tear to be so unsettling.

Really, I am going to get myself some wonderful eyecream. Pronto.

Because I like to make excuses for myself

I like how in my pre-laptop days I was convinced I would most definitely blog more if I ever had a wonderous laptop. Now here I am, about 2 months with a laptop and the post consistency has faired the same.

I've been doing that a lot lately. Thinking I have valid reasons not to do something. For instance, I was convinced I could not study at home because Ben can be so damn chatty and distracting. But now that he has a weekend job and I have the time span from 11-6 all to me and me only, I still can't study. I had to take my incompetent ass to the library.

I have a love hate relationship with this blog I must admit. Sometimes I feel like writing and other times I think I rather peel potatoes.

I have been figuring out a lot of things lately. And I've come to a conclusion. Your twenties are bittersweet. No, seriously.

Sure they are most likely the best looking years of your life if you are into collagen and elasticity (um, yes please!) but, they are also a time of self discovery. And the self discovery thought process goes a little like this..

Am I really happy? Or am I just unhappy because I am too young and dumb to know any better? Am I really mad? Am I overexaggerating? Am I supposed to feel this way? Am I normal? Am I going about this the right way?

And you know some of the pestering questions have been answered but some still remain to unravel as I progressively age.

For instance in my teens I thought one day I would seek a profession where I could help others because gosh, I love helping others. Let me teach, let me guide, let me service!

But then with time I realized that I don't really like helping people a whole lot UNLESS I deem them sufficiently worthy. And lets just say my standards are high. No, no, no...don't judge. This is surely logical.

See for instance I don't help the dingbat from one of my classes who hasn't attended one class because he is just soooo cool by giving him copies of all of my notes. Nope, sorry. Not worthy.

But I do help the elderly and open doors for them and the such.

So there. My logic has been proven.

I guess my point is that the twenties are just all about trial and error. Until you finally get the pattern and realize someday that you are fully aware of exactly how you want to live your life.

If I am lucky that will happen around the time I am forty.

ha ha he he ha ha ho.

I have a pet peeve. Well I have many actually. But this one in particular, well I deduct that many people might be annoyed by it too? Possibly? Lets commence.

FALSE RETIREMENT

Think Jay-Z here. But more closely related think bloggers. Since I've entered the blogosphere I've ran across a few well established blogs run by bloggers who have been doing their thang thang for years. And they sooooo sadly announce. I am retiring! I no longer have the passion to write...Good bye...farewell...Yada yada yada.

Cue the outpouring of sentimental comments from faithful readers and even long time lurkers hit the comment button for the first time just to bid them a thank you and farewell.

And then you know what happens?

The blogger comes back less than a month later, blogging as if nothing has happened.

Does that annoy you too? It really irks the shit fire out of me. I don't know why.

Maybe its the fact that its narcissistic and phony. Preplanned and predictable. I've always disliked people who felt the need to make a dramatic exit.

I mean even Jay-Z gets on my nerves for goodness sake its ridiculous. I remember a few years back they gave him an award, a bunch of big shots came out and said how great he was, they played a montage video of his successes...

And you know how this story turns out if you listen to the radio at all.

I don't like the man anymore because of that reason!

Faking your retirement is almost as bad as faking your death. Really its just pathetic.

Can you tell I am on my period?

Random Musings

I don't even know what the word musings means to be honest. But I know people use it in that context so I am just mimicking per say.

I also have an announcement I am very proud of! I got my first 'F' on a test in my college academic career. This is true. The last time I got an 'F' I was still riding the yellow bus to school. Let us not discuss Freshman year of high school, or lack there of for that matter. Really this big fat 56% should go on the fridge. Its what dreams are made of!

No really, I am not proud of the grade per say but I am happy about one thing. This exam score in upper level economics is just the bitch slap in the face I needed. The one  that said, "Just who the FUCK do you think you are?" Because really, who do I think I am?Flippin Einstein? Effen Socrates? Freakin Bill Gates? This procrastinating business is a thrill, a cheap thrill that usually made me feel like hmm maybe I am smarter than the average folk. Because studyingh 2-3 days or in most cases 1-2 days before an exam was letting me cruise through relatively unscathed. Till now that is.

So your truly has been very unceremoniously brought down to earth. Now I feel like a stupid little earthling. Sad right?

Moving on

I am really happy I got my laptop. Except for the first week I had it I would come home and the boyfriend was on it. Despite there being a perfectly fine desktop and mind you, he has his very own laptop. So after a week of this I decided that we were no longer going to share joint custody of my laptop because, um... its mine! So he was gently surprised when one day when I wasn't home he wanted to have some alone time with it and upon flipping it open the wonderful white space prompted him for a password for him to login. And that was that! I don't feel one bit of guilt for it either.

And thats all for now. Good night.

When the fear consumes you.

I've been saying it for months already. In a huff, out of irritation, out of nowhere. I NEED A NEW DAMN JOB. I'll write a resume later I told myself. I would make excuses. Oh I can't apply anywhere right now my schedule is too weird. Oh I'll write my resume after this set of midterms, oh i'll write them after these darn finals, oh I'll write it as soon as I get back from vacation...Catching my drift?

So finally tonight, the voice in my head said, "Hey you could write your resume right now?" and then I thought "Hmmm I am behind on two Gossip Girl episodes."

Wow. Yes really.

But today I FINALLY wrote my resume. Its not the best thing ever but hey, its something. (If anyone reading this post is a bad ass resume reviewer, email me asap!)

I wrote up my resume and sent it out to a marketing internship position that opened up in San Francisco. Gosh I am all nerves. What if they actually call me back??? What if they want an interview?!?

The thought of drastic change is scary but it has to be done.

I have been at my job for 2.5 years now. I've mastered it. Its boring to me. While I love the interaction with the patients the job doesn't relate strongly to my major. Not to mention its killing my back and shoulders with all of the lifting, crouching, and bending I have to do. Oh and I have tired of the uniform! I feel that in this day and age, in this economy that is slowly rising back to its feet, you have to be ahead of the curve. If I develop some real life skills that are applicable to my career field I feel I will have an advantage.

I am ready for a change. I have problems with my confidence. Problems with believing in my self, and problems with valuing my set of skills at a job.

But I am excited. I think an internship in San Francisco would be a blast! BARTing it to the city and getting the big city experience.

Its funny because I feel Herman's death, while tragic, was the kick in the ass that I needed. It made me feel like really, we don't know what the fuck is going to happen and why wait until tomorrow, or in my case months, to do what you can do today?

Wish me luck folks!

(Me and my Lovey Bear this past Sunday.)

The Aftermath of an Unexpected Death

The aftermath of an unforeseen death is strange. The events that follow are torture on the soul as the brain struggles to absorb the sudden news. Your brain is stuck in the old routine but the heart knows whats happened.

Today when I woke up my heart still felt like it was in my stomach. "He's dead" I kept telling myself. And this time it penetrated me deeper. It hurt so bad. The bond I felt with Herman was a strong one. I know some people think its strange to love an animal so much.

I got up early to review for a midterm I had today. As I walked up to the parking lot to my car my eyes darted towards Herman's usual spots. The ledge infront of the cars where he would be perched. But upon seeing me he would jump down and dash towards me. My heart ached in a wrath of sadness because I knew he wasn't going to pop out of any of his usual spots.

I got to school and sat in my car. I can't remember what songs were on the radio or the names of them but they had a sad tune to them. I turned the radio up loud and looked out the side window of my car. The day was gloomy like it has been on and off lately. The sky was white with shades of gray but not a cloud in sight. The trees swayed in the medium speed wind. And then the tears started flowing and once they started I couldn't stop. The music made me feel his loss stronger and there I just felt the grasp of the unfairness of the world.

Herman and his mannerisms were hilarious. He always put a smile on my face. The events leading up to his death were a perfect storm. A perfect scenario of random occurences that were dismissed with quick answers. Like when I saw him last wednesday and thursday and he wouldn't come up to me like he normally did because he was basking in the sun. I figured it was because he was just happy the sun had finally come out to shine on him so I let him be. Or on thursday night when I picked him up and instead of feeling like his normal, tight muscled self he felt a little softer but not completely limp. Why didn't I feel a sense of urgency? Why was it just a sense of strong worry and concern but not urgency? And when he stayed in all night Thursday, and all day Friday why couldn't I have known that this long sleep in was because he was dying? That it wasn't one of those times that he randomly just decided to be lazy all day but that he was sick. I keep on wondering if the events leading up to his untimely death could have prevented it had they been acted upon quickly. But the truth is, despite having the staples in our routine there are parts of Herman that were quite random at times  so his behavior was never completely consistent. But still, I can't help but wonder how he died. Was it of natural causes? Was it antifreeze poison like the veterinarian suspected? Did someone poison him? Please God, I want to know. But at the same time I don't.

Benny told me he cried in the morning too. Ben and Herman had their morning routine. Benny would be cooking his usual eggs and toast for breakfast and Herman would get up to meet him in the kitchen. There Herman would eat a bit and then sit by the door waiting to go out on his usual daily adventures. Benny would always say, "You ready to go outside Herm Boy?" And Herman would just perk up an stand up.

After my midterm en route to Target the tears came out again. I just laughed with hot tears and thought to myself  "Gosh over a darn cat!" I was trying to lessen the feelings but I couldn't. I pulled into the parking lot at home and felt frusterated that my brain kept playing tricks on me. That I kept on waiting to see him in his usual spots or have him surprise me when he darted out of seemingly no where. And when I was sitting at Ben's desk I heard some rustling outside and immediately thought Herman was outside waiting to be let in. Oh the brain and its memory. Its torture. I just can't believe he's gone.

A week ago he was fine. I hate that life can be so shitty sometimes. I want to just rewind time so I could redo everything differently.

This should be my last post about Herman for a while. I felt like I got what I need to off my chest.

Thanks for reading this though. Even if it does resemble yesterdays post.

I love you Herman. I hope that if there is a heaven you are there eating grass and flowers. And that there are comfy cat beds for you to sleep in and that best of all, its Moomie free!

We miss you here on earth.

Love always,

Ben and Ferni

One of The Worst Days Ever

Today started off weird. And my gut feeling told me that it was only going to get weirder. As I was getting ready for school in the morning Benny's mom (who is visiting us right now) came into the house in a huff. Sweaty, out of breath, and short on patience.

"The car broke down, its dead, it won't start."

Me: "huhhhh??"

(See Benny's mom dropped him off at school so she could drive her beloved Buck The Truck.)

Me: Why are you sweaty?

"I walked up the damn hill! Have you ever walked up that hill? It took me forever"

Me: "Wheres the car?"

"At the thrift store"

Me: "Well did you unlock the alarm first before trying to start the car?"

(See, Ben's mom owned the car for seven years before giving it to her soooo I kinda figured she would remember that you have to unlock the alarm before starting the car."

"No."

Problem solved! I was irritated and amused.  The feeling of irritation wanted to take over because I had to drive her back down and I was already running on a tight schedule. But I left the feelings of amusement win because it was just too damn hilarious that she had to climb up a hill for no reason at all really.

I went to school and during a break ran back home just to pick up an item I had to return. It was 2:45 and I asked Ben's mom, When do you have to pick up Benny? "2:45" she says. " Oh I gotta go!" So I leave and she leaves and the stove is left on. Intuition tells me to turn off the stove because there is a chance she might not come back in time. But I told myself to fight off my doubts because how rude of me to have such little faith in her that I just assume she will get lost and take forever to get back home.

Well, I should have listened to my intuition.

As soon as I pull into the parking lot at work I get a call from Benny telling me he is still at school, unpicked up by his mother who is now an hour late. Shit. Shit. Shit. Is all I can think. The stove is on.

So I call my neighbor and try to devise a plan for him to break into my house so he could turn off the stove. He is always so helpful and I always can call on him in a pinch. But then he says....

" I have some really, really, really, bad news for you."

In my head I thought: (They lost the baby, they lost the baby, they lost the baby.)

See, my neighbor has been trying to get pregnant for forever. With polycystic ovarian syndrome, an irregular period, and a blocked tube, her getting pregnant was really a miracle of sorts.

I braced myself to say "Oh my gosh I am so sorry."

"Rocky died this morning."

I felt my heart fall to my feet and I wanted to burst into a flurry of tears but I couldn't. I wanted to know my house wasn't going to burn down. I wanted to just start the car and turn back home. But I couldn't. And it was one of the most frusterating feelings ever.

Rocky is Herman. The cat that basically has lived in our home for a year. He was only five-years-old. The past few days he had been acting out of character. Slow and lethargic and sleeping heavily. My intuition told me something was terribly wrong but I looked to Ben for any affirmation that my concerns were just being exaggerated. He told me he probably just was sick of had allergies and that he would be better soon. It wasn't out of the norm for Herman to sometimes get into cat fights and be tired so I thought maybe I was being a worry wart.

He stayed in our house and slept all day thursday night and all day friday. Saturday morning Ben let him out and his owners despite noticing he had been acting strange since Wednesday did not take him to the vet until this morning. There, his temperature was 97. something when I guess a cats temperature is supposed to be 106. something. And there as they were plugging him into iv's to rehydrate him he took his last little breath.

My heart sank all over again as I pulled into the parking lot. No Herman to excitedly run and greet my as soon as he heard the roar of my car. No more rubbing up against my legs as we walk down the steps together. No more hilarious sleep positions to laugh at.

Lately, I'd been prematurely missing Herman so much. I thought of what it would be like the day me and Ben are done with school and have to move out of these apartments. How could I just look at his little face and know that it would be the last time I ever saw him. How could I just drive off and let him sit on the front porch of an empty apartment waiting to be let in and loved. I wished that his owners would take him away and that I would never have to say good bye. But never would I have thought that the last time I would see him would be yesterday. When I was on route to the store before getting into my car I petted him on his bottom and he tippied his toes and pointed his tail skywards.

Life is full of surprises and unfortunately it isn't always good ones.

& to conclude...

Benny's mom did end up getting lost but she went back home to turn off the stove and then figured out how to get to Ben's school.

& the neighbors did lose their baby.

(Herman on April 17th, 2010)

(Me and Herman at 1:30 in the morning on Saturday. I had no idea I was holding a cat that was dying)

I am EXCITED!

I officially have a laptop! I got it today and I am so excited. A bit tired from studying but excited none the less. I look forward to multi-tasking with out my screen freezing. Yay! Anywho. Got two tests coming up and Ben's mom is coming into town on Saturday so I am going to be one busy bee. I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend : )

Why, Hello.

Me and the Freef

Spring is here. I know it because when I went for a walk everything was looking like this:

(forgive the poor quality, cell phone pic)

I went for a walk on Sunday. A walk I soon regretted as it was the first day of my lady flow and going for a long walk had to be about the dumbest idea ever. I walked slow and painfully. Too many blocks away f rom my Midol and enduring the bitchiest menstrual cramps. I empathized with old people who are in so much pain they can't bear to move swiftly. Damn. That is my far future. I couldn't bear to walk any further so instead I turned around and went to the thrifty. Oh that only made matters worse. The thrifty was hot and humid and full of hustle and bustle. I began whispering a prayer to the big man upstairs, "Big J, please don't let me faint here in the thrifty." And he answered! But he did test me. Because in the stale, muggy, air near the blazers and vests as I was trying to maintain my composure someone decided to rip the smelliest poof ever. How wonderful of them to share their own signature scent with me.

I was sweating and I could hear my heart beating in my head. Oh but the joys of shopping seemed to create some sort of equillibrium to stabilize me. I left with a few goodies and walked down to my street. But see my street leads up a high, steep hill. I contemplated calling Ben to my rescue because how sad would it be to faint down a hill? Very sad. But alas, the little voice inside my head said "You can do this!" And the hill that under normal bodily circumstances only takes me six minutes to breeze through took me a snail paced twenty minutes! But the point is, I did it!

Then I came home and took my drugs. And once they kicked in I made some Mongolian Beef. And it was deeeeeelicious.

How was your weekend?

Defeat.

Today I had a moment with the part of my brain that rationalizes impulsive decisions. It was a battle...

As of late I have been browsing through many photography and fashion blogs. Oh and they have left me inspired. It reminded me of how much I have longed to get to know more about photography and how to take stellar pictures.

As of now I have a Canon SD750. Its a digital point and shoot. Definitely not a professional camera.

So today I decided to go to the Best Buy to juuuuuust take a looksie at the cameras. Oh and the Best Buy employee had me sold on the Nikon D3000.

This little puppy right here...

I wanted him like I always want the puppies and kittens in the pet stores except times ten.

I held him and took pictures of random strangers at Best Buy. Oh and for 679.00 he came with two other lenses and a bag! Oh but thats waaaaaay too much money for little me. So I went and applied for a Best Buy credit card. I won't get approved and that would be the end of that I thought to myself. Oh but I got approved! For a measely $500 but still, its an approval of sorts.

I was so tempted to adopt little Nikon. (thats what I named it) But I thought I best go home and do me research to really make sure this is a steal. Sure enough it was! Nothing online is matching Best Buy's deal right now.

So I decided to wait for Benny to get home so we  could go to Best Buy and I could show him little Nikon.

Well...

Lets just say bully Benny had a fit about me wanting little Nikon. He said it had to go down as one of the "dumbest ideas ever." (how rude!)

I was so sad. But this is true.

I need to get a computer first before anything else.

 Oh but I will have me a little Nikon! Just you wait and see!

HMPH!

(maybe by my birthday? August 1st?hmm?)

Sigh.

I am going to admit something that is difficult for me. It shouldn't be but yet it is.

I am going to go see a therapist.

I know that lots of people see therapists. But I always felt like therapists were designated towards people when shit really hit the fan in their lives. Just when they were about to enter the point of no return someone said "You need to see a therapist!"

But lately I have been feeling the emotional instability symptoms.

My bad habits due to lack of discipline and confidence sometimes seep their way into my life when all I want is for all to go well but yet I sabotage it.

One of these main factors being school. School just started about two weeks ago and I am taking 5 classes. And I've already missed 1 class in each of those courses for no apparent reason other than I just didn't want to get up. The sense of urgency that should be instilled within me just went "meh." But I have been getting the "meh's" a lot lately. Last quarter I showed up to my physio psychology class a grand total of I'd say 5 times out of say 20 something classes? I showed up the first day of school, for the test dates, and some other day just for good measure. And my attendance in my other classes wasn't very stellar either. I told myself that the reason I missed so many classes is because those were just electives irrelevant to my major. Why waste my time right?

Well old habits are hard to kill and I hate to feel like I lack control. I hate the instability I've been feeling. The sudden change of emotions. The coldness. The distance. The indifference. The feeling of sometimes being able to pay attention and other times thoughts are racing in my head a mile a minute and my heart rate quickens and I have no idea why.

I hate that when I wake up in the morning I can't find a reason to want to get out of bed. No motivation towards anything. I hate that I don't feel like talking to anyone really.

I hate that one minute while externally you may not be able to see it in my face inside I am crying and the next minute I am angry and the next...

I have never felt this way before but its been this way more often than seldom as of late.

I ask myself what could be the problem...

Are our apartments infected with mold?

Is it the inconsistent weather and lack of sunshine?


I want answers.

And I hope to find them.

A Week in Review

This picture has nothing to do with the story but...whatever.

This past week flew by. It was eventful and I really did not find a moment where I could clear mindedly sit down and just type. Just gab. Just blah blah blah on here like I always do.

It was one of those weeks that something is happening everyday. Last Monday I posted! Yay.

Then Tuesday I had a class that ran till 9:30 pm so needless to say by the time I got home, ate, unwinded and all that jazz I was pooped. Poooooooped. I don't think I really like that word.

Then Wednesday I worked till late and I think I wanted to post but was waiting for the Benster to go to bed so I could  weeelax and write away but then he didn't go to bed in time so then I got too sleepy to write.

And then on Thursday we found out Ben's 15-year-old Chow Chow's face had swollen up twice its size. The vet said its cancer of the lymph nodes. It was a very, very sad night.

Then Friday Ben decided to book a flight for the same day to go say good bye to his doggie dog because he loves her so much. So I took him to the airport and my heart ached for him. The sky was sad too. Gray and teary.

Then I went to work and then Fri, Sat, and Sun were spent at Crystal's house.

I got to spend time with her very hormonal teenage daughter. Parts of that were amusing and irritating all at the same time. I don't know what was more amusing her daughter's pitchy whining or my friend's ridiculous threats that she doesn't follow through with. I can't decide.

Oh and then her husband was in town (he's in the army). He's ......unique.

Saturday we were supposed to go to San Francisco to go shopping. Oh but not before we stop by Nikon's (the friend's hubs)  "comic book thingy" or "comic book store" as Crystal kept saying. Oh no biggie me and her moody teenage daughter thought. Just stop by the ol' comic book shop then we get to do the fun stuff. We get to Frisco (only us locals can call it Frisco by the way) and it turns out we aren't going to a comic book store. We are going to Wondercon.

What is Wondercon you ask??? Well it is a once a year convention held in San Fran where comic book venders from far and wide come to sell their comics. Do you know how much these comics cost??? Its ridiculous. The air reeked of perspiration from nerdy overexcited geekacons. We were compressed,  bumping shoulder to shoulder with people dressed up as comic book charactors and other weirdos.  And pretty soon I turned into a hormonal teenager. Angry and whiney.

When I was out of Nikon's ear shot things went a little like this: "Ohhhhhh we're just going to stop by Nikon's comic book thingy" I mocked in a high pitched voice. I gave Crystal the glare. She had tricked us into coming because had me and her moody baby known what we were in for we would have stayed home and she would have had to come with her hubs all alone. If there is one thing I hate is being dupped. So for 2.5 hours me and her daughter made ugly faces at strangers and whispered mean nothings about all the nerds there.

 And then. We didn't get to go shopping. It was tragic.

Then Saturday night we went to a bar. That was fun. But once again I realized why I should stick to beer instead of mixed drinks. I don't know how to gage mixed drinks. And mixed drinks turn me into an embarrassing mess. The details of saturday night need not  be said okaaaay?

But its good to be back in the blogosphere. I missed you lovelies!

The Return of The Fern

I've been a miniature hiatus for good reasons. See the week before this past week I was in the midst of a finals hurricane. My procrastination is ridiculous and I paid for it. Hard. But somehow I always pull it off. Not smoothly. But hey whatever right?

So last weekend I went to San Diego with my friend, her sister, and her daughter. Upon my arrival back home I decided it was damn time me and Ben go on a mini vacay. So the next day our hotel was booked in the ghetto of LA and we drove down this past thursday. Our hotel was so ghetto we decided to only stay in it the first night and the second night we stayed with my Uncle Lalo. See, he isn't really my uncle but we just call him that because its better than saying "He's my mom's gay friend." I mean how impersonal does that sound?

Lalo invited me and Ben to a gay club. A latino gay club. Do you understand what a gay club in LA means? OMG. It was like the mecca of gays united and we were teleported into the land of the Happy. It was wonderful! Thinly plucked eyebrows were abundantly present. Swiveling hips with no curves. But also there were men there I would have never ever penned for gay. Seriously!

And do you know what? The gays looooooved Benny! And Benny loves the gays! Except Benny isn't gay obvs. So it was all kinds of funny.

I'd never been to a gay club of this level. I mean it was insanity. We had a blast. And the gays play the best music everrrrr. Lady GaGa and Brit Brit were steadys in the DJ's playlist. Um hello! Heaven!

And me and the boy beached it a lot. Southern California beaches are a thing of magic. Warm, sunny, and deeeeelicious. Right when we first got to the beach me and Ben got into a bit of a tiff and for the first 30 mins he was in the car pouting and I was on the beach pouting. Then I realized this could go on forever so I sent him a text telling him to get his baby butt out here on the beach. And then he did. And then we did this...

The neighbors watched my retarded cat Free Free. They played with her and gave her lovin' while me and the boy were away.

Our neighbor likes to hang out in our home and watch our television despite the fact that he has his own. Isn't that hysterical? We can always tell because the settings on the TV are all messed up and the remote is never where we leave it. Whatever. We don't mind.

Our trip was wonderful. Although I was a little sad to find out Ben isn't as crazy about LA as I am. I loooooove LA. I mean its not healthy now bad I want to live there. I am mental. City lungs and traffic and superficiality. Oh but the beaaaaaaaach. I love the beach.

And I guess I love the people.

But most of all I love doing this...

Napping on the beach

miss miss miss!

I have been writing posts in my head all day. Lovely posts I wish to write. Do you ever do that? Do you ever speak in blog inside your head? As if you are narrating the post and mentally prepping it?

I think its weird that I do that.

I am in the midst of finals week so unfortunately my lovely mind posts can't make it here because its 3:30am and I must put my little head down to sleep.

I will be back soooooooooooon.

San Francisco

Thursday I went to the city. The city was calling me. It had been a while.

I decided to dress trendy so I wore this...

Headless.

 Then I threw on a scarf and sweater because the city is birrrrr!

See all the girls in San Francisco dress trendy. I was taking mental notes left and right... thinking hmmm?? Never thought to put that together, but it looks good!

I called these girls, fashion girls.

Fashion girls aren't the nicest. But thats okay because I am not that nice either. : P Girls are funny creatures. So much more analytical of eachother than men are. When you see men in public places they always look like they have their heads up their ass. Daydreaming. Lost in outer space.

And girls. Oh girls. What are you going to do with them? Competitive, feisty little bitches. Especially in big cities. You'll be lucky if you get a smile out of a fashion girl. You get bumped sometimes and maybe an excuse me. I got bumped twice. Apparently some people taking shopping very seriously.

Oh but do you know what its like to shop in San Francisco? It is the most fucking epic thing ever (I had to throw the F word in there to startle you so you realize how serious I am about shopping in San Francisco). You take the BART there and it drops you off at Powell which leads straight into the Westfield Mall. The Westfield Mall is a thing of dreams. Gucci, Armani, and Bloomingdales dreams. Not much time was spent in there. Because my wallet isn't quite ready for those dreams.

The destination was Market street. An Old Navy, H & M, 3 story Forever 21, Marshalls, Ross, DSW shoe store, Urban Outfitters, Anthropologie, Gap, and the list goes on and on and ooooon. All with in 50 feet of eachother. Could you just die? Stocked to the brim! Big city style.

I went in my heels and tights and dress. And as soon as you get off that Bart let me tell you something honey, you don't walk. You strut. Work it girl.

I love going to the city. There I don't feel so weird. Because I am in a sea of weirdos, fashion girls, business types, hippies, etc. And the cities hustle and bustle makes you feel so small and insignificant that suddenly you realize your worries are really just so silly.

After a few wonderful hours of shopping my strut turned into a waddle. And then my waddle told me my feet were going to spark revenge upon me the next day. And sure enough they did. My baby feet hurt.

But it was worth it. So worth it. I shall show you what I put together in the future!

The most EPIC F21 ever. Look how tiny the people are. Its sad.

The glory that is Market Street.

(P.S the lady in the pink sweater on the lower right, NOT a fashion girl)

Now if you have never been to a big city I recommend San Francisco. It is a great place to start. And its really such a tiny city that you can get anywhere in a cinch.

You're welcome.

A bit of a dilema here.

Today was different. Today on March 8th, 2010 I wasn't my usual self. Despite staying up till 5am last night finishing a power point presentation and a paper, I was in unusually high spirits. Luck of the draw landed me a slot on the first day of presentations. It's better to just get it over with right? I didn't do very good because I had just finished picking my topic and forming a presentation so it wasn't my best performance at public speaking, but I faired much better than I did in the 8th grade. When my voice trembled worse than someone's shitty base in a richety old car. Oh but it was because of the ever so dreamy Mr. Daniel Brown. The  cutest Mormon boy ever. My thirteen-year-old self turned to putty when he was around. I totally bombed my presentation from the sheer nerves of him watching me. And then I wanted to crawl into a hole and die when I saw him giggle with no restraint.

Daniel Brown is the reason I don't judge the Twi-hards. Or Jonas Brothers fans. Or even ugggghhhh the Clay Aiken fans. The heart can't help when it palpitates uncontrollably!

And then there was senior year in high school. I didn't get much sleep and skipped breakfast on the day we had our presentations for our "What I want to do with my life" paper. I had the usual nerves but once I got up to present my nerves turned into excitement and apparently my body couldn't handle the sudden emotional shift. And the fact that I had nothing in my tummy to fuel my body to hold such levels of emotional capacity made for a very interesting day. Suddenly, there I was holding my big foam, science poster covered with Home and Garden pictures and was ready to talk about how I wanted to be an interior designer, when it happened. Suddenly, my classmates started to slowly disappear into a black haze and I blinked to see if my eyes would grant me back my vision. And then I felt extremely dizzy, weak, and disorientated. And then the voice in my head that detected emergencies said aloud, "HOLY SHIT! You are going to faint!" And in that moment I told the teacher "I feel sick, can I go to the nurse?" Right smack dab in the middle of my presentation. Another bomb. Needless to say I ended up presenting on a different day. (It was embarassing to halt my presentation but it was better than dropping dead from clamy nerves in front of my classmates SENIOR year.)

But anyways, back to today. I was feeling unusually chipper. I felt light on my feet, confident, accomplished, and I just felt like helping everyone. For once when I had to do my job the voice in my head didn't groan and say, "I don't want to do that" or "Ugh" or "I hate my job." I thought, "With pleasure!" and "I would love to help!"

Let me tell you it is rare for me to think this way because my job is physically demanding so I never want to do much of it! And since they got rid of the other therapist I've been on double duty.

Today folks was an example of what goes around comes around. Good karma as they say. One of the patients today was in particularly more pain than usual so she asked me if I could do some ultrasound  on her (you may know US as what detects babies but its also used as physical therapy to heal muscle). I made sure to work extra hard on her sore spots and even ultra sounded her forearms which she said were in great pain. Not one moment of this bothered me. And you don't understand, I hate doing ultrasounds with a passion. They kill my shoulders. But today like I said, was just different.

So I bid the patient farewell and told her I hoped she'd feel better. I went to tend to the patient in the next room when I heard...Ferni!

It was the patient I had just done the ultrasound on calling me and I rushed back frightened something had happened. Cramp? Fall? Shooting pains? But when I rushed into the room I saw a 20 dollar bill staring me in the face. "I can't accept that!" I told her. "No, no, just take it!" She urged. "No, I can't its my job, I feel bad taking that from you." This exchange occured for about a minute when she finally said, "SHHHH, Shhhhh just don't tell anybody! Just take it!" I must say I felt overly compensated for only ultrasounding her for about 10 minutes. (I was only supposed to do 4 minutes)

I finally accepted the 20 dollar bill and thanked her again.

I must say it isn't settling well with me that I took her money. It's funny how we can accept gifts and candy but when it comes to the hard cash it just tugs at us.

I planned to tell the doctor as soon as I had a chance but he was so busy all day in consultations and finally when he was available I began having my doubts of telling him for fear of his reaction.

Would he be mad at me for taking the money?

Would he be happy someone liked one of his employees so much that they gave them a very generous tip?

Would he lecture me on how I should have handled the situation? (You don't understand, this man loooooooves to lecture. I do feel it is his favorite hobby."

Would he make me give it back when she told me not to say anything in the first place and then make it an awkward situation for all?

Would he lecture the patient about not giving extra money because she's already paid for the extent of her treatment?

All of these questions were circling in my mind by the time I had a chance to speak to the doctor.

So I texted Crystal and told her what happened and asked her what I should do.

Don't say anything! Were her orders. And she is my bestie and knows the doc best.

I came home and told Ben the situation and he said I should just keep it for now and find a way to give it back to her at another time. He also suggested I not tell the doctors. "It's between you and her" he firmly stated.

I still can't seem to find peace with taking the money, what do you guys think???

As of late.

Gossip Girl reminded me of how much I love tights (really, how could I have forgotten?). And now I am destined to have them in every color under the sun.

Do you follow? Is it totally weird?

I want to tell you guys something. (and a fashion show!)

Apryl over at http://aprylsmindshowers.blogspot.com/ gave me a fabulous blogging award. I am honored and so happy that she likes my blog! But I must tell you I got severe constipation of the mind when I saw the conditions for passing on the award...Fifteen blogs??? Well I don't even read fifteen blogs on the reg. I felt all kinds of inadequate.

So what was I to do?

Well browse through my followers of course. I was clicking away meeting some of you who I have never met before and I have to say...you are all very wonderful. No, really. I mean it.

I found my self loving a lot of your blogs. And then it dawned on me...Oh-em-gee. They've decided to follow me because they probably liked something about my writing. Really, we tend to gravitate towards people we are similar to or share similar interests with. Duh!So obviously my readers and I must share commonalities.

I found someone who loves skinny jeans and chai lattes. Did you know that I love skinny jeans and chai frappucinos? Um Hello? Soul sister! (http://astargazeradreamfinder.blogspot.com/)

In other news...

I have been shopping like a mad woman. I think I need to enter a rehab facility for a retail addiction. I feel totally cracked out. Like I need my fix you know?

I try to justifiy it but I really need to calm down. Granted I am a bargain queen but still. This is my savings I am digging into here! Not very wise. Want to hear what the Angel and the Devil perched on each shoulder say?

Angel says,

"Ferni, you need to be wise with your money, use it only for emergencies. What happens if your car breaks down? You have bills to pay remember? Dentist-Car Insurance-Groceries-Cell Phone-Netflix-Credit Cards-Gas..."

Devil says,

"Ferni, you are a great bargain shopper so you can shop as much as you want. And plus you went two years with out buying clothes because you were living paycheck to paycheck since you hadn't taken out loans and since you didn't have extra grant money because you were out of state. So, the way I see it is that you got two years to catch up on so keep shopping girl! You are in your twenties you need to look fab-u-lous."

The Devil makes sooooo much sense doesn't he? The Angel is such a drag.

So today I went on my walk and decided to give "finding that happy medium" a chance. So I put on a jacket my Dad gave me in Christmas of 2006 and headed off. I love that jacket. It makes me feel closer to my Dad. Like a little piece of him is with me. And he did such a great job picking it. And its super nifty because it has some great pockets that I can put my keys, iPod, and cell phone into. I refuse to use a fanny pack until I am at least over fifty.

On my walk I did my infamous I just tripped but didn't fall, I do that about 3 times a week. I've stopped even looking around after I do it because it happens so often and looking around would only allow witnesses to know I feel totally foolish. But today was a big one. Today was a Whaaaaaaaa arms flair, almost falling, big trip. I looked around to see if I had made anyone's day a little better but thankfully no one saw.

Then I saw a cat chase a squirrel up a wooden electrical beam. It was a stand off. Each animal facing eachother, straddling the beam, with only a few inches between them for distance. The cat slapped the squirrel a couple times and then the squirrel struck back as well. Crazy squirrel. The squirrel then head up higher and higher towards the cables and the cat stayed where he was, pondering if he should finish what he started.

Well after my walk I hit the thrifty store. I got two skirts for $1.98 dollars each. I also found this terrific little navy blue cape jacket but it was a bit too rich for my blood being from a thrifty and all. It was 14.99 and it was Mossimo brand. It wasn't Gucci! So I decided to let the cape jacket live there for a few more weeks and if I came back and it was marked down more than I knew it was meant for us to be together.

I also got some snow pants for myself that were $4.98. But I do need to give those a bath first because they had some mysterious stains on them. Stains of the opaque cream color. I'll let you decipher that one.

And I found some tan ankle boots for $4.98.

I learned a great lesson today. That I could still shop a lot as long as I kept it on the cheap. Also this works out because I still want to lose another 10 lbs and it is absolutely disgraceful to buy clothing that won't fit you in a few months.


Now this is where I show you that you can really dress for less. And this is the part where I ask of you to condone this newfound shopping addiction. Its a fair trade.

   Shirt: Forever21    10.50  

Skirt: Thrifty Store 1.98

Tights: Walmart    4.99

Shoes: Thirfty Store 4.98

 Grand Totale:        22.45

My skirt would  be much better appreciated in person but this will suffice. Pretty?

And this is me channeling American Apparel ads. Good?

Now, I have a question..

Seeing as you all have blogs and all, I am wondering if I should go mainstream... right now only me and myself and of course all of you know of my bloggy but I was thinking of making it a friends and family affair. Of course I would need to tidy it up around here but I am leaning towards the idea.

Do your friends and family know about your blog or do you prefer to keep it to yourself?

On a side note...

I made this little picture concoction but for some reason when I add in pics they come out grainy. Tragic.

Talk Talk Talk.

I am wondering... as we get older (we women) ...do we feel emotions stronger?

When I was in my teen years I was like what the ef is all this hype about PMS? Who gets that? Women are just using it as a front to just be down right mean!

But now... now I know  PMS is not a myth. It is real. As real as the sun that shines on our faces.

I get all kinds of moody when I know Mother Flow is coming to visit soon. And then my coworker told me something very interesting that one day when I decide to actually use my spare time wisely I might actually look into.

She said that after our periods we get depressed because our egg wasn't fertilized. Even though we may not even be trying to get pregnant therefore aren't consciously thinking about it, but that physiologically our bodies go through a brief depression mode. Hmmm...it made sense to me because I was noticing a mysterious blanket of sadness that would come over me very strongly. Maybe thats the explanation?

I am perplexed but I just know I am more in touch with my womanly feelings than I've ever felt I have been in my life.

A few months ago I was at Target with my friend and we were crusing through the store when I saw a plaque with some cheesy inspirational message and there in Target I really felt I could just bawl my eyes out. Just cry like a crazy person. Over a plaque? Yes, really.

Is this what pregnant women feel like?

&&& What weight loss tips are working for you? I am having a hard time losing these last ten pounds. They are taunting and teasing me.

Please. Help.

Every Woman's Weakness.

This past Saturday I woke up and I could feel it. I knew trouble was a brewing. I knew I was going to do that bad thing. I knew the two of us were going to have a little fun. Harmless, innocent fun.

Just me and my friend Mr. Plastic.

My Bank of America debit card and I were going to have some quality one on one time together. Just the two of us! Our special day.

What did this lead to? Well it lead us to the Newpark Mall in Newark and there we found some adorable silver sandals for only 12.99. Steal! We galavanted around retail heaven some more but there was nothing more to our liking so we left.

And then we went to Trader Joe's but this was necessary as we were short on some groceries. See, innocent? I instantly regretted going to Trader Jose's because it was Saturday and everyone and their mothers and grand babies are at TJ's on the weekend. But I felt an eery sense of calm because I knew there was still fun to be had.

At Trader Joe's I decided that it was absolutely necessary I have a veggie tray in my life. My life suddently felt unfulfilled! Target was just a stones throw away and after frantically searching for a "crudite" tray I came up empty handed. Then I looked at the shoes at Target and came up empty handed there too.

I knew there was going to be trouble when the conversation between me and my rationale told me going to Ross on a Saturday just to get a veggie tray made perfect sense. (The Ross in Fremont that is always overcrowded and where the folks there do not understand that they are invading my bubble of personal space.) I also knew my rationale knew I was BSing it and using the tray as a cover up for my true intentions.

As soon as I walked into Ross I bolted to the shoe department. Aisle 7.5 please! There I found a perfect pair of black wedges there for 9.99. STEAL! (Pictures to come, next post because I have to get a pedicure...BAD.)

After that, I knew our business was done. Our dirty little mission completed. Oh and it was a great one. One where not too much money was spent but fantastic results were reaped.

I have a shoe obsession. One that becomes untameable at times. And I am very good at finding great shoes on the cheap. Really I will prove it to you.

I came home and put my shoes on right away because thats just what I do as soon as I get new shoes. How rude would it be of me to not give them a tour of the apartment as first time guests?

Ben was just happy to see that my shoes weren't flats because he hates flats with a passion.

Today I got paid and today was trouble all over again.

Trouble let me buy these...

(Under 30 bucks. STEAL!)

and then I also bought these...

(60 bucks. Steal?)

(Picture them over skinny dark or medium colored jeans

 with a white top and a scarf and my long flowing brown hair, do you see it?)

And with all my might I pulled myself together and had a little chatsy with good ol' Rationale and she immediately issued a code red because defenses were low in the common sense department making them vulnerable to attack.

Attack of impulse buying!

Order was restored within my brain. My heart rate settled. And I closed all the windows of glorious shoes online. Cold turkey.

I said I am sorry you beautiful red pumps...maybe next paycheck?

and then I said I don't need you beautiful sleek boots, in leather...

and dammit I don't need you in suede either...

And shoelets I can't decide if I want you because I don't know yet if you look chic or elfy so I feel okay with leaving you right where you are...

and more importantly I also don't know if I want you in black or gray...

And that concludes that.

As Promised.

I am missing something...

...and I can't quite put my finger on it.

...I just know that whatever it is, when it comes, I will know my life will be complete.

And everything will come full circle.

I've been feeling rather strange as of late. Ben suspects its TMJ but I don't know what of it.

I just know I've been feeling all out of sorts. Bouts of disorientation. Major space outs. Non-drug induced weirdness.

Its flippin' me out ya'll. ( I don't know if thats a Paula Deen ya'll or a Britney Spears ya'll, its so hard to pick)

As Ben's lovely mother would say "I am feelin' psychadelic." She says a lot of other things too but I don't think those would be very appropriate to write on here.

Speaking of Ben. Do you know what he calls me? Elmira. Elmira from Looney Tunes. You know the one. Misses I just want to love you and squeeze you and hold you ecetera. He says "The cats don't like you."

 Uh, Rude!

 "You bother them too much."

Sigh.

But it is true. I love animals! And so what if I just want to pick them up and squeeze them and kiss them when they were sleeping? What were they doing that makes them so busy? And since I provide food, shelter, kibble, and bountiful amounts of fresh water and fancy feast I think I can do as I please. I am not hurting anybody.

Me and the Herms

Minutes after taking this picture Herman got up and walked away. And I wasn't even touching him. Ben is the favorite around here. I am just loved when its convenient. Tis fine!

Me and Ben

Oh and guess who is here? I totally forgot to mention it. Frida was relocated from the dry, dusty desert that is Tucson, AZ and she's been moved here! To always lovely California. (More on her later)

This is Frida. (2/22/2010)

I find myself feeling strange this time of year. I believe it may be the weather also. January and February bring misery as they are mostly cloudy and rainy.

But once the rain is gone I do appreciate this sight...

My drive to work.

The lush, rolling green hills. Nothing says "one day there will be a massive earthquake" like these lovely green hills! Fault lines sleep under these beautiful hills but oh its so worth it living up here. Every minute of it.

And then, only after the rains do these trees come about. Pink trees! This picture  does them no justice. They have cotton candy colored leaves and make me feel like a Princess when I go on my walks.

I am scared but excited for what the future has to bring.

It really mind freaks me that in a year from now I will be somewhere else but here.

But where ever I go I am getting a dog because  they don't mind if you pick them up and love them, and squeeze them and hold them, and love their lights out!

I want I want I want!